"You know what I hate?" the PFY asks one morning, looking up from a sheaf of bright pink pages. "Oooh!" I say "I know this! Short people. Short MEN to be more precise. Short men in authority positions. Short men in authority positions and Mac users. Short men in authority, Mac users and the fact that NO programmable remote …
A good laugh is just what I needed this slow friday.
That cattle prod...
... it needs to be lost. Just makes it far too easy for the BOFH to dispose of people. Where's the fun? And besides, it leaves behind a telltale burning smell...
Ah, the HR con job - some things never fade
I worked in enough companies to know that the "things to improve upon" is really just a blindingly obvious route to help you knot your own rope to either get a salary improvement rejected or to be part of the next round of budget cuts..
One specific had HR which really thought we didn't know how frightened they were to be hauled into court for constructive dismissal (which was their ONLY way to exercise redundancies) - we all knew the company would lose its ability to work with government. Muppets.
Like a vegetarian sausage
That was like a vegetarian sausage, terrible and unfufilling, but it did the job and no longer do I feel like murdering some luser.
somethingsomething or somethingelse
Thanks Simon! Great stuff as usual... Keep em coming please!
I've already started.
Reads like the setup lines in many of the previous BOFH episodes just cut & pasted into a new story. No decent pay-off.
Nothing to see here, move along...
People never learn
If they see answer like "10m down under", just let the BOFH go. Learn and live.
'Where are your most difficult people found'?"
"From memory I put '10 metres down, Packington landfill, 20 years from now'
That is all !
For that 'Good Friday'
Me first post - no chance
No, I don't need a new keyboard, but I nearly fell out of the chair.
Please, please, more often, it's been agony waiting.
A thousand times this:
Please, please, more often, it's been agony waiting.
10 metres down, Packington landfill, 20 years from now....W|N>K.
That was made of win. But damn it needed an editor to look over it closer. -_- Took a few moments to recognize that the joke about coming out of italics referred to a section that should have been italicized but wasn't.
There were a few other mistakes like that too. But I still laughed like hell, and that's the important part.
(hrm. My girlfriend is her department's H&S rep...maybe I need to take a closer look through her IT department's staff rolls just to make sure there's nobody there named Simon.)
Anonymous Mac User
I'm singularly glad that I'm neither short nor in a position of any authority despite being *proudly* and enthusiastically a Mac user - hence the anonymity as a method of ensuring my own protection.
I am ashamed to admit that our friends at Apple have long been a potential root cause for one that whole screen-as-computer thing, having championed that all-in-one-box concept right from the very first Macintosh - although the TRS-80 Model III (the big bro' of my first ever computer) was a fine example of an earlier variant on the theme - to the current iMacs. Still annoys me though!
Anyway, that's my two penn'orth and I'll slink out quietly now...
The Tree of Virtual Life ..... in the World according to Jobs
The Mac Platform is then an already made and readily made Private and Pirate Cloud System with Virtual Private Networks in APPLed Operating System?
AI Leading Question for Steve to Savour and Ponder on Rightful Corporate Plunder for Heartily Deserved Treasure.
The secret of winning is not to play a losers' hand, and to play a new twist in games, has one dependent upon winning rules, with simple instructions to follow and remember to never forget for the playing of perfectly fair games with all knowing and abiding by agreed codes of conduct ...... programming.
Proud and anonymous, eh...
Let me know how that works out for you!
And it's a very Good Friday
Damn! You stole my line!
Must get a better tinfoil hat.
I experienced one of those...
Did my head and health in, don't know if I can 'claim'. Probably got the wrong sort of head.
Anyway having consumed immense amounts of vodka in an effort to fill it out I screwed it up and filed it down the toilet with added dump on top.
'Deadline' arrives and the conspirator asks me where mine is. Don't know why he had to ask in the design office. Could have caught me in a quiet corridor or the toilet or asked me into his office.
I tell him that it was bollocks and I threw it away.
No, seriously, I was not looking for effect I was just pissed off at the the the... ARGHH!!!!
I have 'issues'.
The rest of the design office crouches and stifles snorts and 'Dave' has to leave the locale for some reason whilst I get an invitation to 'The War Room'.
Here it is explained to me that 'top man' instigated it as being a good idea and if I do not fill it in I will be dobbed in to 'top man'.
Go ahead then.. End of Meeting.
Ho-Hum, sucks to be unemployable.
Conceal your gift until the time of The Gathering?
I was REALLY hoping that meant that either Simon or the PFY would be wreaking havok at The Gathering(big lan party here in Norway during easter. Second largest in the world, after the Swedish DreamHack, of course)
5200 lusers, all deserving a closer aquaintance with the cattleprod...
Probably quite a bit of decent HW that needs to be rescued from neon-lighted computer cases, too.
iOS/Mac is the new OS/2. God how I enjoyed the original BOFH stories...
Hy! Watch it...
I'd smack you around the ears with a manual, except I bought eCS v2.0 (OS/2 with lots of updates and goodies) as an electronic download.
Hm... Got an old ring binder with OS/2 1.3, MS Lan Manager 2.2, MS SQL Server, UB Netdirector 16... I'd smack you with that, except... it's too bl**dy heavy...
It's always great to have a post from the BOFH.
And I am sort of glad to have amanfromMars (1) posting back again .. I have missed it's ramblings of late.
More BOFH please Simon!
Please increase BOFH frequency to > one per month :)
That PFY scribbling part had me crackin' up!
Yeah, Mac User (notice name), but have Linux at home. Macs at work, because its easier for the lusers....
Would love all Linux boxes, but ah well....Gonna be moving to those eventually since the XServe was discontinued.
Fruit computers. XD
BOFH is back on form
Agreed with the PFY's comments about the Directors PA's underwear & gin party. That had me in fits of laughter.
And the landfil comment. I must use that sometime. Brilliant.
"shimmering low-budget Register screen effects"
I think you mean, "~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"!
OK… which one of you did it??
The person who registered ukrainianpeanutbuttergirls.com *HAS* to be one of you fellows...