Those of you of a nervous disposition are advised to put your head between your hands, lean forward and brace yourselves on the seat in front of you, because Air New Zealand has decided that naked cabin crew simply weren't getting the attention of the self-loading cargo: Yes, you're a giraffe, enthuses Richard Simmons – the US …
Add £5 to the ticket price.
All the £5s are collected into a pot (so £500 or so in the pot).
There are three questions to answer about the safety briefing.
All the answers get put into a hat.
First three correct entries drawn win part of the pot (£300, £200, £100).
Cabin crew are legally permitted to punch non-observers in the face.
Seriously people, it's sub-5 mins (not all aircraft are the same, equipment does get changed).
Oh, and one more thing: after landing, sit down until the light goes off. Can we legalise breaking people's legs too?
The stewardess *will* break your legs, or maybe just bite your head off!
Its still going to go at the same time however much you push to get on.
> All the £5s are collected into a pot (so £500 or so in the pot).
et ibidem infra:
> First three correct entries drawn win part of the pot (£300, £200, £100).
I make that £600 paid out in prizes. Where does the other £100 come from?
...of course. I did say "£500 or so". Allow an error margin of 20%...
The one-pees and two-pees are collected into a pot....
Now, your monies can be released if you just give me your bank account number and sort code, sir....
Not allowed for a lot of religions, and those of a mathematical disposition (it's a martingale here).
Don't forget to stand behind the line at the baggage reclamation
Let's all crowed the conveyor belt so the person who's bag is actually on the conveyor belt can't get to it. (although these day's I just shove the idiots out of the way and the drag it over them)
As for the people who try to stand up the moment the plane lands I always enjoy watching them half stand half squat with their 'hand lugage' they haven't needed for the whole flight for the 15 to 20 minutes it takes before they can actually exit the plane.
Bite your head off
That's the legal (and just) punishment for spelling 'Qantas' with a 'u'.
Slightly off topic.
But does anyone know if there is anywhere where you can try out the emergency de-planing drill in a simulator, as aircrew do during training? As a moderately frequent flyer I think it would be good to do -- and a few people on board who have been through the drill could make the whole flight safer. After all -- buildings are a piece of piss to get out of compared to planes, yet they have fire drills all the time.
Ah, yes, Air NZ
They do a decent line in just entertaining enough flight safety videos that you can tolerate watching once.
For those not in NZ, most of the actors are AirNZ staff, but there's also this guy:
Now we know
why they provide a sick bag in the seat pocket in front of you.
The rugby one was OK
Just flown with them.
The safety briefs are basically all the same.
By the time the actually do it, I have already:
Read the safety card (which tells you exactly the same thing the cabin crew does)
Determined where the nearest forward and aft exit is.
Memorized the number of seats I need to count and where to turn in case I have to get out in the dark.
Memorized how I would need to open the door, also in the dark if necessary.
"Memorized the number of seats I need to count and where to turn in case I have to get out in the dark"
Im sorry but thats just sad...
is the hardest word to say
Tell that to the people who don't make it out of planes.
Its the same as entering new buildings, you should note where the fire exits are.
... Just horrible!
If I saw that vid on my seatback I'd be heading for the emergency shoot pronto.
If you want to get shot out of the aircraft in an emergency....
..that's fine by me. Personally, I would rather use the door - and slide down the cool inflatable CHUTE to safety.
I guess that's what the air marshal is for?
I reckon there's a serious risk of no-one taking in any of it, bcos by about 30s they're creased up on the floor laughing. I only made it to "stretch and slide" before I fell off my chair. Christ knows how I'd survive the full thing.
Let's make it realistic ...
where do you get that much leg room!
At least another NZ airline had enough cojones to deal with this moron,...
The rule is, sit in your seat until you are allowed to move. Try to argue the case and we will chuck you from the flight.
I've always preferred the "smoke 'em if you've got 'em" approach to airplane escape drills. The chances of actually escaping a crashing plane are so small there is not much point in worrying about it.
Your way off actually. Your chances of surviving a crashed flight in a modern Boeing or Airbus (or embraer, bombardier, saab or gulfstream for that matter) is exceptionally high.
The only time your not likely to survive is if your unlucky and come down in wooded terrain, fly directly into a mountain at full speed, hit a building or land on water.
As the vast majority of crashes happen at take-off or landing in the vicinity of an airport, theres usually areas where the plane can set down without a problem. Hence why you dont read about western airlines crashing and people being killed very often... (i think if i remember the figures correctly its 1 jet on average per year coming down in the west, and 1 in 5 years is fatal. If you took out terrorism, i think that average even extends out further to 10 years, but i cant confirm that)
Now russia and sub-sharan africa is a different story, but thats usually due to a lack of training in the flight crew and poor maintenance of the aircraft...
Try Air France 358 back in 2005. Off the end of the runway at Toronto in a storm, fire broke out and all 309 people got out.
Or the Hudson River Cruise, where they all got out.
Or BA038 gliding over the fence at Heathrow.
Obviously if you pile in at 500mph then the escape drill is not much use, but there's a whole range of other reasons for an aircraft to come to rest in an abnormal fashion where knowing what to do may save your life.
Thank you for just proving my point...
You named 3 western crashes in the last 5 years. Which is roughly what i said - 1 crash per year. All of them non-fatal. The fatal one (which you didnt mention) was the Air France flight that went down on the way to Brazil for what remains an unknown reason.
So approx. 300 people dead every 5 years from aircrashes. Thats 60 people per year. More people die form brocolli* in the west each year. Hence i stand by my assertion that modern western aircraft are extremely safe!
* insert vegetable of your choice! ;)
Turn it off!
So... they still operate systems that a lil discman can scramble? How reassuring!
Hasn't been a fatal US major airline crash in about 10years
Some of this is marketing - when you book a ticket on UA and end up flying on a 12seat commuter plane operated by 1man and a dog thats just code-sharing, if one crashes then it was nothing to do with UA.
Water landings aren't that bad - assuming it's a water landing a'la Hudson not a water landing as in falling from 38,000 ft and hitting the atlantic nose first. People normally die when they inflate their life jackets inside the plane. Which suggests that the American flight's passengers either listened to the briefing - or didn't know where the lifejackets were..
And finally Aeroflot's reputation is unfair - all flights in the USSR were counted as Aeroflot. So cargo flights into Kabul, supply trips in winter to siberian bases, one man survey flights over the artic all counted as aeroflot crashes.
Richard Simons terrorizing the helpless!
Has NZ Air been bought by C. Montgomery Burns?
...irritable vowel syndrome.
OMFG, If I were the terrorist I would blow my bomb right then and there.
- Geek's Guide to Britain Kingston's aviation empire: From industry firsts to Airfix heroes
- Analysis Happy 2nd birthday, Windows 8 and Surface: Anatomy of a disaster
- Review Vulture trails claw across Lenovo's touchy N20p Chromebook
- Adobe spies on readers: EVERY DRM page turn leaked to base over SSL
- Analysis The future health of the internet comes down to ONE simple question…