back to article Man found guilty of battery after ejaculating in co-worker's drink

A California man faces up to a year inside after being found guilty of two counts of misdemeanor battery for ejaculating into a colleague's water bottle. Michael Kevin Lallana faces additional aggro after the jury backed a "sentencing enhancement allegation" that he committed said misdemeanours for "sexual gratification". …

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I liked what you did there.

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Perhaps they turned up a year too late!

"Tiffany apparently burst into tears after a verdict, prompting a sherriff's deputy to bring her tissues"

Hahahahaha!

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Title

That would be Northwestern Non-Mutual then.

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WTF?

Gross.

Just gross.

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Paris Hilton

What a jerk!

Yup. It's just wrong!

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Anonymous Coward

because "her lips had touched it"

If that were the only motivation he could have thrown the bottle away after polluting it. So I think he meant: because her lips were going to touch it.

If he gets let off because this particular act isn't covered by the "battery" law there will presumably be a public outcry and politicians will trip over each other in their efforts to approve a new "manbattery" law.

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hahaha "manbattery"

top skills!

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That last line...

..was in very poor taste (no pun intended):

"Tiffany apparently burst into tears after a verdict, prompting a sherriff's deputy to bring her tissues."

Still, I had a cheeky giggle to myself after reading it

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Best part...

The best part of the story is that she was familiar enough with the taste of semen to recognize it. http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/thumb_up_32.png

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LDS
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Stop

So what?

Even she knows how semen tastes (she's not a nun, c'mon) it doesn't mean someone can put his in her bottle. That guy deserves some time in jail - where he will be very careful about someone's else bottles...

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Anonymous Coward

@McBeese

What is wrong with that? Does her recognition of the taste of semen somehow make her anything extraordinary?

Have I tried to visit The Register's website, taken a wrong turn and mistakenly arrived in Victorian England instead?

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Happy

Giggles...

might be funny if she's a 15 year old girl (on account of it being, you know, an indirect admission that she has spent quality time around boys, and sex is still thought of as a embarrashing thing by quite a few misguided people), but as for a grown woman? Be surprising if she didn't know the taste of it.. next thing you'll claim that you dont? I don't think there are many humans over the age of 20 that don't know what semen taste like, be they man or woman (Except girls who figured out they were playing for the away team early on I guess) :)

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Flame

Taste of semen

Sorry, but I'm over 20 and I haven't a clue what it tastes like. I imagine it has a horrible mouth-feel. Oh, and I'm a bloke.

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The home team

surely?

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RE: Ant

It's more of a slighlty salty taste, often a bit sour.

Like slightly bad mayonnaise.

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Unhappy

Ooooooooookkk

thats pretty descriptive... and sounds a bit like a KFC Chicken fillet burger tower.

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Sheltered life?

I can honestly say that whilst I can make a guess what semen tastes like (salty or so I've heard?) I most certainly COULD NOT identify it from simply drinking some water!

And yes it made me smile that this woman admitted in open court that she could, but no that most definitely doesn't change the disgusting nature of the crime the guy committed!

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Re: CmdrX3

Sorry, but owing to the nature of our line of work the boss is currently out on lunch at KFC.

He will be back later this afternoon.

Thanks, Jill the secretary

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Stop

As Frankie once said...

"Relax, don't do it, when you wanna come."

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Coat

Nasty

A woman I used to work with, while on holiday in Spain, was at a bar with a nice chap dancing 'au naturel'. He then proceeded to dance up to their table, and kindly stirred her drink for her...

Apparently the bar staff were quite surprised when she wasn't pleased, and demanded a fresh drink. *

As it was a cocktail (fnarr fnarr) in a large glass filled with ice - the bloke probably deserves some kind of a medal. As well as a stern telling off.

* I guess anyone would need a stiff drink after that experience. OK, the coat it is...

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Anonymous Coward

@ new "manbattery" law

You haven't had enough exposure to US politics (I had 3 years and that was more than enough!)

... it won't be a "manbattery law" ... it will be "Tiffany's law"

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Titles be damned!

I can't help but feel you might've missed the joke ever so slightly.

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Tiffany's Law

in 150g pots right next to the Cole's Law.

Ok im leaving....

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“I just found semen in my bottle!”

…says the poor employee.

So the specialist colleague offers: “Here, let me taste it. Mmm, definitely someone from Sales.”

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IT Angle

@PoorCoco: To quote an old tee shirt...

"Who gives a f*ck what Frankie says!?"

No law to cover this heh? They should declare him an enemy cum battant and send him to Gitmo.

He certainly owes the young lady an HIV test at the very least.

And his wife, certainly must know that when he's with her, he's thinking of Tiffany.

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IT Angle

To quote a (probably shite) game with good scripting...

His wife's probably like. "I'll kill his dick..."

http://www.reghardware.com/2011/02/23/games_review_bulletstorm/

Watch the video... it's hilarious. I can't get that quote out of my head.

In all seriousness though, however, someone *should* kill his dick. If someone did that to my drink, I certainly would.

What a wanktard!

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Coat

Would that be a...

Protein shake?

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The judge is a tool.

I'm not surprised she cried at the verdict.

Put some of that special juice in the judge's drink and I'll bet my left nut someone will get the guillotine.

Right after the public flogging.

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Paris Hilton

Margaritas All-round!

Sadly the best quotes didn't make it through to the reg article:

"A defense expert witness, psychologist Ellen Stein, testified that Lallana has a narcissistic personality disorder and the maturity of a 16-year-old. Stein also said Lallana was known in his family as a prankster and could have done it as a joke, not for sexual gratification."

Perhaps the Judge bought in to the defence spin, hence the can of legal whup-ass remains to be opened, but that would be a pity. I doubt a teenager would get to use their age as an excuse for gross sexual assault. In fact I'd be insulted as a 16 year old, since I'd know it's only cool to argue over how much money it would take to get you to swallow [insert un-choice object/substance here].

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Yes, but did she spit or swallow the drink?

I know, this Mr Obvious is going to hell.

/coat, the shiny metallic asbestos lined one.

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Paris Hilton

Who does that?!

I mean, who leaves a bottle of water at the office overnight and then drink from it? How can she be so trustful?

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Manbettery?

It wont be manbattery it will be manfattery

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Gives new meaning to..

.. battery operated boyfriend..

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Joke

Maybe...

....he thought it was H2Ohh!

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Jobs Halo

playmobil...

or it didn't happen.

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Anonymous Coward

That last line

Made me laugh. Well done. As to the crime; well that's just gross.

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WTF?

WTF??

Im a 40 old hetero male and I do not know what semen tastes like so there. Should i be sampling my own jugo de la vida? I think not. I have far too many other things to taste first thanks very much.

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Same here...

...Sampling the taste of semen is not on my bucket list.

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Joke

Seriously now...

Have you *ever* not tasted your own stuff off some comely beauty's lips (oral or otherwise!) who had just been ministering to your needs and desires?

Oh wait... This is El Reg isn't it... Maybe the readership here are fussy eaters.

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Ditto

There are many things I won't allow in my mouth: octopus tentacles, snails, olives, semen... see where I'm going with this?

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To all those males that don't know what semen tastes like

This may be true. But it is very likely that a woman might. If you don't know why this is you need more sex education.

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

Anonymous Coward

WTF?? WTF??

Jo 5 - you are clearly repressed and probably in denial. Possibly a closet homosexual. You do know it's nothing to be ashamed of in this day and age?

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Anonymous Coward

not clear?

what should they not be embarassed about

1) being repressed?

3) being in the closet?

C'mon people, if we can be accepting of people who are gay then we have to accept those who don't feel they can be.

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@WTF

WTF yourself.

I certainly have nothing against homosexuals of any flavour, but to talk such shit about someone who doesn't want to taste semen shows you as an idiot.

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Happy

Hoo-haw

I mean who hasn't done that?

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Shurley....

He should have been charged with adulterating a water supply?

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Re: Shurley

Or something. Certainly this would be a pretty serious breach of regulations if it happened at a bottling company.

"Lallana's attorney is pondering an appeal on the basis no crime was committed"

Lallana's attorney is probably the only person on the planet who is prepared to go on the record with that opinion.

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