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back to article Knife-waving knob nabs fat stack of jazz mags

A small hamlet in Surrey has been left reeling after a knife-wielding thief stole a whole top shelf's load of adult magazines. The masked raider struck the shop cum post office in Gomshall on Tuesday afternoon, the Surrey Advertiser reports. He first demanded money from the shop keeper, who resisted until he was pushed with a …

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WTF?

Just...why?

Ok, stealing cash, I can understand that (note: not agree with or condone), cash is useful and for some people its difficult to come by. But porn? It's available on the internet! For free! Unless he wanted the mags for the articles, which (I'm told) aren't worth paying for anyway.

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Anonymous Coward

Really poor?

Maybe he's properly poor and can't afford an internet connection.

Or maybe it's a protest against poor rural broadband provision?

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Joke

Not a headline for people with lisps

Mine's the one with the cope of EMACS in the pocket...

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Coat

Spelling

Is that jazz with an i ?

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"shop cum post office"

Oh, well played, sir!

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Oh, very good...

"The masked raider struck the shop *cum* post office"

More quality writing like that please.

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Anonymous Coward

Looks like Valentine Day's went bad for the chap..

... not as bad as the shopkeeper though,..."He first demanded money from the shop keeper, who resisted until he was pushed with a stool".... yuck!

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OK

I admit it, that made me laugh.

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I live in Surrey

As well as being the most "wooded" county, we are also well known for our high levels of cocaine usage and wife beating amongst the middle-classes!

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Happy

"well known for our high levels of cocaine usage"

You must have a lot of American ex pats living there.

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Anonymous Coward

Re wife beating

Well, that may explain. The guy was expelled from his former home because of the beating and now, living in a rather costly B&B has neither much money nor a wife or internet access for salvific practices.

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Joke

So, the police are looking for

A hardened criminal.......

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Sounds like

a sticky situation.

*removes sunglasses*

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Coat

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Dummmm, Dum Da-Dum)

Had to be done.

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So

The shopkeeper beat him off?

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Bizarre crime?

> a burglar snatched thousands of pounds from the tearooms...

What is so bizarre about that?

If you are going to drag the Reg down into the tabloid gutter, at least make an effort and do it properly. This is weak even by Bun and Fail standards.

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Headmaster

Great!

Jazz mags? Nice.

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Coat

What...

... a wanker!

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Jazz mags

I buy jazz mags sometimes. One of them is actually called "Jazz Magazine" and it merged with the rival Jazzman some time ago. I sometimes read the articles but I mostly buy them for the cd/album reviews and the programmes of the summer jazz festivals. Jazz festivals are as much fun as they sound.

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Happy

Yeah, but..

... I bet you're also into scat as well...!

(NB to Commentards: If you don't get this joke, *do not* start searching for references. Or if you do, don't say I didn't warn you!)

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IT Angle

No IT angle here

...but who cares! It's amusing all the same. This guy is a class A plonker.

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Z 1
Coffee/keyboard

Brilliant article

Bravo Sir! Just bravo!

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IT Angle

Someone surely has to ask

Whether there is the merest hint of an IT angle anywhere in this story?

Yes, even when filed in BootNotes...

PS Perhaps there is some secret meaning behind Gomshall that I missed...

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Boffin

The internet is for porn

And due to this connection, any story about porn must by extension have an IT angle.

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Go

Marquis

"any story about porn must by extension..."

I see what you did there. Seems this story is being milked furiously for every pun in the book.

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FAIL

England

Surrey is *England's* most wooded county, there are far woodier bits of Scotland!

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Coat

Oh aye

I heard they like to toss their cabers.

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RE: England

Although there is a certain despoiler and snatcher in Surrey who will soon be getting more wood.

My abject apologies.....

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But . . .

. . . Scotland doesn't have Counties, ipso facto, the article is correct.

If it said Surrey was the most wooded region, it would have been wrong on two counts.

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FAIL

Maybe so...

But is Scotland a county in the UK?

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Joke

Re: England

"Surrey is *England's* most wooded county, there are far woodier bits of Scotland!"

You miss the point; the writer was referring to the fact that Surrey has got more wood than any other county. High consumption of Bolivian marching powder in Surrey may have something to do with that.

Since the population of Scotland is said to be 5,168,500 (http://www.scotland.org/facts/population/) and a recent calculation for the population of Surrey is 1,113,100 (http://www.surreycc.gov.uk/sccwebsite/sccwspages.nsf/LookupWebPagesByTITLE_RTF/2009+mid-year+estimates+of+population?opendocument) I contend that Surrey is indeed more densely wooded than Scotland. Indeed, soon Surrey will invade Scotland in pursuit of more lebensraum. Watch out Scotland.

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Coat

Why don't the Police follow the bread crumb like trail....

.....of discarded porn mags rotting in bushes of the UK's most wooded country.

Ah the good old days of finding ripped out rotting pics of Page 3 girls down the woods when I were a teenager.

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Coat

Apart from the town's wonderful name..Abinger Hammer

From the Article:-

<Last week a burglar snatched thousands of pounds from the tearooms in Abinger Hammer>

How the hell do you get thousands of pounds from a tearoom? I'd be expecting to be at a loss to get change for sixpence for a cuppa.

The place is a fuc*king village, FFS, that's so poor and destitute it can't even afford to repair its famous clock*.

Thousands of three-penny-bits would even be stretching it.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abinger_Hammer

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Re: Apart from the town's wonderful name..Abinger Hammer

Not so much a town as a village. When I lived nearby I was amused to see coachloads of Japanese tourists disembark and peer through the windows of old worlde cottages. Dog knows what they thought they would see. Shakespeare maybe, or perhaps the secret of life.

Anyhow, back to the point, it is a very affluent area, and property is very expensive. Apathy is probably the reason for inability to repair the clock, if indeed that is true.

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Happy

snatched thousands of pounds

well, at least he wasn't pounding thousands of snatches.

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Heads up

That headline is going in my collection. Even the cleverest headline writer could go his whole life without writing Surrey Shocked by Shag Sheet Snatch.

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JWG
Alert

Surrey... Surrey... Where have I heard that name before?

Isn't Surrey where Little Whinging is located? Perhaps this is all the work of Dark Wizards unknown (except for the taking of the porn.)

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Last September a burglar broke into a house in Redhill

"...and swiped a pack of bacon, except for a single rasher left chillingly draped over the front door handle."

Does the CID have a Surreal Crimes Division?

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Happy

C´mon, allow some space...

..for the benefit of the doubt. The "masked raider" was probably a desperate father of some local girl, whose pictures were no doubt to be found in the last issue of one of the magazines.

The request for cash was just an attempt to throw the police off the scent.

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He'll be very easy to catch

The police just need to look at the records and find out who DOESN'T have broadband in that area - that's your porn thief.

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