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back to article Doner kebab saves bloke's life

A 37-year-old Somerset man can thank fast food for saving his life, after he plugged a serious throat wound with a doner kebab. James Hobbs was attacked in Highbridge on 15 January after he popped out to Tasty Bitez for some meaty goodness. He suffered a deep cut across the throat, but "held the wrapped £3.40 takeaway to his …

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Bronze badge
Coat

Doner kebab saves bloke's life. Duh.

Well that's to be expected. They do say kebabs clog arteries.

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What is it about kebab shops?

Why are the best ones are in the dodgiest areas?

The van on our estate, perfectly safe to visit but horrible food. Although they look to be doing quite well (brand new van and a couple of new 4x4s parked next to it).

There is a much better shop a bit further away, but the area is just plain scary. Avoid any eye contact with the other customers, and certainly don't look at their dogs.

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Anonymous Coward

Don't look at their dogs?

Girlfriends or canines?

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Joke

Neither

They're in the kebab!

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Joke

So...

... he put his meat in the gash!!!

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Thumb Up

Dear Sir or Madam:

I found your post rude, crude, and utterly hilarious! Spot On!

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Lifesaver?

>>"A 37-year-old Somerset man can thank fast food for saving his life..."

Even ignoring the healthiness of the food, and all other things being equal, isn't someone who hangs around fast food shops a lot is probably more likely to end up getting stabbed than someone who doesn't?

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The Sun

Knew this story was from the Sun without looking at the link. Only they would tell you how much the kebab cost.

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Anonymous Coward

How much blood?

If he really did lose that much, I'm amazed he survived at all.

If he lost six and a half pints out of a total of around 8 before the ambulance turned up, then I'd say the kebab (and later, the towel) wasn't doing a very good job of keeping the blood in his body.

Or maybe there was a touch of exaggeration in the report?

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Coat

More than an armful?

No doubt with that amount of blood loss he'd need a lot more than one doner.

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Pint

More than an armful

In fact I think it would be difficult to get that much blood out of any body, unless some more was being pushed back in at the other end.

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WTF?

Exaggeration, surely?

It does seem like rather a lot, doesn't it?

I seem to remember from my TA days that the first field dressings that we were issued were designed to hold about a pint of blood. When blood spots started to appear on the outside of the dressing, you whacked another one on top of the previous - up to a maximum of three.

The logic being; someone who has lost more than three pints of blood is very likely to die and therefore you should direct your efforts toward casualties with greater survival odds.

Simple, if a slightly brutal, logic.

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Silver badge

Indeed

I'm guessing they told the current bun he lost 6 and a half in total including whilst they were stitching him up in theatre after pumping a shiteload in.

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Pun, I believe

I think you missed a good 'ol kebab related pun there ;)

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Coffee/keyboard

Splurff!

why does that subliminally read as 'being pushed in at the back end' ... ? Either way, well done! Now fetch me a new ... etc.,

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Silver badge
Coat

Often heard in the West Country....

"Well, that filled a hole!"

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FAIL

Lost six-and-a-half pints of blood?

Surely you mean six-and-a-half pints of chili sauce!

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Anonymous Coward

"It's pure luck I was hungry"

Given he "popped out for a kebab", then I'd say it was being hungry that led to him getting stabbed. Unless he was expecting to get stabbed anyway, and just happened to pick up a kebab on the way

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Anonymous Coward

Other possibilities

Went on a first aid training course recently and one of the other attendees had worked as a doorman on various clubs ... one of the tips he'd picked up there was in the case of a stab wound was to ask if any women there had a tampon in their handbag as those were excellent at sealing a stab wound!

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Sanitary towels

They were originally dressings for wounds that were foudn to have a nother use.

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Choyss ov wurds.

The Sun says

"He needed an op to open his windpipe so he could breathe "

Why did they say "op to open his windpipe", do Sun readers not know what a lobotomy is?

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Anonymous Coward

Lobotomy

Either I missed the joke tag, or you meant a Tracheotomy.

Maybe the "op to open his windpipe" is how it needs describing if you've had a lobotoby.

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The Sun

has a reading age of 7 (so I've been told by members of the teaching profession). It's not written for intelligent, articulate types.

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Coat

Oooh I could

Kill for a kebab

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Coat

six and half pints of blood?

so then A&E would be asking for a donor.

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Joke

After losing 6.5 pints of blood...

...I should imagine he needed a few blood doners too?

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Do you want ketchup with that?

Seems a suspiciously accurate measurement of blood loss unless somebody is standing there with a graduated jug. It usually looks more than it is

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Joke

Six and a half pints of blood?

So he needed a blood doner kebab as well.

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Joke

Six and a half pints of blood eh?

Was it replaced by a blood doner?

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Silver badge

@Lost six-and-a-half pints of blood?

"Surely you mean six-and-a-half pints of chili sauce!"

Noooo! The humanity!

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Joke

He survived with no falafel in his hand!

Talk about fast thinking with fast food.

I wonder how many people are going to give him curry about his improvised bandage?

It was a good thing that he wasn't eating a mung-bean tofu burger now wasn't it?

When asked whether he'd learned his first aid at Red Cross or through St. Johns, he politely replied (because he was well-'bread') "Naan of the above".

One final question - does this mean that pitta bread (or similar) is now covered by NHS (or Medicare or MedicAid)?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: He survived with no falafel in his hand!

You're a punny guy! Certainly not a chicken to say such things! If you went on the run for crimes against wordplay, you'd be on the 'lamb'!

Well done everyone.

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Puntastic

Shish - he probably thought he'd had his chips.

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Anonymous Coward

Such a warm, wonderful story

I must go out more to see this colourful nightlife in all it's glory.

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Coat

I pitta the fool...

Pain in the neck? PITA more like. ha ha. move along.

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: I pitta the fool...

There it is.

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Kebab rules

Kebab - bert

Dil - bert

Dog - bert

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Silver badge
Unhappy

Joking aside.

Rather sad that Somerset, where knife crime was never a big factor, has descended to people slashing others outside kebab shops over a bint. I blame the grockles. I suppose it's also equally sad that the average post (my previous included) are jokey rather than outraged. What a sad lot us IT b4sta4rds are!

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Interesting combination of tags

Is it just me, or is does the content of the READ MORE footer for this article, "Kebab Stabbing", sound like a euphemism?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Interesting combination of tags

Ew.

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6.5 Pints is a lot!

I heard the average person holds 10 pints.

Does being overweight give you more blood too?

If so it might not be an exaggeration.

Strange that he held the kebab until there was a towel available and not an ambulance?

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