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back to article Malawi poised to outlaw farting

Malawi is determined to “mould responsible and disciplined citizens” with a law banning the breaking of wind. The Local Courts Bill of 2010 is set to be presented before a forthcoming parliamentary session by Justice Minister George Chaponda. The legislation also targets ne'er-do-wells "disturbing religious assemblies", " …

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Flame

LOL

Queue much Southparkish Spontaneous Human Combustion!!!

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Coat

particularly worrying

for politicians and other wind-bags

I'll get my coat

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Coat

Christ on a bike..

Effectively corking peoples arseparts? Have these rectards not witnessed the god awful mess a seagull makes after its been fed bicarbonate soda?

And for those readers of an RSPB persuation I should note that I havent either...

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Anonymous Coward

Seagulls = flying rats

I don't think they even need Bicarb to make a mess...I'm sure the damned things aim for my car every day with a carpet bombing technique even Cmdr Harris would have been proud of.

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The politicians

are obviously gunning for a monopoly on talking out of their bottoms.

<- quick with the matches on that one

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Bronze badge

Expect to have them vanish real soon now.

Population density is high.

Infant mortality is high.

Infection rate of HIV/AIDS and other infections is high.

Life expectancy is low.

And as the old saying goes:

If you don't fart, you don't shit, and if you don't shit - you die.

If is this their government's way of enforcing population control, someone should tell them this is 2011, and there are better ways.

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FAIL

Here...

it would be taxed, rather than banned...

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Stop

Good Grief...

don't give them any ideas!

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Anonymous Coward

Can you imagine the spin?

The latest green tax on emissions...

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Stop

A smarter move...

...would be to tax it. Whilst this wouldn't stop people farting, it would at least encourage them to be more discreet about it.

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BOTTIE!!!!!!

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBUl7oT9sA

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WTF?

Holy Grail Batman!

Who the hell downvoted your beautifully crafted excerpt from the British comedy genius that is Monty Python? A French person? Someone with a complete sense of humour bypass?

(Queue the 'one and the same' jokes)

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Megaphone

Probably...

somebody who - like me - saw the post and groaned "Oh, god, another sad git who thinks that the height of wit is endless misquoting of snippets of a damn-near-forty-year-old film spin off of a TV programme that was starting to run out of ideas"

I mean, Holy Grail was funny.

When Cleese, Palin, Chapman, Idle, Jones did it. (Gilliam's bits weren't)

The first few times.

Now? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD... STOP! STOP NOW! NO MORE!

And as for the Goon Show... <yawn>

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Hmmm...

A French person? Someone with a complete sense of humour bypass?

... aren't they one and the same thing????

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Anonymous Coward

How will they enforce this?

Will they use the "who smelled it dealt it" rule, or will the police patrol the streets with fart-o-meters?

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Megaphone

Nope...

I reckon they'll use the "Whoever denied it supplied it" line of judgement!

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Joke

Or possibly...

Whoever smelt it dealt it.

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Joke

Or

Whoever said the rhyme did the crime!

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Technically

That is a rhyme itself

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Pint

@Just Thinking:

I think that's the point, which just wooshed over your head. Are you down the pub already? (It is Friday after all!)

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Prison system, court time?

I can see this is simply a job creation scheme for the Malawi court & prison systems. What happens if you let one loose while in prison, get denied parole?

Clearly someone in their government have a great sense of humour!!!

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Megaphone

Blimey!

What do they eat in Malawi? Cyanide?

<-arse trumpet

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fartless

I'm guessing sales of fart apps are going to take a nose dive in Malawi then!

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Happy

For real?

There is no way that they will let this pass :-) It's just a lot of hot air.

I have friends who have already planned to leave the country as soon as they got wind of this.

Will they bring out a more severe law next year to trump this one...

I could go on...but shan't

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Anonymous Coward

It's an old one

"The legislation also targets ne'er-do-wells "disturbing religious assemblies", "trespassing on burial places", "insulting the modesty of a woman" "

As in:

"How dare you fart before my wife!"

"Sorry, I didn't realise it was her turn."

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Anonymous Coward

Investment opportunity

You can't prevent it. Your only hope is to hide it. Expect increased demand for whoopee cushions.

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That's going to hurt Heinz

Beanz Meanz Fatrz

How long a prison sentence do you get for being found in possession of a Jerusalem Artichoke?

As mentioned above how will they tell who did it? It's well known that the silent ones are the worst.

Though really if they are going to ban involuntary, unavoidable actions they should ban coughing which is known to spread diseases rather than fats which merely smell.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: That's going to hurt Heinz

And it's quite likely any prisoner will have their sentance extending while farting in prison.

I can just see the Tory's putting some fart meters into our bottoms, if you've paid your fart tax, your fart comes out smelling like one of those automatic air freshner type smells, no pre-paid tax would mean it would smell like you've eaten loads of beans and a extremely high fibre diet, causing British Gas to come around looking for a gas leak lol

If we had it here, what if it like the smoking ban and you have to pop out in the fresh air to fart outside instead? Sounds like an idea to get out of doing a lot of work :-)

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Not quite

The Tories would install a fart tax meter and bill you on the methane content, although you'll be able to sign up for EU fart credits which you can write off against income tax. Labour would set targets for farts, you'll be fined if you don't fart enough, and get ASBOs (Arse-Supplied Body Odour) for excessively smelly farts. The LibDems will insist that everyone be free to fart, but encourage you to choose your diet to be fart friendly, and will end up agreeing to install fart meters provided the tax is on a sliding scale linked to smell. The DUP will ban farting on Sundays, and Sinn Fein will expect everyone to light their farts in the presence of legitimate targets. The BNP will deport any immigrant caught farting in public.

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Happy

Fortune Teller

"those who pass the time by pretending to be a fortune teller"

Presumably then, real fortune tellers will still be allowed.

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Thumb Up

or

Or those who pretend to be fortune tellers in a commercial capacity, instead of pretending merely in order to pass the time.

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Anonymous Coward

RE: Fortune Teller

""those who pass the time by pretending to be a fortune teller"

Presumably then, real fortune tellers will still be allowed."

This just in, Malawi outlaws religion!

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Flame

If they brought that into the UK......

They'd have to lock me up and throw away the key

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Anonymous Coward

and me...

...and the missus!

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Anonymous Coward

and everyone else...

Except the Queen, Stephen Fry and if he were still with us, Kenneth Williams

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Headmaster

My uncle used to say...

Every fox smells it's own hole.

And my Grandma used to say...

Better out than in.

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Best one I ever heard was

If you hold in your farts, they'll escape into other parts of your system and eventually travel up to your brain.

And that's where shitty ideas come from.

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Anonymous Coward

Evacuate

Better an empty house than a bad tennant.

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Unhappy

Surely you can't be serious!

"...making it criminal is a joke of democracy."

Welcome to the world of "representative" democracy. :(

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Alert

better pack a bung

Need to go there for three months. No baked beans for me.

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Grenade

Safety

Do they use candles to produce some of their lighting there? Ever seen what happens when you fart on a candle? It can be VERY impressive (and, somewhat dangerous, too!).

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Grenade

beggin for a prankin

Oh boy, those chaps in the Malawian government are just ASKING to have their lunches topped off with a dusting of farting powder, followed by (of course) what every right-thinking and decent Malawian citizen would feel is their partiotic duty - a quick call to the boys in blue to tip them off about the indecent & criminal activities of the ruling classes ;)

Grenade because you can bet that politicians in Malawi dont have to go outside to smoke ... KABOOOM! (Guy Fawkes should have thought of this first)

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Happy

YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Anyway, as they used to say: First smeller's the guilty feller....

Bean, Beans, the magical fruit

The more you eay, the more you toot

The more you toot, the better you feel

So let's eat beans for every meal.

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Botty Burps

Where you may be let your wind go free, church or chapel let it rattle was a pet rhyme of my ex. She came from the fens oooh arrr.

Careful it is natural gas, and it can be lit. A backfire is a hospital job!!!

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Better not go there on holiday

I've got wind on the best of days, but if I am not allowed and had a nice goat curry better be careful.

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Farts are Free

http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/dead_vulture_32.pngWherever you be let your wind go free , cause the want of a fart was the death of me but when in Africa stick with a pee

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Joke

How about...

... giving everybody one of those devices that convert all fart noises into Steven Wright jokes?

(Its a family guy reference for those of you who don't get it)

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Toot Tone

Stewart,

I think you may be referring to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LvwYUnSoQo

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Joke

Farts are not green

There should be a global campaign to suppress farting. A lot of the released gas is methane which has worse greenhouse properties than carbon dioxide.

Unless of course the methane is ignited to convert it to CO2 + water vapour...

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Hmm

I was really looking forward to a holiday in Malawi, but I don't want to go to jail for something I'm really good at.

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