back to article Man caught w*nking over Alan Sugar's autobiography

A man was caught masturbating in a public library while perusing Lord Alan Sugar's autobiography. The Sun reports that the unnamed individual was cuffed by police last Thursday at Crawley Library in West Sussex. The man, who is in his 30s, was seen behaving oddly as he browsed books in the biz section of the library. He …

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wrong title

Maybe he thought the book was called "Wait and see what you're gonna get" ?

He didn't shout "You're fired!" at the crucial moment did he ?

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Dead Vulture

"Tommy Tank"? No, J. Arthur...

...Rank, shirley?

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"Tommy Tank"?

Where I came from we always called it a Barclay's Bank.

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Grenade

J Arthur? Tommy?

Where I come from we call it a wank.

but then agian, perhaps we are not so prudishly scared as the majority seem to be, and we've actually moved on from the pathetic Victorian attitude that anything even mildly related in any way to sex is strictly taboo.

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@ Keith21

It's Cockney Rhyming slang.. nothing to do with Victorian morals, more to do with Londoners wanting to confuse non-locals.

I agree with removing ourselves of ridiculous taboos, but not of conclusion jumping.

Look up the history of the work "berk" ;)

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Flame

It's cockney rhyming slang...

...referring to Suralan's Hackney roots, as you may have noticed if you'd read the article properly.

In the same way you could be referred to as a merchant banker.

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Wow

And there was me thinking Jodrell, etc. were just a bit of a laugh.

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Silver badge

Libraries have security guards how?

What next, Guantánamo Bay for late returners?

Good comeback from Sugar, though.

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Silver badge

Public Libraries attract wackos like a light attracts moths

My sister works in one and while most of them are simply eccentric, at least once a month one that is dangerous enough to staff and customers to need police intervention will be in there.

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Coat

..comeback...

Is that the format rag mags come in now... hardback... paperback... comeback....

Mine's the one in my lap with the dodgy stains.

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Pint

"Piers was that you?"

Sralan I don't like you but hats off for that one.

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Beardy

Yes the beardy one has played a blinder

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Anonymous Coward

Alan Sugar's tweets...

...sound like 'Shit My Dad Says'

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Joke

Hypocrisy

Pfft. Every week, Alan Sugar toys with loads of cocks on The Apprenctice and no-one bats an eyelid!

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Anonymous Coward

"It was very bizarre behaviour"

I'll say.

Who would want to read Alan Sugar's autobiography?

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Joke

Sounds like a good advert

@"Who would want to read Alan Sugar's autobiography"

If its that entertaining to read, then I guess lots of people! ;)

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Joke

I don't know,

but entirely co-incidentally, a second-hand car electrical goods advertising sales middle-manager from Sussex has just withdrawn their application for the next series of The Apprentice...

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Anonymous Coward

A hardback you can't put down.

"If its that entertaining to read, then I guess lots of people! ;)"

Well maybe, but now the pages are stuck together.

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eww

Thats sick. If it were a woman then i can understand but Alan Sugar?

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Coat

Re: eww

You are assuming that he was getting his jollies from the book, it ain't necessarily so. One of the things one would need, if one were the sort to jack off in a public place, is something to clean up with. There's only one thing more antisocial than performing the five fingered shuffle in public and that's leaving jism all over the place afterwards.

Name something else found in a Public Library that's a more suitable substitute for bog paper. I have to assume that the Mandelson memoir was out on loan (which would suggest an even more vile perversion is going on - someone, somewhere's reading the Mandelson book).

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Joke

You seem to know an awful lot...

... about this kind of behaviour.

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Happy

Eh?

"Police held the man on suspicion of outraging public decency."

----

Suspicion? What, they weren't certain?

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Anonymous Coward

while not condoning his behaviour

he was indoors, and covered by a coat, spotted only because he was being followed by security after acting strangely.

It's not like he was stood on a table waving his todger around and furiously going at it in front of the librarians face.

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Anonymous Coward

Assuming you are not just taking the piss

The police can only arrest anyone "on suspicion" of committing an offense. Everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty....". At the point of arrest the gentleman has not been found guilty of any offense and as such is only under suspicion.

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Yeah

No one knows for sure if he was actually reading the book or not.

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Unhappy

Do they ask anyone?

I'm mildly concerned. I wouldn't say I'm outraged.

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This post has been deleted by its author

Headmaster

Innocent until proved guilty?

I do wish people would consider what Anglo-Saxon common law really means - it is Innocent UNLESS proved guilty. The way you state it means that he's really guilty and the proof is only a matter of course!

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Just passing judgement on it's literary value?

Another possible use would in the outside 'loo. As back up.

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Coat

Was he a master-bator.

No,. he was just the apprentice.

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Flame

But Piers Moron Morgan

Is a complete and utter turd! Everyone should be shouting, tweeting, and posting on what a c**t Piers is.

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eye for an eye

Well Ian Hislop spends most of the eyes sheetage publishing what a cunt he is.

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Coat

I have one thing to say...

Going to the library!

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Paris Hilton

Can we please have

Can we please have a "Top ten people performing weird sex acts in public of 2010" countdown here on El Reg? Featuring stories like this from the past year. I'm not sure this will beat the bloke in sludge tank in Cornwall or the transvestite in the moat with the dog, though, but its still probably a top five contender!

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Pirate

Oh No!

I'm sad to have missed the Cornwall sludge-tanker; and likewise I suspect the naked Stirlingshire trampolinist has passed you by.

I thoroughly agree with you: this has been an "Annus Horribilis" for extreme onanism and should be commemorated in some form - perhaps other readers can suggest an appropriate medium?

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Weird sex acts

Agreed.

A couple of years old, but this story of a man getting his pleasure from a bicycle rather amused me: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7095134.stm

Then again, the pope (at least JP2, not sure about the current one) was regularly seen attempting oral sex with tarmac - inanimate objects, beware!

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Annus Mirabilis?

Comedy fans might dub 2010 as an "Annus Mirabilis" instead. A top 10 with Playmobil reconstructions would round the year off wonderfully.

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Pirate

Harsh indeed

When it comes to breaking and entering this trick cyclist was more sinned against than sinning, Shirley? If I decided to have a thrash with my Mini Moulton in the privacy of my own room I probably wouldn't want the cleaners barging in. Have you seen the girls in Ayrshire? Or the boys for that matter?

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That's the problem with paper books.

An ebook reader would only need wiping down.

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But...

...can you use any ebook reader, or does it have to have 'touch screen'?

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Re: J.Arthur

get modern mate - it's now "Jimmy Floyd"

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That'd be...

...the 40ish year old retired footballer?

yeah. Well modern.

Jodrell.

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Anonymous Coward

Getting shouty with Piers Morgan on twitter is all the rage these days:

http://bettween.com/markthomasinfo/piersmorgan/desc

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Enjoyed that

Thank you!

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Anonymous Coward

So,

was it 'Stuart Baggs the Brand'? I can guess Siralan would give him the horn...

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WTF?

WTF?

...is a tommy tank? Suitable rhyming slang alternatives would be J. Arthur, Jodrell, Barclays - even came across septic once, so to speak - but tommy tank?

Shome mishtake shurely?

=:~)

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In my day

It was a Sherman tank

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Stop

Nope

Septic Tank = Yank, to the extent that someone who doesn't like out transatlantic cousins may be known as 'savlon', as in antiseptic...

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Stop

Cautioned?

One would have thought that he could have used the defense that he was simply emulating the author. I don't recall Alan Sugar getting nicked for being a very public w@nker. There is no justice...

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Badgers

WYSIWYG

as LS says, its all a load of Bollox your giving me!

offendee obviously thought likewise

title says it all :)))

there were no badgers used or seen in the making of this comment!

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