I'm delighted to report that my world-beating journalism has finally received the recognition it deserves, at least in one small corner of the Garden of England. Here's the improbable story: Reg director Drew Cullen has a daughter who goes to a grammar school in Kent. One day, a mate excitedly waved a piece of paper in her face …
I've often asked my wife if she'd like to suck a ginger nut, but she always refuses.
She's not fond of a quick hobnob either. Ask anyone.
Not sure what you're hoping to hear from that anyone - "that's right, I try every week"..
wasn't that a Frank Zappa song?
King Biscuit and/or Dangerous Kitchen.
Music is the best...
Jazz is not dead; it just smells funny.
Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
again, dangerous biscuits
frank 3 sez on 11.26.10 @23:05gmt:
"wasn't that a Frank Zappa song?"
No, you're thinking of Harlan Ellison.
(mine's the one with the pack of Oreos in the pocket)
Won't anyone think of the custard creams?
I trust that baked goods-based article
You realise, don't you, that young people across the UK are now being isolated, bullied and victimised because their dads don't know Lester Haines.
Think of the children, Lester.
Re: Irresponsible journalism
You realise, don't you, that young people across the UK are now being isolated, bullied and victimised because their dads DO know Lester Haines.
Re: Irresponsible journalism
You realise, don't you, that young people across the UK are now being isolated, bullied and victimised because their dad IS know Lester Haines.
Are we singing this to the tune of The Eton Boating Song or Onward Christian Soldiers?
If you're going to toot your own horn...
Upgrade from a piccolo to at least a clarinet.
Inbetween the Jacobs cream crackers and the Hovis Digestives....
Would you like some cheese with that Butter Puff Biscuit?
(I do apologise profusely, that was a FAILed attempt to make some sort of buscuit related pun out of 'puff piece'. I really shouldn't have hit submit. )
Notoriety - as if you needed it, Lester
But then, we know you're well-deserving: anyone who remembers The Rockall Times can testify (and to think I still have my 'There's F..al on Rockall' t-shirt, given in recognition of..well, whatever it was I wrote at the time).
Go Lester, I say.
Ah. Just to clarify: that's not to be interpreted as instruction to leave.
But I can attest that Ginger Nuts are *not* relatively risk free. Or rather, my dentist can attest to that. Best of all was the statistic of people poking themselves in the eye. The mind boggles.
Any chance of a followup? Is the killer-biccy league table static? Are we overcoming our fear of lightly baked delicacies? Or are custard creams really out for blood? Can we at least attempt to build a paper bomb loaded to custard creams to drop on Sarah Palin?
Ginger Nuts go to Casualty
Well here at Headache Acres I can vouch for the above story. The Lovely Ivana ended up in casualty after the equally lovely Ivana III (aged about 18 months at the time) poked her in the eye with a Ginger Nut. It hadn't yet been gummed so it was still hard & crispy (and sharp!).
Oh how they laughed at the hospital.
Mind you putting parents into hospital runs in the family. The delightfully Lovely Ivana II (aged about 3) put me in casualty by dashing in front of me just as I'm stepping on to the top step of the stairs to go down to answer the front door.
The visitor had the shock of his life when the door was opened and a blood covered face said "You'll have to drive me to hospital"
"Oh how they laughed at the hospital"
Quoted because I can only upvote you once. Hats off Sir Headache
Sounds more like Trump Tower.
Next--the Nobel Prize
Dear Mr. Haines,
It is, dare I say, astonishing to learn that your influence on the reading habits of the youth of England is more profound than Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, or even Terry Pratchett. As these youth mature and as the rest of the world comes to share their judgment, it seems certain that the Nobel Prize Committee will be compelled to award you the prize for literature.
You have both an awesome responsibility and a strong incentive to re-double the effort you spend on your art.
...most commentards who flatter you seem to write and think like pre-pubescent teenagers
An absolute legend in his lunch hour. An unrivalled star of stage, screen and labour exchange. Recently back from his world tour of Dagenham, record breaking paper airplane feat and subsequent media adoration...
Re: Lester Haines
And the article to which they are referring is a masterpiece of investigative journalism, I for one have changed to chocolate fingers cos i still treat jaffa cakes with suspicion.
Tickled by a school girl, that's what you're going with....
Good news and story. But the head and subhead line gave me a heart attack. 'Has the register become completely anti the think of the children crowd', I though. But I clicked on it anyway, don't know what that says.....
Beer cause you should get one.
that the poor girl is dieing of embarrassment even as she reads this article.
Why are you surprised?
The Reg is one of a few extant rags that does not toe the line.
umm, can't think of a title
So, they're not toe-rags then?
Just read said story, and "poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit" has conjured up my favourite mental image of the year. It's up there with Airplane's drinking problem!
Fame, Glory and what follows!
You go Lester, today a schoolgirl, tomorrow the entire Justin Bieber fanclub! (yes, both of them)
Recognition for the win :D
Re: Fame, Glory and what follows!
Humiliation more like :/ i mean you just HAD to pick Lester to compare Justin Bieber to :O
Paedo-bear icon needed!
Happened before though hasn't it.
Remember that pub conversation that occured a few years back as I'm there stating how long I've been reading the register as you'd just said you wrote for it. I said I'd got here from finding the BOFH being written and it took me back to my uni years only to go through names of the hacks that I remembered off the top of my head only to reveal yours. I seem to recall you were quite stunned.
I think the only thing that would have topped it off was if I had been wearing the 419 t-shirt that you'd designed.
I've still got it though =)
Have another pint on me!!
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