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back to article Chicago officer beats off dildo-wielding bill-skipper

An Illinois woman allegedly launched an ill-considered assault on a cop with a “rigid female pleasure device” after an altercation over an unpaid Crab Shack bill. Carole Bildsten, a 56-year-old from the Chicago suburb of Gurnee, was accused of leaving an unpaid bill for dinner and wine at Joe's Crab Shack in the town earlier …

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do what?

'walking on public roadways while intoxicated' - this a real office? Bloody hell we're all screwed!

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Paris Hilton

Must be Friday

"Crab Shack mock cock cop attack shock" just love it. Accurate too. Paris, because she would understand.

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Crab Shack mock cock cop attack shock

Someone owes me a screen and keyboard cleaning kit

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Must be Friday

You're welcome.

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Coffee/keyboard

clear, rigid feminine pleasure device

I'm sorry but that phrase is just too funny.

Great, I've just spat tea all over my opaque, rigid, multi-gender typing device!

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Paris Hilton

"clear, rigid feminine pleasure device"

Oh I wish this had happened in Texas or somewhere deep south.

I can hear it now:

"Cleeyah rijidd femmin-eye-ne pleezhur deevice"

In Paris, Texas, even better.

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Happy

lordy

you should see some of the rigid feminine pleasure devices on sale here in Amsterdam

if one of them was waved at me with violence in mind, I'd turn and run.

fast and far.

(oh-beer-thirty approaches. Fast)

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I think..

When confronted with such a weapon it is always wise to back the first few steps away before presenting the enemy with a potential target.

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Pint

Crab Shack, etc...

Utterly, utterly fantastic! Made my day, that tagline. Have a well-deserved beer.

Happy Friday.

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Happy

Clear?

"clear, rigid feminine pleasure device"

I didn't know they came in clear. I am clearly behind the times. Here silly me I presumed they were all flourescent pink or something. Shall immediately proceed to the appropriate local business establishment for Remedial Sex-Toys 101 class to remedy this situation.

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IT Angle

Reconstruction

Playmobile reconstruction or it never happened :)

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IT Angle

Reconstruction

Playmobile reconstruction or it never happened!

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Wobblesome

Oh yes ...

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Dead Vulture

Rigid? Wobblesome?

Surely it can't be both?

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Paris Hilton

Rigid but wobblesome

It's perfectly possible to conceive of a device, member or extremity which is intrinsically or under certain circumstances rigid, but flexibly attached to a handle, body, arm or control device, which makes it act in a wobblesome manner, particularly when waved.

Paris. Do I need to draw pictures?

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Happy

In the real world,

this would be the before and AFTER descriptions....

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Hmmm....

You're right there.

I suspect it's just that Joe will never take a copper's word for anything....

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Pictures?

Draw them? No. Photographs will do nicely, thanks.

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Coat

It's a flail!

Clearly, you've describe an illicit pleasure-flail.

Fling me coat out after me, eh?

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Paris Hilton

Clear and Rigid ?

That would indicate a perspex/acrylate love-pouch popsicle, although the wobblesome comment seems to hint at a silicone suitor.

So what was it?

Enquiring minds need to know.

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Bronze badge
Coat

Happens to the best of us

We all feel a bit crabby from time to time.

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Joke

after sleeping with that woman.......

you might feel a little crabby; and I don't mean in the hung over way

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Silver badge

Re: Reconstrucion

I've no idea why you'd want a reconstrucion, but failing one, will this do?

http://failblog.org/2010/10/22/epic-fail-video-use-of-a-toy-fail/

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FAIL

Missed pun opportunity

Shouldn't the article read "Luckily Illinois law enforcement are trained to trackle deadly weapons of every description"?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Missed pun opportunity

Hey yeah you could totally do my job.

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FAIL

re: missed pun opportunity.

trackle. tackle. One of these days i'll master the art of typing accurately.

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Joke

Crab Shack mock cock cop attack shock

That's quite a mouthful!

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By line

TINA SFONDELES which I read as "Tina's Fondles."

Sad, so sad.

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best headline ever

Encore! Encore!

<standing ovation>

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Silver badge
Happy

May I be permitted to contribute.......

..........a very old headline from a (I believe) Hollywood newspaper from many decades ago?

"Hix pix nix in stix".

Which apparently meant that films set in rural America did not go down very well amongst audiences in rural America. Other than that I can only say that if that is the worst that the officer faces in the course of his career, he is clearly on a winner.

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Thank you thank you thank you

Totally made my day. Although I do need a new screen and keyboard...

I say Miss Bee, are those alliterative sub-heads the work of a team or one person? Bloody funny, yar?

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Crab shack etc....

Bravo. Just... Bravo.

</AOL>

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Paris Hilton

Title

Hmm... This leaves me pondering the possibilities for weaponization of such things. We've already seen the helicockter, of course ( http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/05/20/cock_copter_shocker/ ). But this makes me want to build something along the lines of a Nerf missile launcher. Or perhaps one of those compressed air guns they use to launch t-shirts and such at sporting events...

Any other ideas?

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Flame

Missed the shock part

The title is clearly misleading, no body got shocked or tasered.

Prude 'mericans are too easily shocked!

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Go

"the officer fearlessly knocked the device out of the way"

You mean he *didn't* use a Taser...?

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Anonymous Coward

Frankly, I'm shocked

"... before arresting his tackle-waving restaurant-ripping-off assailant."

That's prejudice, Reg, and you know it. I await your reportage of the trial next month, together with a full retraction and apology in the event that the defendant is found not guilty.

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Silver badge

And....

Where pray tell is the required Monty Python self defence class quote?

Although seriously she's lucky she wasn't tazzed. Guess she didn't walk on the cracks in the pavement or look like a photographer.

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dildo, crab shack ... {shudder}

Not that the actual story is less ... vivid.

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Paris Hilton

Dueling Dildo's - Here is how to do it.

Youtube: "7 pound dildo fight"

The link needs to be a signed in to see it... might work - that or use the search term.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA2QK09K-zs&has_verified=1

Paris - because she knows how to take it.

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Happy

Yes.

This is one of the reasons that I enjoy reading El Reg so much. Thanks for the laughs!

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Coffee/keyboard

No title Required

Shaggy Crab Shack Hag Beats off Cop with Cock!

Too much?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: No title Required

You can't have my job.

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Happy

RE: Sarah

Luckily for you Sarah, i want to work for the News of the World.

I'm mysterious, a stalker, and have wiretapping skills. Perfect

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