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back to article Airport screeners go for the groin

US airline security staff have introduced a new pat-down technique that might be familiar to folks who request "extras" in a massage parlour. Punters — i.e., passengers and civil liberties groups — are far from ecstatic over these new moves, variously describing them as "horribly invasive" and "humiliating". Passengers who …

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"That's what we're hoping for. We're trying to get everyone into the machine."

Then the solution is obvious. Opt for the pat down every time. And pretend like you enjoy it a little more than you should. Keep asking them to "now touch my crotch please". Don't give them the satisfaction of feeling dominant.

OR, don't travel to a country that actually pays people to molest you? Just a thought.

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Welcome

Or, don't travel by plane in the US

If you read the article a bit more carefully, you'll see that this is about people traveling inside the US -- so for instance from Chicago to Los Angeles, etc.

This has nothing to do with 'travel to a country blablabla'.

Most of the outrage is coming from US citizens, traveling inside the US. In the United States, this approach has become the standard -- go through a machine, or get patted down thoroughly by a human.

Although I'm a frequent flyer, i've gone through the full body scanner maybe two or three times in the last year. The other times is just the plain old metal detector.

Just make sure you don't hit the metal detector when you go through it, or it'll throw a hissy-fit (accompanied by much groaning from the biz travelers behind you).

I'm suspecting that only outside of the rush hour these machines are operational. When the business man / woman / individual needs to go through security in a hurry (monday mornings, thursday evenings anyone) at least at the airports I travel through don't have the full body scanners working.

And rebooting these new-fangled things is apparently a pain -- not a quick shutdown, it takes at least 10 mins, last time I saw it happen.

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Megaphone

Excellent

Past experiences have shown that nearly every major terrorist attack is carried out outside of rush hour times because this maximises the possibility of getting caught.

If these checks aren't in place in rush hour, you might as well just start packing everybody's arseholes with explosives now, since you haven't got a hope in hell of stopping a terrorist.

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Happy

Female pat down for men

If you're a male, ask for a woman to do the pat down claiming that you are homosexual! If a woman gives me a pat down on my groin, I'll possibly travel more often!

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Happy

So...

... the way to screw the whole system is to "hit" the metal detector? And then when they've got it up and running again, have someone else hit it? Hmmmmm - can we have more details as to what "hit" means in this context? Are we talking merely brushing against the sides, or something a bit more forceful?

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for me..

it seems that if I even brush a metal detector it sets it off. This includes if I don't have anything even vaguely metallic on my person. Not sure why this is, but if you want to hold up a line, I suppose you could do this a few times. Eventually they'll wand/rub/pervscan you, though.

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FAIL

Security Theatre

The only reason that the Home Office does not plan to get more intimate with passengers is that they simply do not allow you to opt out from the Nude-O-Scope. If they want naked pictures of you, they will see you naked, simple as that. Sorry, no way out for you. Let the bidding start for the "security" pictures of your sons and daughters.

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Paris Hilton

Security Theatre

I had the full, hands on, "do you dress to the left sir", pat down at Heathrow, T5, a fortnight ago. Seems I bleeped going through the electronic arch. That got me a real going over with a wand, then the pat downm and THEN the nude-o-scan.

When I asked if the scan was optional as I had already had my privacy invaded once, I was told "Yes, as in its optional that you fly.".

All of this for a short haul flight to Germany. Or maybe they had "intelligence" that an overweight business man, aged 50, with white hair going to Hamburg was a credible threat. Well, by the time the security wombles had decided that neight I nor my privates were a bomb, I really was ready to explode.

Country has gone stark raving mad.

Paris, because if she had been doing the pat down, I just might have exploded.

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Joke

When Harry met Sally

If people are vocal enough about how much they are 'enjoying' their pat-down/feel-up (Oh baby yesss, yeah right there, a little higher ... Ooooooh, I'll go get you a towel) then I'm sure the TSA will reconsider.

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Anonymous Coward

They will ...

...get tazered right away until they no longer pose a "threat" to the security personal aka till the security pervs are no longer amused by your screams.

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I don't think so

This is where the lawsuits come in.. Personally, I would definitely considering a shorter version of the "When Harry met Sally" restaurant scene - just to see the guy go red.

You're forgetting that the volume of people going through these checks quickly allows for trends to be discovered. If there's a bit too much feeling around you will be very quickly get to a situation where the volume of evidence will nullify any attempt at discrediting it by blaming it on a disgruntled traveller.

You should never underestimate the power of volume - and neither should the TSA.

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This title is home-grown organic

Osama must be laughing his cock off!

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Anonymous Coward

What about the children?

Do little girls and boys also get an intimate grope from a stranger?

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WTF?

You have a choice...

... let the perve at your kiddies with a scanner or let them be touched up by someone who could be a paedo...

Bet you feel safer travelling already!

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Joke

Stand back, I'm going to use *logic*.

Given that female travellers will presumably only be groped by female security staff, and male travellers only by male security staff (unfortunately), we can expect the TSA will be employing a special unit of work-experience schoolchildren of various ages.

I am sure they will bring at least an equal amount of dedication, professionalism, and competence to their work as existing TSA staff do.

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Gotta be done

Will somebody please think of the CHILDREN!

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Grenade

Hopefully ...

This pantomime will soon have an end put to it when the first few lawsuits kick off, as they surely must. Hopefully quite a few people, including politicians, will soon end up getting handed a very large unexpected bill.

Modern life is utterly beyond satire. Even Chris Morris's febrile imagination could not have come up with this sort of shit even just a few years back.

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Big Brother

Question for the pervert US security groin gropers...

So, are all men created equal like it says, or are some more equal than others? I guess if your experience has been the later, there's no doubt it's time to tear those crusty old documents up and write some new ones for the 21st century. Ones that give authority to treat people this way.

By the way, Wwhat passenger age do you start touching crotches and chest areas? 18? 16?... 14 maybe? 12?! What happens if a 14 year old boy gets aroused by this in plain sight of his parents and other people, and is left utterly humiliated? Can he sue or will that be taken care of in the Constitution 2K10™?

Still... at least local women don't have to wear a head scarf, so it's all in a good cause at the end of the day.

I don't suppose anyone cares enough to make this an issue in the mid-terms?

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Considering

that the mid-term elections were held on Nov 2nd, I think this is too late to have an effect...

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Paris Hilton

Axis of Evil

Looks like it is now around the finger of the TSA "rent a cop".

Paris, because she would never go through a scanner given this option!

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Bronze badge

The title is required, and must contain letters and/or digits.

No doubt positions for <s>touch-up</s> pat down staff are highly sought-after.

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Grenade

We all know what "we have no plans" means.

Do you get to see who's going to give you a pat-up^h^hdown before you make your mind up?

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Anonymous Coward

Once again...

in a cave/luxury compound , Osama Bin Laden is laughing like a drain at what he has got us to do to ourselves!

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US Security abuse their powers

And the news story in this was?

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Flame

Sir

Don't you think it's important to keep highlighting these issues?

If you would rather that we were all as bloody apathetic as you seem to be then I suppose you could sleep safer at night being touched^H^H^H^H^H tucked up by Uncle Sam at night, right?

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The title is required, and must contain letters and/or digits.

The main airport I use (in USA) only received bomb scanners 2 years ago...

Since we (me and fam) are "International" Travellers starting at a small crappy airport we trigger the "security team" every time we go...

Escorted to gate, 100ml drinks for us are forbidden.. while some fatass is drinking his 880ml superduper gulp cola he got from the gas station before he arrived at the airport looks at us and wonders if we are gonna blow up his plane.

What's worse is that they dump (literally) our bags out every year, swab them all, and then shovel the gear back in.. They sit on top of the baggage to get it re-sealed... I ask them every year (can you perhaps unpack it neatly and put it all back in correclty only to be met with the responce of a TSA advisory card that says for my safety they accept no responsibilty in screwing up my luggage, it's contents, delays in contents, or for giving the general population of that airport the view that I am a terrorist..

I think the airport has something like 10 carrier flights a day, and there's at least 18 TSA staff on duty at any given time.......

Since they have no body scanners, I can see that we'll be in line for feel-ups for the next 30 years.

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Unhappy

Not very sensitive to victims of sexual abuse.

There are a lot of people out there who are survivors of sexual abuse, not all of them can handle being viewed or touched like this by strangers without experiencing intense emotional distress.

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Joke

Yeah...

Just watch last weeks Dexter for proof of that. :)

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Alert

Worse yet ...

... those people are likely to start showing signs of anxiety whilst in the line, so the profilers are going to take them to one side for "intensive screening". Bad on a personal level for those affected, and bad for security - lots and lots of false negatives!

These f****rs just don't think things through.

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Unhappy

Good!

Perhaps one of the survivors will then have the courage to hire hotshot lawyer to sue the arses of the government and put an end to this pathetic state of affairs.

I love all this shite. "We will not bow down to terrorists! We will no cow-tow! They will not win!"

Sorry, but by the state of the world I see today, they buggers have already won. They didn't even have to do very much, except put the willies up a load of easily frightened and paranoid politicians and security nuts.

Face it, the terrorists have won, we stand by and watch the last vestiges of our liberty drift into the wind like so much smoke.

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FAIL

The looky-looky peep show or....

would you like to step out the back for some touchy-feely?

wink wink..

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Coat

Do the TSA staff wear numbers...

so you can choose?

No, that's not a pistol in my pocket...

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WTF?

Pedophile at the airports

....and we are all looking for them on the Internet...

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Happy

LOL

The TSA operatives might want to think about who's being humiliated by whom after they have to grope some fat, sweaty geek's balls for the 30th time that day.

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Silver badge

Is that a gun in your pocket

Or did TSA rub you the right way. What do you mean TSA doesn't stand for Tits, Snatch & Ass?

Now then, "one more time" can we have a Britney icon or if you're old and must at least a Captain & Tennille icon.

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Pirate

The threat of communism...

No that we don't live under the threat of communism, the government is free to become as communist like as it wants. I guess we didn't win the cold war.

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Boffin

A B 3 - The word you want is Authoritarian ...

as done by the extreme right (yer Nazis) and extrme left (yer Stalins). Big hint - politics is a mobius loop.

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Badgers

So its...

Basicly a proper pat down then Instead of a half arsed one?

(no pun intended).

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Grenade

Ooh, ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me, pick me.

And I want that cute TSA employee over there, yes the one with the 'trainee' badge. Oh, and I'm very tickleish, and very honry.

I can't wait to get on a plain.

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Headmaster

Are you a native American?

What has getting out on the great plains got to do with this?

(Perhaps you meant P L A N E as in aeroplane)

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Coat

honry?

You mean "ornery"?

Yes, waiting in line for a free grope and the "plain", I would be pretty bad tempered and annoyed too!

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Pint

Fnarrr!

"A spokesman told us that he was not aware of any such plans — but he'll get back to us if anything comes up."

Something always comes up...

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Joke

Evil Genius plan

Next step is underpants bombs on younglings. Once the "Land of satan" has heard of this they will have to be more thorough on the younglings. This will bring us much gold through our pet laywers and the "land of satan" will have rightly have jihad brought to it by the "Protect the Children brigade"

and we will have their gold mwhahahahaa!!!

What? Their preists allready feel up the younglings?!?

No Gold!!!! The Chinese own it all???

Well fsck that! What a waste of a good plan!

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

FAIL

land of the stupid

So, a fake bomb is sent on a cargo plane from a long way away and the response is to humiliate passengers over here.

It's a good job there aren't stupid people in charge.

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Stop

Unfortunately....

Getting felt up by the TSA has nothing to do with the recent printer cartridge bombs. That was something that has been in the works since before last Christmas' attempted underwear bomber. Only now it is actually being rolled out where you have to go through the machines or submit to an intimate pat-down.

The toner cartridge bomb has now supposedly caused a cessation of toner cartridge shipments via air freight in the U.S. (I think I saw a news story on that yesterday looking at CNN.com or something like that ). So I guess if your printer runs out of toner you will not be able to overnight in a new cartridge.

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JMB

Airport screeners go for the groin

There has been one assassination attempt with a bomb hidden internally in someone's rectum. How long before that is tried on a plane and then the searches will get very intrusive.

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This post has been deleted by its author

(Written by Reg staff)

Re: The perv scanners cannot detect internal explosives...

Do you people ever read your comments before you post them?

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