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back to article Jobsian fondle-slab in SEXY FILTHGRAM CRACKDOWN

Famous fruitbrand fondle-slabbery firm Apple is moving to further bolster family values and hierarchical, authoritarian control - not to mention other rightwing American values such as abstinence from youthful or otherwise unapproved sexy sexuality - by the use of a traditional instrument of The Man's dominance: the US Patent …

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Anonymous Coward

Well done Apple

For successfully patenting a word filter. No prior art there.

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Re: AC 14:54

Indeed. I had a bozo filter on my Usenet feed close to 30 years ago.

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WTF?

Don't even

think about getting one if you live anywhere near Scunthorpe.

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Scunthorp hu!

Dildo (Newfoundland & Labrador)

Acock’s Green (Worcestershire, UK)

Babes Well (Durham, UK)

Bald Knob (Arkansas, US)

Brest (France)

Climax (several dotted around the USA)

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Just outside Bath

Just outside Bath climbs the beautifully named "Brassknocker Hill" (great for watching female cyclists in the colder months).

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Paris Hilton

France can also lay claim to

Pussy

On the road from Albertville to Moutiers as you approach Moutiers

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Also...

Don't try getting one in or around the various *sexes which appear throughout the UK and US.

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And another one...

Pratt's Bottom (village in the borough of Bromley).

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Jobs Horns

Another couple

Cockbush Avenue in Hertford, UK

Cum Cum Hill at Little Berkhampstead, Herts

The latter was removed for a while after a posh new golf club opened at the top of it. However, it's loss was clearly mourned as the sign re-appeared about a year later. Raised a little cheer in our car as we drove past.

I guess any golf club member with a iPhone will be getting lost shortly then.

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Or...

How about the Amish town of "Intercourse" in Pensylvania

Or the amusingly named Wank mountain in Germany.

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titular addition

Don't forget the old Viz stalwarts:

Wank (Germany)

Fucking (Austria)

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Anonymous Coward

I've driven through there once or twice.

You know it's not far from Blue Balls right?

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Bronze badge

Also in France,

"Bitche is located near the German border on the Horn"

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Re: John G Imrie

Not that anyone cares but Acocks Green is in Birmingham, West Midlands. I know as I live there...

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Anonymous Coward

Is it Friday already?

This is a post that contains letters.

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FAIL

This that yourself?

Farrell, is that you?

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FAIL

Yet another wonderful US patent

Or more likely, yet another wonderful US patent examiner. How in heaven's name did they get this one through? All it is is a wordfilter. It's dressed up to sound like something a little more sophisticated, but at its heart, it's a wordfilter.

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Anonymous Coward

hmm

I'm pretty sure I could configure a squid proxy to do something similar, the desktop real estate being administered devices. I could probably install something on every box if I was feeling inefficent.

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Coffee/keyboard

Keyboard...

..El Reg owes me a new one!

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WTF?

What?

Run that by me again. They've patented a hardware word filter.

For ****'s sake.

Do the USPO people live in a *******cave or some or some other **** hole. The useless ***** should be ********* sacked.

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Headmaster

Veil not vale

That is all

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Veil not vale

Is it? Is that all, sir? Is it?

Correction is incorrect.

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Happy

@Marky W

Ha! As my kids would say . . you got pwned!

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Headmaster

Maybe. It all depends

If shed in sufficient quantity, on a very cold day, it could be a veil of tears. In that case, it would also be a vale of tears style experience. We need more data and some funding.

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Would that be...?

Would that perchance be a "veil of tiers" then?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Maybe. It all depends

"We need more data and some funding."

Don't you start, we've got enough problems with climate change.

Unless you can lever it in somehow.

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Coat

(with apologies to Clark Gable et al.)

Frank Ly, my dear, I don't give a [Redacted by Apple].

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Coat

Obligatory

"Need a text blocked? There's an app for that!"

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Careful Now!

You're not allowed to say that. Or are you? I get confused.

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Big Brother

Thoughtcrime next?

You stand accused of unjobsian thought. It's Room 101 for you until you love all things Apple. It makes their famous '1984' advert all the more ironic, doesn't it?

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Jeeez

The US patent office will allow a patent on anything won't they!

A patent is only supposed to be granted on a new innovation which isn't blatantly obvious.

Content word filtering is hardly new. There may even be prior art on this exact use. I'm sure somewhere like a right wing Arab state or China have been doing this for years.

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Congratulations

The phrase "Famous fruitbrand fondle-slabbery firm Apple" absolutely made my day. Wonderful use of the English language!

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Anonymous Coward

Insert mandatory pun here

"Team Register"? Is Verity off sick then?

Or are we just hours off the first screening of "Team Register * Word Police"

(OK. I know it's Apple doing this, not El Reg, but the pun won't work otherwise)

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Paris Hilton

Camera not affected

Not much imagination required....

Paris can show you how.

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Anonymous Coward

Now send that to the Lay Scientist blog

then he might figure out what the Reg is about.

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Boffin

I have a Dream!

Steve Evans writes: "Jeeez The US patent office will allow a patent on anything won't they!"

I would like to patent a device that can automatically generate a patent that the US patent office will reject. Provided that such a device/software/buisness method is granted a patent -- and I'm unaware of prior art, nor do I think such a device is obvious to practicioners of the art -- then I think I can then diagonalize (after Georg Cantor) the US patent office, and we will never hear from them again.

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WTF?

The mind boggles

Someone, somewhere (in fact, here at El Reg, I think) speculated, tongue-in-cheek, that Apple was patenting the wheel, Beethoven, air, etc., to shine light on the absurdity of the U. S. patent system. I'm about half-willing to consider moving the tongue in this case to its normal position.

And if they aren't, this case and the many others like it should have that effect anyway, if some sufficiently prominent and respected voices can pipe up and cite them collectively in a suitably loud and blistering attack on the system.

(The film Patent Absurdity is a nice start, but I fear its audience is not getting very far beyond those who already understand the problem and don't need convincing.)

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old

this was files back in early 2008, is just a simple parental (and more importantly if you read the language for corporations) control, is completely options, and highly requested. It also does not yet exist in the product, and being 2 years old, probably won't.

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Big Brother

Sounds like Apple are getting increasingly self-righteous.

(Self-righteous as in ... "smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behaviour of others.").

So much for land of the free, when people are controlled by corporations like this.

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Seriously?

If you think Apple are in control, you should dig deep into General Electric, Halliburton, and Monsanto, just to begin with.

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Don't forget

The US village of Intercourse: http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quirkies/Intercourse_judge_in_nutty_condom_stunt

Sorry for the link to another rag but the reg missed this one (OK, so not I.T. related but amusing)

And yes, before correcting people you should really think about things. A veil of tears woudl kind of just drip down your front and not be very useful.

A vale of tears however being especially in context in the article since it is a biblical reference.

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Coat

Intercourse, PA

Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Not too far from Bird In Hand and Blue Ball! All three of which are located in Lancaster county of Amish fame.

There is actually a nice wine shoppe in the center of town. I know because my wife made me stop right in the middle of Intercourse and run in for a bottle!

(Mine's the one with the sneaky butler!)

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Joke

run in for a bottle

of aspirin?

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This title contains letters.

Also, Intercourse, PA borders the town of Paradise, PA.

Thus, in Pennsylvania, Intercourse is next to Paradise.

No, I'm not making it up. Nor is the line original; you can get it on plaques, keychains, and other trinkets through much of Lancaster County.

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Terminator

The long winter evenings....

...must just fly by.

(apologies to E.Blackadder)

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WTF?

good luck

How can you block that which is usually abbv.?

Good luck blocking leetspeak too!

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Silver badge

Should take about 10 seconds for kids to figure out how to get around it.

Life's a beach, so fork off.

Assuming most parents can even figure out how to turn it on...

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Pint

Will The Fruit Company...

...now go back and retroactively sue Net Nanny et al for infringement?

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Let me lift your flap and insert my tab.

So, Apple have finally developed a hypocorism- euphemism- and innuendo-filter as well as working out how to reliably detect naughty fleshtones in attached images?

It's alleged that what killed-off Betamax was that the VHS-people allowed their tech to be used for pr0n but the Betamaxists didn't. Part of me would like FruitCo to suffer the same fate. Perhaps Microsoft/Android/Windows7Phone should specifically offer apps like "Pr0nfinder Professional", "RateMyTodger" and "Nipple-Vu",

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Anonymous Coward

It has been alleged Betamax etc, etc., but like the current Obama adminstration charge that

the Chamber of Commerce is flooding foreign money into the current US elections, the allegations are entirely unfounded. I specifically recall that at the time Betamax was competing with VHS, Beta had the better pr0n at the local rental shop. Three things killed Betamax:

1. All the copyrights owners licensed their stuff on VHS because Sony (wisely in my estimation) wouldn't let Macrovision on their systems.

2. Beta never extended their tape length past 2 hours

3. VHS were mass produced by more vendors and therefore were cheaper than Beta.

Sadly, item 1 turned out to be the real killer as only a minority of copyright holders also licensed to Beta.

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