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back to article Primate-phobic Brit attacked by crab-eating Macaques

A Peterborough woman's plan to confront her lifelong fear of primates went seriously titsup when she was set upon by a pack of crab-eating macaques, the Daily Mail reports. Dee Darwell, 56, had apparently taken a strong dislike to our cousins as a result of her dad raising a "positively evil" chimpanzee. In an attempt to the …

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Silver badge
FAIL

A lot of monkeys in Peterborough, are there?

No, thought not. Then why the need to confront this particular fear?

And, if so, why not just head to the nearest zoo, where the monkeys would be caged - would probably be sufficient exposure to confront (or safely flee from) her fear.

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Anonymous Coward

peterborough ?

Even less in Hartlepool

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Coat

Actually,

I saw some primates near Peterborough Cathedral a few years ago.

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Peterborough

The place is full of primates from the lower echelons of the evolutionary tree. They hang around Cathedral Square, pestering everyone for money/fags/food/whatever.

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WTF?

How f**king stupid are these people?!

You have a genuine phobia of the sods so you go and find a semi-wild bunch of 'em on the other side of the world then complain when they attack you? FFS!

Why not go along to a local zoo or animal sanctuary in your area and get used to them in a nice gentle environment, where you can be assured they will be quite docile?!

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Anonymous Coward

How long before the legal action?

"I wouldn't have got off that bloody boat if the tour guide would have said at all that there was any danger, any risk, even the slightest risk. I would not have gotten off that boat."

There speaks a woman who is planning to sue. Judging by the size of the bandage all she got was a couple of bites. Had she been savaged she wouldn't look so damned healthy in the photograph. But really, you visit an island that's actually named after its wild inhabitants and act all surprised when they act like wild animals? Fucktard.

IMHO she deserved all she got and more for using the word "gotten".

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "gotten"

Also note the "would have said". The quotation appears not to be written in British English, despite allegedly coming from a "British woman".

Journalists do tend to invent quotations. I expect that quotation was invented by a US journalist.

Anyway, do I want to go on holiday there? Phuket!

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Happy

Help

I read stories like this and worry that my schadenfreude is becoming unmanageable.

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Paris Hilton

Crab-Eating Macaques Cause Cancer!

and quite possibly rabies too said The Daily Mail today.

As the other people above have said, what was this woman thinking? Speaking from experience, wild monkeys are little sods and will attack anything if they think they can get food or if they feel threatened and have sufficient back-up.

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Joke

But quite seriously...

"Crab-Eating Macaques Cause Cancer! and quite possibly rabies too said The Daily Mail today."

Did it happen to mention what effect will this have on house prices?

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Joke

RE: But quite seriously...

They didn't mention the house prices but they estimate that a native with a monkey-bite can be replaced by 4 or 5 immigrant workers.

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Coat

Her fault

It was probably her fault. If she had stopped monkeying around they would have left her alone!

/Mines the one with the bananas in the pocket!

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Her fault

AHAHAAHAHAAHAAAHAH.

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Re: re: Her fault

Slow day, Ms Bee?

Might I recommend a break to a small Thai coastline...?

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Happy

Thailand's Monkey Island?

These monkeys weren't green and foaming at the mouth, enraged due to the Voodoo Pox of LeChuck, by any chance?

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Silly monkeys

Don't they know that people don't have crabs in their arms? She's lucky they aren't well-informed...

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Happy

Well.....

... maybe not in their ARMS, exactly.

Guess the monkeys smelled crabs, but looked in the wrong spot.

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Coat

title

So that's The Secret of Monkey Island - don't tease the monkeys.

Or possibly that's The Curse of Monkey Island.

I'm glad she managed to Escape From Monkey Island.

Maybe she could sign a book deal, called Tales of Monkey Island, perhaps?

Mines the one with the photo of a Three-Headed Monkey in the pocket.

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And the monkey said...

"That woman fought like a dairy farmer."

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Coat

Obviously she's never seen Apocalypse Now

Never get out of the boat.

Absolutely goddamn right.

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Thumb Up

Especially

with a crab tattoo on your arm.

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Happy

Serves her right

The stupid bint is scared of monkeys, so goes to an island populated by monkeys. She is then bitten by, wait for it, monkeys! Holy shit, who'd have thunk it.

I laughed so hard at the beginning of the story, I nearly macaqued my underpants! Stories like this are a ba-boon to El Reg, I love 'em.

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Her dad's evil monkey

Maybe it wasn't really evil but struggling to come to terms with his monkey wife having an affair?

/familyguy_evil_monkey_in_chris_griffin's_wardrobe

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Coat

I wouldn't have got off that bloody boat

No, no, no, the boat was only bloody when you got back on :-)

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Troll

You've got to wonder about some people?

Aversion therapy does work but only in a controlled way, this is like throwing yourself a tall building to cure your fear of heights, which it will; permanently. But what is so special about crab-eating macaques are they in some way more horrifying than non-crab eating macaques. I think we should be told.

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Bronze badge
Coat

Re: You've got to wonder about some people?

Maybe she smelled like crabs. Or had them.

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Coat

Just remember......

That's how Braindead started..... the rats got(ten) off the boat, and raped all the little tree monkeys.

Mines the one with terrible Aussie splatter movies in the pocket.

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Coffee/keyboard

I don't know what you've got in that cellar, boy...

...but I want it decently buried!

Nuff said

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Anonymous Coward

Job Done

If a phobia is an unreasonable fear, then her phobia is cured! Good news. She now has very reasonable fear of monkeys.

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Anonymous Coward

Positively evil ?

sings..... Evil evil monkey !!!! /family guy

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Linux

Maybe it is a pheromone thing

One whiff and monkeys can't resist tasting her sweet, sweet human flesh.

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DT

Is that a banana in your pocket?

If she thought they were harmless, why was she scared? Can't have it both ways.

If she knew chimps could be "evil"* couldn't she extrapolate to monkeys being vicious?

*presumably it resided in her brother's wardrobe as is diaffected simians' wont.

Also, is it just me, or does Danni Minogue look like the navigator skull whenever she smiles?

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The title is required, and must contain letters and/or digits.

"Also, is it just me, or does Danni Minogue look like the navigator skull whenever she smiles?"

Can't say I noticed it on her, but Cheryl Cole certainly does!

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Anonymous Coward

Re:

"If she thought they were harmless, why was she scared? Can't have it both ways."

Plenty of people are scared of harmless spiders, don't you know?

It's not logical, it's emotional.

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title

Never get off the boat!

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Paris Hilton

Almost forgot to ask....

why didn't she just spank the monkey? I mean, really hard, fast and furious? My hand would have been a blur.....

........as usual.

Paris, as if you have to wonder....

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But Hugh,

this was Monkey Island remember; in this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us.

Damn you, you damn dirty apes, damn yous all to hell.

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Joke

come on eileen

Was she spanking the Monkey before it bit her?

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Anonymous Coward

Insel Affen

Its Friday. Ok? I just can't think of anything else but island apes, beer and worrying if its going to rain while I'm on the way home.

/coat

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She should stay in...

...and watch more films. She might have been spared her monkeygeddon experience:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3jak1wfO40

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Silver badge

@Hugh Jorgen

Surely you mean 'New Zealand splatter movies'

/me revs the lawn mower

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Troll

oh?

it's the same thing isn't it?

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WTF?

Errr ...

Humans are primates. This phobia sounds like a serious problem for a human to have!

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Zombie monkies

Clearly. Unfortunately no brain detected in proposed host for consumption, arm substituted.

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Happy

It'd eaten all me fags man.

A big pack of duty free. So I hoyed it in the sea. Didn't go straight in like, bounced off a rock first.

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Pirate

maybe monkeys just hate her

Maybe her dads chimp wasnt evil, maybe she is just hated by monkeys?

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Coat

you don't always have to face and defeat every fear and phobia

sometimes, you just gotta say, "Phuket!"

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RE: How long before the legal action?

Probably forever. If you walk along the pavement in Thailand and fall down a hole, they'd be more likely to ask you why you weren't looking were you were going than worry about being sued.

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Pint

haha

nothing else to say, except my ribs hurt :)

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Happy

one last thing...

At least her phobia is cured now, replaced with a rational fear.

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