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back to article Legless Lithuanian attacks copper with todger

A legless Lithuanian who "assaulted a female police officer with his penis" has been fined £600 for his trouble, the BBC reports. Marium Varinauskas, 28, got so rat-arsed that his girlfriend called cops to their Aberdeen flat. They arrived at 1am on 15 November "to find the self-employed engineer sitting on the sofa wearing a …

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  1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    WTF?

    The accused got to his feet...

    But he didn't have any legs...

    It's going to be a devil of a job to build the playmobil version of that one!

    9 0
  2. Ihre Papiere Bitte!!
    Coat

    Dangerous Precedent!

    (Initially, I read "legless" as "without legs" and was wondering how he had managed to attack...)

    "He can't remember anything but accepts that if that's what the police say then that's what happened."

    He hasn't had much experience with the police, has he?

    He can have my coat...

    2 0
  3. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    +++ Out of cheese error. Redo from start

    "A legless Lithuanian" ... "got to his feet and was standing"

    Does not compute.

    But at least now we've got an IT angle.

    1 0
  4. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Awards

    I think this could be the tabloid headline of the year.

    0 0
    1. Cthonus
      Reply Icon
      WTF?

      re Awards

      Aye, and just as accurate...

      0 0
  5. Chris Seiter
    Thumb Up

    it's worth a try

    There was a Lithuanian male

    Who drank way too much ale

    He stood on his stub

    pulled out his nub

    and now he's going to be in jail

    7 0
    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme
      Reply Icon
      Pint

      MOST excellent, good sir

      I somewhat unsteadily raise my glass in your honor.

      beer trumps keyboard spew

      0 0
  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    LOL

    Guys, legless means drunk.

    0 0
    1. Pirate Dave Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Pirate

      Oh

      it seemed a much more interesting story when I thought he was an amputee. Some drunk guy assaulting an officer with his wedding tackle is no big deal. But a drunk amputee doing the same - that takes balls.

      2 0
      1. YumDogfood
        Reply Icon

        Giant balls

        I have the most odd picture in my mind, of one Ivan Dobski.

        1 0
  7. Anonymous Coward
    Headmaster

    This story and the way it is reported

    Are totally playing into the hands of grammar nazis. Can I restrain myself? Yes.

    1 0
    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)
      Reply Icon

      Re: This story and the way it is reported

      I applaud you, sir.

      2 0
  8. ilikejam
    Pint

    Aberdeen

    The only city in the world where you can buy a bottle of vodka and 20 B&H from a bakery at 4am.

    0 0
  9. Duncan Hothersall
    Happy

    I love that he's giving up "binge drinking"

    How does one approach that?

    0 0
    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
      Reply Icon

      Easy..

      Switch to a different make. Avoid drinking "binge".

      Joking aside, I'm waiting for someone to bring out a drink called "binge" - just for the hell of it. Imagine the outrage :-)

      0 0
  10. Elmer Phud

    Missed opportunity?

    All she needed to do was fight back against the one-eyed trouser snake with a quick blast of pepper spray.

    That'd make the bugger's eye water!

    1 0
    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Stop

      Sir!

      Obnoxious, yer honor! One should not utter such painful words in this place, what with some of us being of the male persuasion and hence prone to empathic pain. You should be ashamed of yourself!

      Axually, one of my friends performed this operation on himself. Not with a pepper spray as such but raw chili peppers, quite strong, whot he was cutting up for a nice and hot chili con carne. He remembered not to touch his face but as we were drinking a lot of beer in the process he then had to go and take a leak... Then a shower. Then a really long warm bath. He endured the mirth quite well though. Probably due to general anaestethic as we kept feeding him beer in the bath. But a good time was had by all.

      0 0
  11. Oz
    Joke

    = Not needed

    I'd just like to say "what a knob"!

    0 0

  12. This post has been deleted by its author

  13. Mike Moyle
    Coat

    Well, if no one else will...

    Insert requisite "It'll never stand up in court," punchline here.

    2 0
  14. Nigel Brown
    Thumb Down

    Come on guys, I'm really disappointed...

    ....nobody make a joke about helmets.

    0 0
  15. SonofRojBlake
    WTF?

    Police state?

    Let me get this straight... he was at home, not bothering anyone except possibly his girlfriend. The police came into his house, then tried to charge him with "breach of the peace"??? How can you breach the peace in your own bloody house?

    1 0
    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
      Reply Icon

      Easy answer..

      "How can you breach the peace in your own bloody house?"

      You're obviously not married :-)

      0 0
    2. Ascylto
      Reply Icon
      Big Brother

      Answer

      Confront a rozzerette.

      1 0
    3. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Down

      Huh?

      Coz his girlfriend said he was? Like, she was so scared that she found reinforcements necessary? Not all that uncommon anywhere.

      0 1
    4. Jimmahh
      Reply Icon
      WTF?

      !(untitled) <-- I think I need to get out more

      "How can you breach the peace in your own bloody house?"

      Well, trying to cockslap a police officer seems to be a good start... =)

      1 0
  16. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    Is this a new phrase for the dictionary?

    Will "Bulgarian airbags" now be joined by "Lithuanian truncheon"?

    0 0
  17. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    It'll never stand up in court

    *ahem*

    0 0
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