back to article Top exorcist says Satan at work in Vatican

The Catholic Church's top exorcist has warned that Satan is alive and well and causing a whole load of problems at the Holy See. Father Gabriele Amorth, who according to The Times is president of honour of the Association of Exorcists, said the Vatican's current problems - including recurrent child abuse allegations and a …

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WTF?

Invisible demons plague invisible friends?

"Big boys... I mean... SATAN made us do it and ran away!"

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IT Angle

IT?

How is this relevant to anything the Register should be reporting on?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: IT?

It is relevant in that I am now preparing to make a blood sacrifice of you in order to summon hellfire.

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IT Angle

70,000 demons!

At least one must be a cyberdemon or perhaps even a dreaded spider mastermind!

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WTF?

Bootnotes

Haven't you figured out yet that when it's filed under bootnotes, there isn't an IT connection?

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Coat

@IT?

Do you have any idea of how many daemons roam the Linux systems?

Probably the Exorcist Association is planing an all-out assault against Ubuntu and its unholy brethren

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Flame

Oh shit!!!

No further comment

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Coat

Ohhh ....

I do like a lady who can wield a sacrificial dagger like a pro.

Right, I'll be off before I become the next in line.

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In other news

The fairies at the bottom of my garden are becoming a nuisance

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Joke

If only...

he'd launched his book in time for Christmas...

We could refer to the Vatican as "Satan's Grotto" from now on.

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Alien

Satan's Grotto?

A renamed "Titty Twister"? I would patronize it.

On a more sober note, WHY does humanity need a Chief Exorcist in the year 2010??

A Xenu logo shall do-

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Anonymous Coward

Is it just me?

When I see those things in shops at Christmas time I think "Santa's grotty".

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Coat

Tom Hanks & Amelie — where are you?

If only there was a popular novelist out there who would be strong to expose these practices in the Vatican. Something stinks in there and we need Western actors and actresses to ferret it out.

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IT Angle

Rinuincio

Rinuincio, Rinuincio, Rinuincio

to report stories that have nothing to do with IT.

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WTF?

WTF

does Rinuincio mean?

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Flame

untitled

Of course, we all know what it means if the Pope tries to deny this - he must be in league with the devil himself!

<- Burn them all

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Gates Horns

70,000?

How old is this guy? If he's 70 years of age, he has -- on average -- done 1,000 a year. More obviously since he probably didn't do very many before he was 20.

Nearly four a day; over four a day if he rests on Sunday, which he no doubt does. How long does it take to do an exorcism, including travel time? Or does he keep office hours and the possessed wait patiently for him in the waiting room? I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that waiting room. Probably more fun than people watching in a Walmart parking lot in Alabama.

And he found the time to write a book about it.

Bill with horns obviously, but only because you don't have a Prince of Darkness. (And I'm a bit of a Apple fan, so it can't be Stevo.)

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Anonymous Coward

a title

Could be Mass Exorcism, if something like that exists at all

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Headmaster

Ah, but...

It says he's been _involved with_ 70,000 cases of demonic possession, not actually carried out that many seperate exorcisms.

Maybe he has to get rid of the odd bus-full of tortured souls all in one go, thereby upping his daily average nicely and giving him the odd afternoon off to talk to the press.

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I've read something like that

about Santa Claus...

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Ofc there is...

...you get it at level 70!

I do find it breathtaking how they can make up this stuff.

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Joke

Perfectly doable

This guy offers several kinds of exorcisms.

The 'Personalized Service', in which he is close to the patient while administering the treatment. It's quite expensive but customer's satisfaction is guaranteed. Only a small percentage of exorcisms fall into this category.

The 'Online Service', where he visits pr0n web pages non-stop till he finds signs of satanic possession, and then starts using his aspergillum on the said page till the demons go away in disgust. A dedicated exorcist can perform dozens of exorcisms like this each day.

And finally the 'Junior Service' where he performs his exorcisms on the groups of children and teenagers that follow him laughing and throwing stones whenever he leaves his home.

Seventy thousand? He has probably performed twice as much exorcisms, but doesn't want the local IRS to know about them. :)

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FAIL

70,000 exorcisms?

That is 3 exorcisms a day, 7 days a week, for about 64 years.

Am I allowed to call a priest a liar?

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Hosts of demons

Don't forget that a person can be "possessed" by more than one demon at a time - could be tens/hundreds. (Look, I don't believe this load of old crock, but some obviously do). Cases of multiple possession could really cut down the workload, unless a multiple exorcism takes as long as many single ones. Personally I'd load up the crop duster with Holy Water to cut down the hours.

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'That is 3 exorcisms a day, 7 days a week, for about 64 years.'

I don't know how these things work, but perhaps there are loyalty schemes run along the lines of 'excommunicate two creatures from the Pit and we'll throw in a further lost soul absolutely free.' Or maybe he once exorcised a demonic beehive and is counting all the residents?

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Happy

Satan at work in Vatican?

In the words of Andy Hamilton... "Again."

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Being Human

Was he inspired after the last few episodes of "Being Human"?

That ritual seemed to work rather well.

(Where's the icon for the men with sticks, the men with rope and the men with black black feathers on their black black wings?)

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FAIL

Hmmm

Lucifer, fallen Angel, once favoured of God, Lord of Hell - has this dull twat not got anything better to do? I mean, for fucks sake, even watching soap operas has got to be better than hassling stupid gits that run around telling everyone that their invisible friend is the best one.

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FAIL

Indeed...

Yep, we have no idea how to explain the fact that the priests cannot keep their hands off the alter boys private bits...hmmmm....hey I know, we have this ready made excuse that no one can argue with! We'll blame Satan! You want to know about Satan? Listen to BBC's Old Harry's Game by Andy Hamilton!

George Carlin's great quotes...

"God, the all seeing, all wonderful being that he is. has a set of 10 things he does not want you to do. If you do any these things, he has a special place full of pain, misery and eternal torment, you will be made to suffer for eternity! But God does love you!"

"I was a Catholic, until I reached the age of reason, around 13 years old!"

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Mail order exorcists?

Can you still buy those entry tickets to heaven from the Vatican - I think they are called indulgences. Surely there's an ecommerce opportunity here? Twenty quid get's you a nicely designed PDF - 'Pearly Gates - Admit One'. And it's not as though a lot of dissatisfied customers will be complaining.

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Indulgences

Yes they still exist in the Catholic church, but it's not been permitted to buy them since the Council of Trent sometime in the 16th Century. They can now only granted by the Apostolic Penitentiary in the Vatican itself.

The production of blank indulgences was one of the first uses of Gutenberg's printing press Beforehand they had to be laboriously written out from beginning to end; along comes the printing press and voila - a whole new market was born.

Just fill in your name, mortal sin and a suitable donation to Christ's Kingdom on Earth and you - yes YOU - could save HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS of years in Pergatory. No sin too big or too small! Apply today. The price of eternal salvation may fall as well as rise. Contact your local catamite for details.

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Thumb Up

70,000?

Why am I reminded of Eddie Izzard's mass-murderer sketch when I read this?

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFtkJd8w5UQ )

Exorcised 70,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! Your diary must look very odd: get up, exorcism, exorcism, exorcism, lunch, exorcism, exorcism, exorcism, afternoon tea, ...

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Anonymous Coward

Not exactly surprising

This isn't exactly surprising. I'm assuming that the Vatican work according to God's will (I don't know for sure as I'm not Catholic and don't keep abreast of their activities) and that God is doing good stuff through them. If this is the case, then he will always show up - it's his job to disrupt what good God is doing.

Everywhere you find God at work doing good, and look under the surface, you will probably find evidence of Satan trying to undermine it in suble ways - it's the way he works.

So not exactly news, but nice plug for his new book I suppose!

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Coat

Yet another puff-piece from El Reg

Exorcist reckons demonic possesions at all time high. This is news? File under advert posing as news along with

Security firm reckons virus threat at all time high.

Productivity tool maker reckons productivity at all time low.

He's just looking for free advertising!

I'll get my cowl :-)

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Pint

Join my cause

I've started a new movement - Bullshitbolloxology. We seek out bullshit and bollocks wherever it hides. First stop, Excorcists, then Faith Healers, Astrologers, Fortune Tellers, Psychics, and then every religion on the planet.

Who's with me?

@Code Monkey: You'll need a qualified Fairyologist. Those guys are the BOMB!

Beer because I bloody well need one today.

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Anonymous Coward

So there are no demons in Germany?

Or does he mean that the devil has won in Germany. Last time I was there it all seemed very civilised (well, as civilised as the Munich Beer Festival can be). Lots more god botherers than England.

I suspect that someone has threatened his budget...

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Alien

Germany...

... sent their top demon to the Vatican - and he got the job! Done.

No Palpatine icon :(

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Rather unfortunate name for an exorcist...

...."Amorth" sound like a name of exorcist´s main adversary. Or the main boss in any generic RPG I ever played.

As for 70 000 exorcisms, I bet there is some serious misunderstanding. It sound more like a number of all exorcisms, mentioned in Vatican archives during last 1000 years, perhaps?

Call me skeptic, but you can perform 70 000 exorcisms during one lifetime only with a help of Satan....wait....

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Coat

Name

[quote] ...."Amorth" sound like a name of exorcist´s main adversary. Or the main boss in any generic RPG I ever played. [/quote]

Now you made me think what his name sounds like. It is the perfect short version of "Amon Amarth". The link is obvious. He must live a double life as a Vatican exorcist at day and Swedish Viking Metal band member at night. It all fits - obviously, when he had a creativity low, he just reupcycled some exorcist ritual chant for a text.

"Free yourselves from the chains

Of lies that hold you down

Arise to be free again

We'll fight till we have won"

before hitting on inspiration for the next verse

"Priests of hypocrittic love talk of peace and Christ

Power is their only goal

Now they all shall die

Turn the blade around, put the oppressors down"

(Title: God, His Son And Holy Whore, Interpret: Amon Amarth, Album: The Avenger (2000))

Mine's the denim one with a Bathory patch on the back, and white face powder and a dozen of kajals in the pocket.

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Gates Horns

>>How is this relevant to anything the Register should be reporting on?

BOFH of course!

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IT Angle

@SoapOperaLusers

There is a saying "Everyone is a believer in the foxhole".

Maybe you have never been in one.

What you don't know about it's best not to talk about.

You may think that you are a rational person but you believe that this planet is flying through an infinite universe. Where do you think the universe *is*? Oh, most of it is invisible don't you know!

For all you know this world could be a simulation on a galactic supercomputer somewhere, you would have no way of telling.

Stop watching crap TV and go and read some books, (not Dan Brown etc.)

Meanwhile STFU!

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What you don't know about

Sadly, SoapOperaLusers' original comment doesn't seem to be here anymore, so I'll have to judge your reply out of context. But ... if you really believe people should shut up about stuff they don't know about, and if you are willing to accept the old "everything's a simulation" argument, then I have just two suggestions.

Firstly, since for all *you* it might all be a simulation, *you* don't really know either, so why don't you take your own advice.

Secondly, whilst you are offline, try reading up on "testable hypothesis" and see if you can learn what "knowing about" actually means to a sensible person.

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smoke of Satan

having spent last night at the pub quiz I can confirm my office is now filled with the smoke of Santa, as well.

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FAIL

It's 2010

and people who appear grown-up still believe in invisible muppets...

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The Devil's at work in the Vatican?

So. I don't want you to use birth control. Or abortion - and I especially want 11-year-old rape victims to have their bastard children. Except that having children out of wedlock is a sin too - oops. But it doesn't matter, because enjoying sex is a sin too, so that's one sin the rape victims haven't committed. Aren't I kind, folks?

Don't kill people either - that's bad. Unless I particularly tell you to murder your own children, of course, like I did with Abraham. Or ethnic cleansing, like I told the Canaanites to do. And I'm free to go off and do a bit of killing of cities, firstborn sons, and suchlike, of course.

And the Church is carrying out my Divine commands, so always respect priests. Even when they're raping kiddies. Or when they're telling one African tribe to kill all the members of another African tribe. Or when they're telling people to murder abortionists and homosexuals.

Oh, and gambling's a sin too. Even though I had that little bet with the Devil about what Job would do when I killed off his family and friends.

In other words, do what I say, not as I do, and no-one gets hurt. And then of course you get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven, where I'm the Boss for all eternity. Enjoy...

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Saddening

Where there is power and unaccountability, where there is temptation, humans will do wrong, and this is their responsibility, not that of spirit beings. Religious belief can have a positive influence in some ways, but when it degenerates into superstition, the consequences are bad.

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Heart

I

bootnotes

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Gold badge
FAIL

Satan in the Vatican?

He's got a job that entitles him to spend his time in strip joints, casinos, bars, brothels, drug dens and anywhere else where sin, debauchery and all the other fun stuff goes on.

So why the fuck would he go anywhere near the Vatican? I can see* how some might prefer a good Tridentine Mass to being in the front row at a titty bar with a crowd of supermodels and an infinite supply of coke and booze, but Satan doesn't strike me as the aesthetic, self-denying type somehow.

*With great difficulty I might add.

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Anonymous Coward

`Top` Excorcist...

PMSL

That's like being the biggest dragon...or the spookiest ghost... or the cutest fairy... LOL ....

It's not Satan that did it, it was the men of the Catholic Church! Check your history!

Maybe they meant Stan. He works on reception. I hear he's an utter c*nt.

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Joke

"Top" excorcist

Everyone knows that Olly Reid was the top exorcist...

...he always managed to dispose of more spirits than anyone else!

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