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back to article Sellafield gull cull mulled

Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant is considering a cull of gulls which could have come into contact with contaminated waste. A spokeswoman for Sellafield told the Beeb: "Contamination is particularly evident within the historic facilities such as open fuel storage ponds, which gulls can access, although there are a number of …

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Grenade

I don't think so!

'The larine menace will be dealt with in a "safe and humane" way'

Yeah? We puny humans don't stand a chance against such mutated airborne death-bringers, swooping down on us in legion following a frenzied binge-feed on toxic waste.

Only solution - we MUST get hold of Brian Blessed and his flock of Hawkmen from Flash Gordon to defend us.

2nd Squadron - D-I-I-I-I-I-I-VE!

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Welcome

May I be the first (but I bet i'm not)

May I be the first to welcome our new giant toxic mutant gull overlords!

Reminds me of that film Guesthouse Paradiso - I can image Richie and Eddie serving up mutant gulls for dinner!

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Gold badge
Joke

Gag idea.

Anyone know any Taiwanese geneticists?

I'm thinking that releasing a few luminous seagulls in the vicinity could provide some entertainment value.

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Silver badge

and if ...

there were only rather dim, male birds on the east coast: which weren't going to be being killed so much, until the plan was shelved:

Hull dull bull gull cull lull mull pulled

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Mark Thomas

Didn't Mark Thomas do something about this in one of his programmes years ago?

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Radioactive bird poop?

So how is it not dangerous to have birds firing nuclear waste out of their rears? Another cover up......

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NB
Heart

well..

I, for one, welcome our new radioactive avian overlords.

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Boffin

Rooftop menace

Of course, this wouldn't be a problem if the Sellafield authorities covered up the remaining radioactive water reservoir. As access is open (to the skies, at least) seagulls fly down and paddle around on the surface, hence the glowy gull menace.

The main effect of this is neighbourhood roofs. Gulls sit and poop on those too, and the cumulative avian effort has made the rooftops of many houses around Sellafield measurably radioactive. I'm fairly sure I'm right in saying that many houses have had their roofing slates replaced for free because of this.

Culling the gulls is a smart move, especially static colonies that have lived in the area long enough to build up radiation. An even smarter move (but rather expensive, I guess) would be sorting the problem at its source, by covering the radioactive pools, or seeing what can be done about reducing and disposing of the water.

On the plus side: At least it's only gulls that got into the pools, and not sharks.

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Unhappy

So why cant I?

Living on the coast.. Seagulls are a constant menace, noise, source of poop... (And not just the glow in the dark kind). Yet we're always told that its an offence to rid yourself of the gulls. And the council wont do much either.

So how come theyre allowed to nuke the gulls?

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Silver badge

'So how come theyre allowed to nuke the gulls?'

Because they're the ones with the plutonium.

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FAIL

eh?

Surely gulls aren't the only creature that can access those pools- How soon before we see swarms of radioactive midges?

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Just think how bad they are at Chernobyl

"Listen, Stalker. The seagull anomaly can be identified by a loud shrieking noise, but fortunately is not particularly dangerous. It can take a chunk out of your thumb and nick your dinner though,"

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Coat

Movie..?

So, when can we expect the (stop) motion picture?

"Gullzilla!"

Also, when can we start exporting our local sea gulls to Sellafield?

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Coat

Gullzilla

Maybe we can tame them and ride them like the Ikran-riders in Avatar!

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I see nothing changes much

Back in the early '80s, one of my fellow students got a placement at Winds^h^h^h^hT^hSellafield, came back after six months with all sorts of tales about the place. (And, the obligatory healthy glow)

The most relevant one here was that they had regular culls of the wildlife and feral animals (mention was made of it being mostly feral cats) within the site, this, he was told, was done to cover up the incidences of mutations and contaminated beasties..

--

Government Inspector: "Now what's all this we hear about problems with the local wildlife ?, we've heard talk about radioactive feral cats.."

Sellafield: "radioactive feral kitties?, what radioctive two headed feral kitties?"

Government Inspector: "Two headed?..."

Sellafield: "Ah shit, 'tis a fair cop, but at least they keep the carnivorous rabbits in check.."

Government Inspector: "Carnivorous Rabbits?.."

Sellafield: "Ah, shit again, did I say anything about the 40ft tall glowing telepathic seagull we call Barry that we keep hidden in the Reactor golfball?"

Government Inspector: "Err, Ok, so no problems with the local wildlife then."

(Government Inspector runs away *really fast*)

Sellafield: "Thank god for that, at least he didn't find out anything about the fieldmice.."

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Chernobyl

Judging by the size of seagulls in Aberdeen, I can only assume they are descendents of those in Sellafield.

@Iawndart: having been to chernobyl, I can confirm there is no need to worry about mutated gulls, or any other form of bird life there! The cooling ponds though are home to some rather large fish. I didnt notice any with three eyes, however.

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Silver badge

Jeez

These things are scary enough unmutated. Though it's possible Cornwall's flying velociraptors might have been caused by a natural high chip, high radioisotope diet.

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Thumb Up

Good riddance

The more of these bastard raucous flying shit machines that are culled, the better.

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Pirate

Pond 1 and Building 37

Imagine our surprise testing the new firmware on a collimated neutron detector when we found a seagull nest gently radiating americium neutrons on the flat roof of building 37 - pity the poor sap who had a desk on the other side of the wall from it - his dosage film always came back black, now we knew why :)

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Joke

The gull carcasses are stored on site

...and served in the caferteria

(Alt menu: Fission chips)

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The task has been outsourced...

...to Colonel Sanders.

Nothing to see here. Move along.

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FAIL

This is a title, it is required.

"The gull carcasses will be stored on site"

So they'll become yet more intermediate-level waste waste then, to be disposed of in years to come? This means the whole-life cost of killing, storing and eventually processing one gull will probably be in the £x000s

Madness.

Good article title though :)

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Joke

and no one mentioned....

and no one mentioned taking off and nuking them from orbit?! You know it is the only way to be sure.

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Bronze badge

I'm reminded of early radar experiments

Early radar installations microwaved passing birds to death. Surely Sellafield's radioactive waste could be protected by a well-placed invisible death ray or two?

(Unfortunately, for safety, staff would have to be wrapped in Bacofoil when working on site, which would give enntirely the wrong impression - in fact you use METAL foil when you DON'T want to microwave something)

As for Aberdeen, there's natural radioactivity there (some everywhere but more there): look up granite and radon. (Note: you don't get radon only from granite.) It's what keeps the traditional "Fermion haddie" warm. :-)

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Re:placement

And it didn't occur to either of you that they were possibly just having a bit of fun with the work experience guy? Place like that it wouldn't surprise me if they had that kind of sense of humour.

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