A Southampton man who somehow got his todger stuck in a three-inch length of steel pipe had to be cut free by eight firemen bearing an angle grinder, the Southern Daily Echo reports. The drama began when the unnamed 30-something chap presented himself at Southampton General Hospital's A&E department suffering from "restricted …
I would have thought a dremel type cutter would be more appropriate - less likely to slip and cause serious injury.
Alternatively, they could have used a syringe - remove some of the offending blood, hence freeing the pipe.
IN a 3-inch length of pipe?
Which kind of implies (Though god help me I'm going to have to bleach my brain after thinking about this) that his erect todger was shorter than 3-inches.
Talk about piling humiliation upon despair!
And seriously, a metal pipe? Of all the things you could consider sticking your knob in that would have to be one the last. It's cold, hard, unyielding and with sharp edges - was it my wife?
Unlucky, sir, unlucky.
Re: IN a 3-inch length of pipe?
He might not have gone balls deep.
Unless he had the 3" pipe up to the hilt and the other 9" hanging out the end.
Wonder how long it took to pluck up the courage to go to hospital and show someone what he'd done with a 3" length of pipe and his herman gelmet
It's a pipe, i.e. open ended, which is why it got stuck, to put it bluntly the head got swollen and wouldn't fit back down the pipe, if it had been inside, a bit of soapy water would of worked.
Blood is pumped up the centre and returns on the outer, hence it swell up when contricted and can't shrink. If they had syringed it, it would of just filled up again as fast.
.. for the heads up.
The one with the KY, thanks..
Not something to poke fun at!! ;-)
I read the article, didn't check the author first.
I didn't even have to 'page up' to immediately realise it was written by Lester...Nice one!
I should get out more, but it's -31C at the moment, so reading El Reg in the pub is warmer.
I can't think of a single thing
that would do justice to this story.
Pun... overload... head... exploding...
Did you think he...
..would need a stiff drink afterwards?
Mine's the one with the tub of axle grease in the pocket..
ONLY three or four times?
Multiplied by how many fire stations? That seems like a lot of people doing something silly.
Perhaps they should do one of those nice public information broadcasts. Don't run with scissors; don't play near water; don't stick your todger in a rusty pipe.
I always remember the one they used to show when I was a kid about not playing with fireworks. Some small child is rushed into the hospital with their hand wrapped in bandages. The nurse unwraps the ever more stained bandages until – there is no hand inside. Used the scare the willies out of me at the time.
Where's the penis angle? ...oh wait!
Paris, 'cus she's had a few pipes herself.
Try something safer, like a watermelon, next time!
I'm surprised by the age of the people who get themselves into this sort of difficulty. Perhaps they don't report the under-18s, but these are men aged 30+ or 40+. They should know better.
A solid steel Fleshlight?
Sounds more like someone from Portsmouth.
My favorite bit was the comments that he'd seen only three or four similar incidents in his 17 year career.
Lads, come on, a steel pipe? How on earth is this going to be a good idea, let alone a sensuous experience, especially in this cold?
Let me guess. Careful with money is he?
"....somehow got his todger stuck in a three-inch length of steel pipe..."
Obviously a very tight-fisted wanker.
I think this says more about the ladies of that southern city than anything else. Grim.
..surely for the year's first playmobil perversion!
...a Playmobil angle-grinder...?
Need beer at very thought....
Has he been placed on the sex offenders register like that chappie with the bicycle in his locked hotel room?
Can *anyone* explain why you would subject yourself to somethign like this? It doesn't even sound perverted, it's so far beyone anything that my mind can boggle.
Can't quite get the mental picture straight - perhaps you could produce a helpful Playmobil reconstruction?
I would not...
...stick THAT in my pipe and smoke it!
...truly 'plumbing' the depths of bad taste :)
Reminds me of...
A story about a guy who drove 30 miles with a length of hoover pipe on his junk to a hospital to get it removed...
When asked why he drove so far, instead of going to his local A&E he admitted to being a consultant surgeon and didn't want to be recognised at the hospital where he worked...
Just put the pipe into iced water.
That's what I.....er....that seems likely to alleviate the problem.
If that didn't work, you'd end up with a three inch length of frozen steel pipe stuck on your knob and the world's hacks would be merrily churning out articles about the poor sod who had to have his frostbitten todger removed.
Maybe it would be a good idea to keep a blowtorch handy, just in case?
maybe a better idea
would be to get an easy girlfriend?
Where can I see...
... the youtube video??
tripping over and accidentally landing up a chicken's clacker
i had an ED call recently where a "rural gentleman" had "tripped over" and his pants fell off, and he gained a spontaneous erection, and it accidentally landed in the back end of a chicken...what are the odds, eh?..anyway, the chicken died in the process of this "tripping over" which caused its clacker to contract shut on the base of his tockley.
so we made him wait in the ED waiting room for about 5 hours with a dead chicken on his old fella before surgically removing it, even though we weren't busy at all, just for the luls ;]
penguin cause its the closest icon to a chicken!
Thanks for that, it took me a while to stop laughing.
It does create a problem, though, I cannot get that image out of my mind of someone sitting in a waiting room in that condition. Quality..
What was that about using feathers or using the whole chicken? Oh, yes..
obviously just cleaning his pipes
for the new year
But who hasn't thought about trying it :-)
I think the possibility of ending up at A&E having to explain your predicament, let alone trying to create an excuse which is in anyway believable, would curtail most people's thoughts that this might be a good idea. You know there will be giggles. Lots.
I can only imagine the best way to deal with it with any dignity is with a bold, brash approach. Waltz in with said piping and insertion dangling in the breeze, and a "let's see you get that off then!" attitude.
Might be an idea to build up to it in stages, get them used to your weekly appearance. Then they won't bat an eyelid.
Ah, that would be one to wield the cutter, and seven to hold him down then.
Fire station humour?
"St Mary’s crew manager Adrian Johnson..."
Accompanied by assistant crew managers Paul Totherwon and Heyward Jablowme no doubt.
If it was the 1860s
They'd have just given him some opium and left him alone for a half hour.
Should have gone for the water melon
Apparently and not I hasten to add through experience, a hollowed out water melon has often been favoured over steel pipe. You see steel pipe, especially pipe that has been cut is liable to contain swarf, which as any shagger of engineering and construction components will tell you can result in terrible splinters, which, unless stainless steel can become infected very quickly. A water melon on the other hand, notwithstanding the significant risk of seeds becoming lodged in your John Thomas has the added bonus of giving the shagger the ability of inviting his friends to join in...at the same time merely by creating another passage and 'diving on in'.
This mutual approach to the shagging of inanimate objects also has the benefits of making A&E related stories all the more plausible, in that if three guys arrive in the waiting room and stick to the same story.........'we were practicing our new dance routine when suddenly we were set upon by a nympho melon' the staff are bound to believe it. Have any more readers got any similar views.......I heard that a pound of sausage, when brought up to room temperature has often been used at parties.......not that I have had experience of such things!!
Thanks for that ;)
of a butcher in Malta I knew many years ago who, feeling a little tired while on the job, slipped a salami into his gf in lieu.
..."somehow" got his todger stuck...
I really don't think there's any doubt /how/ he got his todger stuck... only *why*!
Cold weather, steel pipe, why?
I can only assume that one of his friends had triple dog dared him.
It was the subheading "Free whitepaper – Desktop virtualization" that frightened me most.
Add me to the list of those needing a Playmobil version...
WAY WAY too much information..
I've heard of the hard up scoring with a milk bottle, I've heard of sad and lonely hitting on a vacuum cleaner.. but a metal pipe.. that's a first for me..
I think the highlight of the story was when the watch commander states he's ONLY come across this kind of thing 3 or 4 times.. You'd think (indeed hope and pray) that this kind of thing would be a once in a lifetime event!
Playmobil or it didn't happen !!!
Reminds me of Family Guy.
"Hey, it's Quagmire.... yeah, it's stuck in the Window this time".
...an old friend who used to work at an A&E department once told me about a husband and wife arriving - he with a severely lacerated John Thomas and she with severe concussion. Turns out that she was administering oral pleasure in the kitchen and had some kind of fit. The only thing the husband could think of to unclamp his wife's gnashers was to repeatedly bash her around the head with a frying pan.
Got to hand it to the fireman with the grinder though
That's some steady hands!
shame it wasn't lead
As that would have led to an excellent pun about him wanting a bit more lead in his pencil
Seriously though, how would you really get into such a predicament unless you were doing something other than working with the pipe.
Mine's the one with the cricket box in the pocket as I hear these rogue pipes hunt in packs,,,,
- 'Kim Kardashian snaps naked selfies with a BLACKBERRY'. *Twitterati gasps*
- Review Apple iPhone 6: Looking good, slim. How about... oh, your battery died
- Crawling from the Wreckage THE DEATH OF ECONOMICS: Aircraft design vs flat-lining financial models
- +Comment EMC, HP blockbuster 'merger' shocker comes a cropper
- Moon landing was real and WE CAN PROVE IT, says Nvidia