"I just don't understand him!" the PFY snaps. "Yes, well, you've got to remember we’re talking about a new Boss, so we're really looking at one of three types of people," I reply. "A - a grizzled professional who's seen and endured the stupidity of users. B - an idiot with no idea who just keeps his head down and waits till …
"Or the end of the world is so near that karma has decided to clear the backlog of crap lives."
*Now* everything starts to make sense !
Love it. Just love it.
"Backlog of crap lives" - gave my weekend a flying start.
Ahhhhhhh my Friday is now perfect!
Fab installment Simon you're really getting back into your stride now.
He's baaaaaaaaack .... and he's got a portable bulk eraser!
Aaaahh ..... good to see the BOFH back in fine form, eliminating managerial stupidity one airtight conference room at a time!
Good thing I put my coffee down BEFORE I started reading though ... or I'd really have needed that new keyboard.
Plenty of BS
Theres plenty of BS over here. The management are full of it.
Oh yes, and mission statements - does anybody actually read them?
Deceptively tame until the pay off - nice!
I may be stealing that one. Just so you know.
And thank you, you've brightened a dull Friday.
The BOFH kills faster than Swine Flu.
"Gas them like badgers"???
Serves me right for reading BOFH whilst eating my sandwiches! Would that be S, bS or BS on my part, I wonder?
This is what I love to wake up to. Well Done
A Brave and Boldly Going Act of Mercy to Badgers and Assorted Miscreants
An Übermensch Class Act, Simon. And an Attractive and Viable Template for Useless Toadies and SQLing Piglets with their Snouts in the Trough. COPoisoning to Relieve the Climate of Stinking Rank Airheads ....... Wastes of Time and Space. :-)
No more need be said than <3
We need one
I think we need an airtight conference room. Oh, and a generator.
Well done that man. :-)
A fine one to start the weekend with, I might use some of it in the pub later on, "backlog of crap lives" splendid!!
I'm guessing 2, right?
"N= IQ x BS^2 x IQ x bS^S"
blind Stupidity to the power of Stupidity... Now that's an enormous number but doesn't correlate with the previous equasions; and it implies a third stupid party, which has not been introduced.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are plenty of spare Stupids around, but I think you might have meant bS^2 ???
That was the BOMB!
Which would lock the doors, start the generator and gas them like badgers
Brought tears to my eyes. Priceless!
"just had to tell someone" - frikkin hilarious :)
I Work For B's
I was having a miserable morning with yet more idiot users requests (can't we get free software to do this?) when, OH JOY, a new BOFH. It's all clear to me now. Management is a bunch of type B's--any user idea, no matter how weird or nonsensical, has to be much better than anything I, with several degrees and twenty years of experience, could ever come up with. Thank you, Simon, for bringing a smile to my face and saving my users from bloodshed this morning.
Sounds pretty much like where I work...
...except in our case the 'working party' in question is not just the one, but several, and are not merely ignoreable 'advisors' to the respective Departments, but *in charge* of them. And the worst one of all is the one running the whole Company. The whole mission statement, vision and values stuff is so true, and they never seem to twig we just laugh at that stuff, then ignore it and get on as best we can despite their constant meddling with things they just don't understand...
...we either need a 'buy executive management a clue' fund, or a fourth floor secure conference room...
...and we also need a 'hatchet' or 'going postal' icon of some kind. Excep that post isn't really going anywhere much at te moment, is it? ;)
*is counting down the hours to freeeeedom - can you tell?*
My thoughts exactly, but we will need some dried-frog pills for the bursar please!
That was great :) ... I just had to tell someone about it :D
Simple and effective
I just had to tell someone!
The BOFH offsets his CO2 emissions (mostly from lager fermentation) by reducing other humans' carbon footprints to zero. How thoughtful.
The green icon.
We have 'working parties' about 'working parties' and we don't have enough conference rooms, the one I can seal tight will be booked by me for the rest of the year at this rate and it's going to cost me a fortune in Diesel for the generator.
Need another alternative to the gassing Simon ;)
If your conference room is *air* tight, it will also be *water* tight. Trigger the door locks and the sprinklers in that room and you're good to go.
-- Mines the one with modified security/fire system EPROM in the pocket...
"I just had to tell someone..." -
Simon... did he REALLY never tell you where he keeps his bong?
Marvellous idea but...
Our generator runs on natural gas, I guess I'll have to stick with the FM200.
of course you alsoe get the Annoyance factor, Annoyance A = (S^2 * IQ) / T
where T is Tolerance .
We all know what happens when tolerance reaches zero.
Finally got my BOFH
at 17.12... guess that means it's finally pub oclock.
I thought everybody knows, not only to you direct the generator exhaust through the room, but you route the power through the table (and make sure the chairs are earthed. If the BOFH has taught us anything, there is no kill like overkill.
Not to mention when dealing with plant life, you just cannot rely on displacing the oxygen.
Pressed the last button
... for Ogasmic
Thanks for the definition!
Type C. Got plenty of 'em out here in SoCal!
Now, if somebody knows of a very discreet firm that will install an airtight conference room with leaky generator exhaust in the vicinity of Los Angeles, let me know. We got BS^3 out here and need something done ASAP!
Back in fine form I see. Lovely stuff, well presented.
Except of course that, having terminated the lead drums wrapped in cement, he's going to have to find a few more - which might be a problem if the fate of the first group ever leaks.
Have his/her/it's own special icon?
A round for the author!
Gloating is necessary
Also, amanfromMars is surprisingly lucid today.
Sadly apart from the cracked exhaust, this sounds like the workings of IT management in major high street banks!
Why Paris? she doesn't have a clue either!!!
> *Now* everything starts to make sense !
I double that. Now I understand why my Debian Sid install decided to hose itself with the upgrade to Grub 2 and my internet connection has to conveniently face connection difficulties just when I need to do the net install.
..talking of sweeping for bugs
..I have to check our meeting rooms for bugs now - this stuff is too close to the mark! ;-)
I think you may have meant 'medium-sized stripey-faced mustalids'
most satisfactory otherwise though.
the ending was worth all the Maths... but now my head hurts.
Why use the generator?
What happened to the coincidently faulty argon based fire suppressant
TY, thats the best BOFH I've read in a while.
Have to say I was hoping for more from the PFY here
> stuffing them in lead-lined drums, encasing the drums
> in cement and dropping them in the North Sea.
"You didn't... wait... so THAT'S why you took the missus to the seaside..."
Ahh, it's all so clear now.
N= IQ x BS^2 x IQ x bS^S
I used to think I was surrounded by idiots.
After I was a little older and a little wiser - I *knew* I was surrounded by idots.
Today I have an mathamatical equasion that explains it.
How this helps me in the future, I have no idea-
Other than knowing that I'll still be surrounded by idiots.
- Analysis Oh no, Joe: WinPhone users already griping over 8.1 mega-update
- Leaked pics show EMBIGGENED iPhone 6 screen
- Opportunity selfie: Martian winds have given the spunky ol' rover a spring cleaning
- OK, we get the message, Microsoft: Windows Defender splats 1000s of WinXP, Server 2k3 PCs
- Episode 4 BOFH: Oh DO tell us what you think. *CLICK*