Scientists in America have warned of a new threat to society, posed by a generation of middle-aged drug-addled monkeys with poor impulse control due to being exposed to cocaine in the womb 15 years ago. In the words of a searing announcement issued today by the Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center: Adult male monkeys …
Coming to the pub for a quick pint lads?
"Womb-coked simians in banana-pellet munchies frenzy"
There's creativity, and then there's drunken babble. I think the juries still out on exactly which side of the line this headline falls.
used to have a craving for the smell of petrol when i was busily gestating. this study explains soooo much! thank you ElReg, you have shed a glimmer of light on why i like to imbibe long chain hydrocarbons.
I Love the smell of a 955 in the morning, son!.. smells like... breakfast.
That is so funny,
why didnt i get into research, i would have loved to be on this team.
can you imagine having a session with monkeys... (ok so thats mostly what you do),
but real monkeys man.... awesome.
i wonder if newer research incorporates the crap quality of coke these days into their trials.
'the monkeys on the Shit coke, tore both levers of the wall in a fit of rage.... no banana pellets for them, and they settled down as they had nothing better to do with their time..."
I call this for a band name
Pregnant Monkeys on Crack - great name
What's politically correct mean?
So it seems to me that the monkeys using crack in the US are having male children with no impulse control, and we get to see about it every night on the news. This seems to be a simple confirmation of already known facts.
The google ad on this is priceless
Google ad on this article:
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I want to know where all these research projects get there shit from?
Is there like an official 'Dealer' for research projects, if so where the hell does he live and what's his mobile number?
oh yeah, fantastically funny NOT
Yes, isn't it wonderful being cruel to animals for no apparent reason?
This is what gives science a bad name.
RE: Inquirying minds
It's the State Department. Where do you think all the "confiscated" imported by the CIA goes so it stays out of the normal Police shnoz?
Penguin - big nose (so that's why Linux is so fast!)
Well there we go...
Legalize crack. Fortify it with birth control. Sounds like a solution to me.
"Hellraising young monkey-about-town years" is just a gem. The author deserves a free round at the pub tonight. And crikey... it's Lewis Page whippin' out the can of funny! Good for him.
Seriously, it's REALLY interesting that it had an effect only on the males, though.
Hmm, you would think it would be obvious that inhaling burning vegetation into your lungs with much attendant coughing etc etc was going to be bad for you too, but its still taken 400 years and umpteen dead animals to convince a reasonable percentage of the human race..
[not disgusted with the reg, just felt the tombstone was appropriate...
So how do you suggest we find out exactly what kind of damage drug abuse does to foetuses so that it can be counteracted and they might get a chance to live a normal life? Or should they simply be damned forever for the sins of their mothers? Quite medieval line of thought there...
Cruelty to animals
@Matt89 - free coke, and being fed at the push of a button. Sounds terrible.
"had no patience or impulse control whatsoever"
Seems to apply just as well to most drivers on the M25 in the morning.
Research industry pandering to zero patience/ ADHD?
Plz also note that the monkeys generally don't have industries either growing out of these traits (videogames, maybe?) or pandering to them ("get it now!"), whereas human apes would seem to be getting rewarded for bad behaviour as long as someone, somewhere is willing to tolerate/ encourage it in order to make a buck. (Yes, a constant stream of banana pellets would also seem to reinforce non- patience, but this is only one activity whereas most human apes are buffetted from all sides by adverts/ marketing/ "culture"/ ad nauseum.)
What I want to know is...
...what tax form do you have to fill in to get "Cocaine that we gave to some monkeys" written off as a legitimate business expense ?
What a Party
I can imagine it now:
laser lights, sparkling disco ball, loud music and female monkeys in sexy red skirts, high heel shoes and lipstick boogieing around their handbags with a few pimping scientist passing them coke. No wonder they dressed it up as a research project.
Do you think PG tips have the footage?
Laughing my head off...
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