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back to article Japanese algorithm 'can tell if you're about to die'

Apparently respectable programmers in Japan claim to have developed an algorithm which can tell, merely by listening to a person briefly, whether or not they are about to die. The revolutionary doomsniffer software was developed by Kenji Ohshige and a crack team of boffins at the Yokohama City University. It was developed not, …

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Sounds great until...

someone makes the phone call for the dying person, and the medics take their time because the person who made the call sounded just great!

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Resource Management

Caller: "I need an ambulance!!"

Operator: "Computer says no." <cough>

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Unhappy

Argh!

I've only got fiv

<No carrier>

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Coat

Good News Everyone!

Didnt the esteemed Professor Farnsworth invent a death clock in the year 3000?

Next they will invent the finger-longer and put remote control manufacturers out of business!

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Joke

who needs an algorithm

when you have the famous last words:

"watch this!"

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: who needs an algorithm

See also: "I'll be right back". And women who have been told by James Bond that he loves them. Etc.

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Triage

Does that mean they might not bother sending out the ambulance and just send out the hearse instead?

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Heart

How to get help fast

Everything you need to know in order to get that ambulance to you first. Includes breathing exercises and phrases guaranteed to make it sound like you're dieing.

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WTF?

Lame.

Coincidentally, I've just finished writing a program that can tell if you're about to snort with derision.

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Dead Vulture

Re: who needs an algorithm

Anyone you've never seen before on a TV series (redshirts - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Redshirt_(character) )

Anyone who muses on about their 'gal back home' in a war movie

Anyone who lives in Midsomer or Holby

Doomed.

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Heart

Well.....

Does it only work if you speak Japanese?

It would be nice to have a bedside unit. You could talk to it each morning and then decide whether to get out of bed or not.

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Go

Great idea

But only as an indicator - last girl I had to call an ambulanbce for (would have survived for a good while, but that's not relevant) was finding breathing sufficiently difficlut that she couldn't phone.

The "this isn't the patient" button on the operators screen would be useful.

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Anonymous Coward

Gauntlet did it years ago

Something along the lines of

IF health < 20 THEN

"Wizard... is about to die!"

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Dead Vulture

Re: who needs an algorithm

Anyone associated with a family member of Jessica Fletcher.

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Pint

sounds easy...

"merely by listening to a person briefly"

caller : "I've been shot in the head"

computer : 90% death likelihood

caller : "I've had an accident with my trousers zipper"

computer : sniggers 5% death

Odds could be further refined by asking the simple question. "Are you about to die?" then analysing the bried 'yes/no' response.

Humanity saved, pints all round!

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Bronze badge
Unhappy

Wish NSN had seen that...

Seems that Nokia Networks and Siemens could've used that, rather than pissing about with Viterbi algorithms...Should've listened for the approaching ambulance siren instead.

http://www.rethink-wireless.com/article.asp?article_id=2042&pg=1

Then I might still have had a job. Bugger.

-Seymour Bybus (Old Nokian's will know that monicker).

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Paris Hilton

Its a Paris ....

Begin "Hello World"

If X = NHS Patient

then "Goodbye World"

End Prog

Only Paris get excited about a stiff !

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Silver badge
Coat

"Merely listening"

"correlating such factors from the calls as "breathing status" and "consciousness level" with the eventual result of the call - for instance, was the caller then found dead or dying by responding paramedics, or were they comparatively frisky."

So... if you're consiousness and breathing, chances are good. If you're unconscious and not breathing, renew your life insurance sharpish. Awesome breakthrough that is.

Doesn't sound too hard, I could knock that up in a couple of IF statements :)

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Anonymous Coward

re: Who needs an algorithm

See also person in opening scenes of CSI, Casualty...

For the (unfortunate) corollary, see Kim Bauer (annoying child, oh-so-frequent-kidnap-victim and inexplicably a CTU agent) in 24

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It's easy!

If not breathing, person is either dead now or soon will be. Job done.

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NHS?

Wait, I thought, when the US conservatives were criticizing the NHS, that you Brits defended it mightily. You mean it's NOT a little slice of heaven on earth? Just like you had been saying for decades?

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Joke

"There's an app for that!"

How long until someone markets this as an app for the iPhone? Speak to your iPhone once a day to find out if today's the day!

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Alert

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr....!

<Alert! this person is about to die>

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Does it take into account?

Being a Star Trek security guard who's never been seen before but is joining the landing party?

Being the young soldier in the platoon with the picture of his bride to be/soon to give birth wife that he shows around the night before the big battle?

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Pint

DethKlok!

Nathan Explosion is a God!

All kneel and praise DethKlok!

( Look them up in WikI. )

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Bugger Bognor

Famous last words of a past British monarch. Can they now be computed correctly?

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@ Richard 102

No, it's not a slice of heaven on earth. Obviously, as you're *really fucking ill*, being in hospital is shit. It's just being in hospital then not being bankrupt afterwards is lots better than being, well, American. See?

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Happy

And also

2 more days to retirement and just bought a boat

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Silver badge
Joke

yeoman johnson

>Being a Star Trek security guard who's never been seen before but is joining the landing party?

As Eddie Murphy (honestly he used to be hillarious kids before he started making 2 hour long kids toilet humor movies) says, "Bones, Spock, come with me. Yeoman Johnson you go that way by yourself down the dark spooky path." Boy this economy has me and many others feeling like Yeoman Johnson these days.

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Happy

I believe efficiency is increased...

...if you say things such as, "OMG! I'm about to--" and then cut the line in a dramatic fashion. But I think that might just be a software Enhancement Request as Development won't be sure whether you're coming or going! Oh, I slay myself!

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Silver badge
Coat

Some classics

"Here, hold my beer, I wanna try something!"

"Let me show you what happened."

"Nah, I've done this dozens of times, it's safe."

"No need for all of that safety gear, it'll only take me a minute."

"Take the hammer, I'll hold the spike, and when I nod my head, you hit it!"

"Don't worry, they just say "Don't try this at home" for legal reasons."

Coat, because I'm out the door when I hear one of these from somebody.

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From the full report

"If the estimated life threat risk was higher than 10%, the triage form categorized patients

into A+ (the probability that the patient faced a risk of dying was very high), and an

ambulance, a fast response car, and a fire engine were dispatched."

And yet none of the questions they asked was "Are you on fire?"

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Silver badge

So they are trying to detect if you're going to die

And what, pray tell, is the use of such a tool ?

If I phone for help, I want it pretty damn sharp whether or not I'm going to die.

Up to now I have only had to phone for help twice - once for my mother, once for my daughter. In both cases, I was counting on the ambulance getting there as fast as humanly possible.

In both cases, the computer would have indicated that I'm not about to die. Would the ambulance have been slowed down by that ?

"Hey guys, you gotta get to this address, but take it easy, the victim's not dying, she's just in terrible pain."

"Gotcha Joe, I'll finish my coffee and be on my way."

No thanks, really. I prefer the method without death detection.

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Joke

@Gilbert Wham

"It's just being in hospital then not being bankrupt afterwards is lots better than being, well, American. See?"

They are incapable of seeing. In their sad little bizarro uiniverse, see, not being able to pay means deserving to die. Make no mistake this is completely acceptable and moral to the sorry fucks, mainly because their definition of rationality is so sorely abberant, like all extremists.

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wsm

Purpose?

I, too, question the purpose of this "tool." Is it so a dispatcher can so "No rush, they'll be dead by the time you get there?"

Maybe it's so they can determine candidates for terminal hold, like the tech support for major hardware vendors do.

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100% Accuracy

I have developed a new system which can do the same as the japanese on but with a much higher degree of accuracy. It's essentially a voice recognition programme which looks for the phrases:

"Help i've just been stabbed"

"I wonder if that snake was poisonous"

"The house is on fire and i'm trapped under a beam"

and the all time favorite

"what bus?"

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@Password

and don't forget "Hey, y'all- watch this!"

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