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back to article Society bible lectures students on etiquette

As another crop of 18-year-olds heads to college for the first time, University towns across the land are bracing themselves for the bacchanalian orgy known as freshers' week. Thankfully, any parents worried that their nearest and dearest are going to fall prey to the Rugby Club's front row or end up flogging copies of Socialist …

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Advice

Drink, fall down. Repeat daily for three years.

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Flame

Here's some advice for the new crop of Freshers:

Come staggering drunk down my road at 3am on a week night shouting your heads off, and I WILL have a super-soaker full of iced water ready for you.

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Welcome

Two necessary thing sto bring when moving in:

Tea and bacon.

Tea so you can offer people a cuppa as they move in.

Bacon so you can do bacon sarnies for breakfast as they realise that none of them brought any food.

The people on your floor will be friends for life after that.

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Silver badge

The easiest of tasks to waste time and no great effort on.

"Yes, yes, but how can I lose my virginity?" ...... €50 to an Amsterdam hooker is a certain guarantee, and there are bound to be similar readily available deals in almost every town. You could always advertise though and get done for free.

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Black Helicopters

Advice for geeks

Number 1 tip for Computer Science students who want to get laid: don't admit to studying Computer Science. If you must retain some honesty, spice it up by calling it Digital Espionage and pretending you're going to be a spy. Then make your watch explode.

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Advice ?

Here's my advice to young people these days :

PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP !!!!

And get your bloody hair cut.

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Happy

The happy days of youth

Takes me back.

I don't think I'd quite enjoy it in these times. Worry on how to pay £25K debt back when you leave, plus saving for a pension, if you can get a decent ( or any job ) when you do, would put a bit of a damper on things. Mind you; Student Union Bars are there to drown one's sorrows, live for today ! It's probably the last chance you'll get.

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I'd recommend...

...not heckling a comedian and being made to get up on stage and sing eidelweiss.

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Coat

Alternatively

The lazy, long-haired, work-shy layabouts should get a bloomin' job and stop pranny-ing about trying to be all intill.. intele..int.. clever and snooty at bleedin' universities!

A good flippin' dose of National Service is what these slack-dogs need, and no mistake!

Mines the one with the copy of 'How To Survive In Post-War Britain' in the pocket.

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Pint

Pace yourself...

Don't get drunker than everyone else earlier than everyone else at the "meet the other guys from your halls" party during the start of term. You won't remember a thing, but everyone else will and you won't be able to make eye contact with half the people you pass in the corridors for the next two months.

That was a tough and regrettable lesson that my friend went through in his first week at university. My friend that is. Not me. Definitely not me.

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The way it is.

"...Operate an open door policy when you move into your halls...."

Which will guarantee that you surface from last night's heavy drinking sesh to find you, your bed and all other furniture have been transported to and set out in the car-park and someone has detonated at least one foam fire-extinguisher in your now-empty room.

[for extra bastard-points, they'll have 'relocated' all your clothes too, leaving you to wander around looking for them while trying to conceal your nakedness with a pillow]

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Re: Advice for geeks

..."Then make your watch explode."

Do Apple make watches now too? ;-)

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Advice..

Always carry a bottle opener.

And if you're in halls always leave a set of clothes\coat to hand when you go to bed. That way you won't be stood outside in just your boxers in the middle of winter, when the inevitable humourous 2 AM fire alarm goes off. Also allows you be a "perfect gent" to that girl from 3 floors up who's stood round in just pj's.

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Heart

carry the essentials to every party

a lighter (doubles as a bottle opener in the right hands), long rizzlas, baccy, weed and a bottle of jagermeister.

other pearls of wisdom:

wash your bed sheets, hedonism leaves stains.

ALWAYS have an array of tea in your room. at miniumum earl grey + tetleys. green will help with the hippies.

avoid people who mention the bible in a positive context. they're boring (and won't sleep with you).

nobody cares what a-levels you have, they're trying to make conversation, humour them, but steer away from results.

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Coffee/keyboard

@Billy 8

"Do Apple make watches now too? ;-)"

! Love it - when can I expect my new keyboard?!?

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Pint

Fresher's advice:

You don't HAVE to drink continuously and copiously.

I do drink quite happily myself, but I find it intensely irritating when people ASSUME that students have to get drunk constantly. It's putting unneccessary social pressure on young minds who may be experiencing alcohol in unlimited quantities for the first time.

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Pint

Blow

1) Keep an eye on the people you share your gear with, cause if they don't bring their own drugs, well, it's just rude... And don't do it in return! People are watching for that...

2) And if they are a bit shifty but you're still dying for a joint, more baccy, less weed so they don't smoke all your stash when they look at you with pleading eyes and you have to pass...

3) Oh, and if you want to get laid, a packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, and about £50 in cool hard cash should get you the ride in any impoverished student bar going...

4) Don't talk about how amazing it is where you come from all the time - everyone is from somewhere...

5) Find a geek to copy notes off when you are hung over...

6) Don't hook up with "the love of your life" (The first girl to touch your cock) - and forget the whole "friends" thing - there are so many women there, don't bother trying to screw the one who isn't interested in you. Just get her mate drunk instead.

7) Find out what the cool people are wearing and copy them shamelessly. People will assume you are cool too.

8) If you hate your liver, join the hockey/rugby teams. OK, so you might be 3rd reserve for the 4th team, but you'll never be short of people to drink with.

9) One last thing - do Drama, or Dance or something - 49 birds to every bloke... OK, so you won't get a job after but it'll be the best 3 years of your life... You'll probably end up as a journalist...

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@Gordon is not a Moron

As a corrolary to your fire alarm story: if you're going to experiment with your sexuality in your first year remember that there will be a fire alarm and whoever you're experimenting with will be seen leaving your room (I wasn't experimenting, I was the subject).

Oh, and make friends with people with bar experience. They will end up getting a bar job at one of the bars you frequent and will give you cheap/free drinks. Just make sure it's not the first question you ask. Also don't offend the cleaner - they see everything (*everything*). And if you're in M block D&R, Liverpool be aware that large cable drums do not fit through the door - it has been tried, it failed, and it took the wing-mirrors off an ambulance in attendance.

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Alert

Get drunk but not that drunk

If everyone else gets more wasted than you then they tend to be more suseptible to suggestions (yes sex is an obvious one) along the lines of "see that guy over there you should put imac on his eyebrows" or "see if you can do a 6litre bucket bong" and then watch them go green to the amusement of others. Bonus if you can find a mate that enojys the same past time as you as well :)

Yes I was blamed by many of my uni mates for corrupting them, thankfully none of them named me when speaking of this to their parents.

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Socialable Skills !!

Go to pub......get drunk.......come back to dorms and have hilarious idea of setting off fire alarms.

Make sure no one see's you as everyone is dragged out of their beds.....or other peoples beds....to traipse outside for the third time that night. Definitely make sure the Fire Brigade don't find out who you are !!!!

Important instructions for certain (still never discovered) muppets at Southampton Institute (now called Solent University I believe) grrrrrrrrrr

Or my favourite......

Don't bother buying food. Spend it on booze. Then when you are hungry steal everyone elses. Especially their milk.........until they put loads of laxative in the carton (with a note saying there is laxative in their mind) and learn an important lesson...............remember to buy new underwear !!! :D

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Unhappy

@Michael Chester

That's just soooo last Millenium. Now it's:

Tea: So that some right-on git can act all smug while berating you for purchasing a product responsible for slavery and propping up the capitalist exploitation of the third world to this day.

Bacon: So you get to wake up covered in manure with the lock on your door glued shut courtesy of the local branch of Leaf Munching Animal Rights Nazis Who Hate Everyone.

It's not a sad world, it's just got a lot of sad people in it.

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Joke

@Dan 7

Wow, you really enjoyed university didn't you - I bet you were the life and soul of every single party.

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Be the IT bod

Figure out the halls wifi/network connection and the offer your help for free to others. That'll make you lots of friends straight away, and you won't have to hide your geeky ways either.

Do make friends with your cleaners. I learnt all sorts of gossip from them.

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No thank you LuMan

Getting drunk and losing your virginity during your first week of national service is not everyone's cup of; ethically sourced, caffeine free, herbal tea.

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I forgot the most important bit!

Free barbecues, toastie delivery services or anything involving free food full stop (outside of freshers' fair) are not random acts of kindness - it is the God squad attempting to reel in vulnerable prey. Try to avoid at all costs unless you're a hardened Atheist and are able to have a sensible argument with these people (hint: this, whilst seeming like it should be possible, is in fact impossible - you may spout perfect logic and sense but they claim to carry the word of God)

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Anonymous Coward

Freshers week to them...

... "fuck a fresher' week to everyone else.

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Boffin

An old fogey's viewpoint on certain things

@ Billy 8:

"Do Apple make watches now too? ;-) "

Already done, back in the 1990s or thereabouts - e.g. Apple's old Think Different watches which ran backwards (counterclockwise, opposite of a normal watch).

http://www.welovemacs.com/alogoww.html

@ Joe Fay:

"If you've got any other advice for the younger generation, you know where to stick it."

Yes, and quality employers know where to stick things, too.

No wonder that some high-paying employers often prefer to hire foreigners who take their work and schooling more seriously - not taking it FOR GRANTED wasting their parents' (or whoever's) money on college, expecting freebie handouts from everyone they meet - instead of screwing around and goofing off all the time and wasting time/energy on pointless mating-fest rituals, err, I mean, parties (sorry 'bout the run-on sentence and bad grammar - in a hurry). Aside from the obvious reasons that foreigners will work for lower wages, but that's *not* the only reason that companies like them.

Misc. note: *truly* sexy people can get laid whenever/wherever they want, without the involvement of any alcohol or drugs - only lamers need parties/drugs/etc to pick up chicks or be cool.

More unasked-for advice for the aforementioned "younger generation":

Just remember this: Life isn't much fun if you have NO JOB and NO MONEY... repeat, NO MONEY.

Unless you're planning on a career as a professional leech/golddigger/gigolo who gets sugar-mamas to pay all your bills until she/they get tired of you after you've sired 18 ugly mutant sprog that you expect someone *else* to support. ("What, ME, pay to support my own kids? Why would I want to do that, are you crazy?")

So, go ahead and party. You'll end up on Jerry Springer someday and the rest of us can laugh at you for being a loser. Enjoy.

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don't forget sweet & sour

When it's time to try to impress with your culinary abilities, nothing beats the student's sweet & sour 2:1:1 (by volume) ketchup, vinegar, redcurrant jelly. You won't get better.

Also, buy expensive pesto from M&S and cheap pasta from Aldi. Dowse the latter liberally in the former before serving and enjoy the resulting bjs.

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Happy

deling with the $Deity Squad

Just in case, make sure you have a pocket bible at hand, bookmarked at the more salient passages of King Solomon's Song of Songs.

When confronted with one of the prettier squad members (yes there are), read aloud the passage of your choice with as much verve as you can muster (practice for effect).

If done well, results can be quite spectacular. My last victim developed a blush that must have reached right down to her knickers by the time I was done, though I didn't have the opportunity to check...

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Find a reliable dealer

You are away from home (probably) for the first time. You have no idea who you can score reasonably priced quality weed from. Your first task is to ingratiate yourself with the other pot heads around you (ie: in almost every room) and find out who gets the best weed. Become friends and make friends with their dealer.

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How do I lose my virginity?

Virginities are like expensive laptops. All the freshers have got one, all the local scrotes are after them and so those who get wasted in the bar and don't lock their dorm doors find they're gone in the morning. So get one of those Kensington security cables, and don't forget to write your postcode on it in UV marker.

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Pint

Top tips

Every club wants you to join. All of them want your money, and it looks *so* practical to join them all. Resist the temptation. In between drinking and the odd bit of coursework, you're not going to do half of what you thought you would, and the money you splashed on those is money you can't otherwise spend on booze.

For another tip, SU bars always serve "seconds" beer which the breweries flog cheap because it didn't pass their standards for selling to proper pubs, and it's always kept incredibly badly. Learn which beers survive this and remain drinkable. Murphys is a good bet (if they have it), and Guinness usually survives fairly well too. Both these have the extra advantage that you can't neck them quite as fast as ratpiss lager, so nights out are a little cheaper.

Learn to play guitar before you go there - start age 16 and you'll be in good shape when you get there. Being able to rattle out "Wonderwall" or some solid blues guitar is worth a ton of streetcred, even if you do happen to be a geek. And "Vincent" or similar mellow folky stuff goes down well with the girls.

Oh, and on the drink-assisted sex front, if you're a bloke then don't drink too much - it'll just go wrong. If you're a girl, you can get any bloke you want if you ask nicely, so that's not a problem.

And an open-door policy is great, but lock your door at night, especially after a drinking sesh. It's harder for your mates to do embarrassing things to you. Also lock your window if you're on the ground floor or your window is otherwise accessible (above a flat roof/drainpipe) - drunk mates can be very enterprising.

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Coffee/keyboard

Ahhh Uni...

@ Dr Patrick J R Harkin (21st September 2009 10:31 GMT)

- that might just be the funniest thing ive read today.

@A C (19th September 2009 06:00 GMT)

- thanks for the INFORMATIVE post, was your uni chess team days not up to much then?

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