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back to article Custard Creams can kill: Official

A disturbing probe into the potential for apparently innocent biscuits' ability to do harm has revealed that an astounding 25 million Brits have been injured while indulging in some light coffee/tea break snack action, with 500 victims requiring hospital treatment. That's according to research outfit Mindlab International, which …

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Silver badge

So that's why they're called "Nice"

So "Nice" refers to their comparative safety, not their flavour, which let’s face it is a bit rank. Thanks MindLab!

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Boffin

Jaffa Cakes!!!!

The emphasis on cakes here. They went to a lot of trouble to prove they were not biscuits for VAT reasons so there should be a separate Most Dangerous Cakes list.

Goggles for all those so mindbogglingly dense they can poke an eye out with a biscuit.

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Welcome

Run for the hills...!

Looks like they overlooked the threat that is the new generation of biscuit-loving zombie; babies! We see them, every day, getting brainwashed by mind-controlling Farley's Rusks. Their dependancies on twice-baked cakery being ever more ingrained into their young, impressionable (and, ultimately, programmable) minds. Biscuits are taking over the world and using the doe-eyed charms of infants to woo us into a false sense of security. Just wait until the Lizard Army figure it out. It'll be one hell of a fight.

I for one welcome....etc.....<yawn>

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Smoking

Reduce the danger, have a ciggie to kill the hunger pangs.

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2 things

1) "Those of you who like sucking a Ginger Nut" Pfffft! Brilliant!

2) I thought that HobNobs were the SAS of biscuits?

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WTF?

So the real Q is...

How many Brits does it take to eat a biscuit SAFELY?

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Flame

Just plain wrong!

Jaffa Cakes aren't Biscuits!!!

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FAIL

Jaffa Cakes

Jaffa Cakes are cakes, not biscuits

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Bronze badge

In other news....

Marketing stunt survey picked up as genuine news story.

PR companie's tricks remain effective.

Register readers disillusioned at lack of sceptical criticism

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Boffin

Jaffa Cake not a biscuit!

There was an extensive court case between HMCE and McVities that ruled a Jaffa Cake is indeed a cake (and therefore not subject to VAT). McVities argued that biscuits are normally expected to go soft when stale, and cakes would normally go hard. A Jaffa Cake goes hard when stale.

It's this sort of shoddy report writing that's ruining the country! Think of the children!

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Coat

Jaffa Cakes

How can this be taken seriously when they make the school boy error of classifying a cake as a biscuit.

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Anonymous Coward

hmm

I hope this was a jokey bit of research...

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FAIL

Statistics, good statistics and outright lies.

I really don't believe these numbers. I seriously doubt a third of britons actually dunk biscuits on a regular basis any more, far less that a third of the population has been seriously scalded in the act of doing so.

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Sweet Surrender to the Sticky Morsel and Mighty Crumbs

Lester,

I'll have to get out more as I read every last word of that report and thought it admirable. :-)

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Happy

Best breaktime 'treat' I know of...

Sucking (hot) tea through a Peng^H^H^H certain choc-covered biscuit snack - heaven! (courtesy of my youngest sister-in-law)

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Thumb Up

Carrots cause wrinkles then death...

100% of all carrot eaters eventually die.

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Outrageous

Absolutely outrageous, that really takes the biscuit.

How on earth can responsible manufacturers be allowed to marked such products without being forced to include a healthwarning covering at least a third of the packaging.?

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Thumb Up

At last

a bootnotes story relevant to IT

I have a few questions.

Foxes crunch creams OK?

Need a link to the paper to check methodology.

I only eat biscuits when I drink tea - is that safer?

Can we access the raw data to check their calculations, or shall I just reproduce the study in the office over next couple weeks?

Have I been asleep, it's not 1st April anywhere in the world?

Mmmm dangerous biscuits.

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Gates Horns

Crumbs!

Biscuits are that dangerous? Dayum. Gives a whole new meaning to the term "tea break."

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Coat

Crumbs!

That is all...

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Headmaster

Valuable research!

Seriously...someone paid for this research???? I'm in the wrong line of work...

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Finally, Science!

Good work, Science, this is exactly the kind of information we need to make decisions in our daily lives.

I feel vindicated in my choice of gingernuts and jaffa cakes as my biscuits of choice, although I suppose in the interests of threat mitigation we should all be nomming as many custard creams as possible in an attempt to eradicate this threat once and for all.

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Boffin

Poked themselves in the eye?

I mean seriously WTF? Will all biscuits now come with protective goggles?

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Coffee/keyboard

Jaffa Cakes

Good to see that Mindlab included Jaffa Cakes for comparison. Although technically, they are a cake, not a biscuit. Maybe that is why they are least dangerous!

I suppose, if you poked yourself in the eye with one, it might be quite dire all the same. I'm not sure whether I find it hard to believe that a THIRD of Brits are forgetful of the location of their mouth?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: In other news....

PR company may have shot self in foot since more readers are likely to think "Ooh I quite fancy a Jaffa Cake" rather than the brand in question which most will have overlooked.

Register reader reads clearly frivolous item, complains.

Million billion commentards point out that the Jaffa Cake is a cake not a biscuit by law.

Moderatrix wonders if it's too early to start on the bourbon.

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Excellent

More! More! This is the kind of useful and informative reporting that the Reg should be bringing us all the time.

Hurrah for number crunching boffins!

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Coffee/keyboard

Good stuff.

"an equal percentage have poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit."

Just: how?!

Good thing I wasn't actually taking a drink when I read that. My attempt to conceal chortling drew enough funny looks from colleagues.

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Anonymous Coward

25 million?

25 million people have had biscuit injuries, or the same 1 million people having 25 each?

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@Sarah Bee

It's never too early to start on the bourbon

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Pint

@ Sarah

"Moderatrix wonders if it's too early to start on the bourbon."

I'm sorry, there is such a time as "too early for bourbon"? Have a bottle of Old Huckleberry 101 on me. Best drunk in pints.

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@Sarah Bee

It's never too early to start on the bourbon. Especially if you stay on-topic and make it bourbon creams.

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Grenade

DARPA

Have just launched a project to develop the worlds deadliest baked snack for immediate deployment in armed conflict.

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Coffee/keyboard

Best Headline ever...

Superb article and great headline...

Although don't want the H&S people to see this otherwise they'll force a Local Workstation/Desk Assessment for potential Health & Safety risks.

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Stop

Statistically reliable...?

I'm wondering if this isn't just the order of popularity of said biscuits. I mean, the more we eat, the more likely we'll have an accident. Custard Creams are probably the most popular workplace/social club "tea break" biscuit because they come in massive great packs of 40, 80, 100 or more for pennies, whereas the Jaffa Cake is fairly expensive and comes in packs of 12 or 15.

Cookies are really two different things -- they're the "new doughnut" in that you can get the big chewy onesas a special Friday treat from the baker's, Millie's or Marks & Sparks, but there's also the very different crunchy ones that come in packets that aren't really any more expensive than things like Hob-Nobs. These little crunchy ones also come in the big tins or tubs containing a selection.

Oh, what's in these "Family Favourites" boxes? Quite often the following:

Custard Cream, Cookie, Wafer, Bourbon, Oat Biscuit, Digestive, Shortbread, Nice Biscuit, Chocolate Finger, Sandwich Cream (plain+chocolate coated), Jam Shortbread Sandwich (jam ring, Jammy Dodger, Happy Face)

Did they account for this? The data to hand strongly suggests that they didn't....

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Anonymous Coward

Using Home Office Statistics

.... 100 rapists were interviewed and asked if they had dunked custard creams. An astonishing 99% of them said yes, giving clear and unequivocal proof that custard cream dunking is the cause of rape!

"The dangers of custard creams cannot be underestimated", said a government spokeswoman, in response we have decided that possession of custard creams will be a criminal offense from midnight.

Said McVities "This is ridiculous, custard creams hurt no one!". However victims are coming forward claiming, that indeed, they were raped by a custard cream dunker and demanding compensation from evil McVities via their lawyers, Claims Direct.

Chief Inspector rozzer of CEOP added that "custard creams are often given to children by adults so how can McVities deny their role in this!?"

"In some cases, victims are given custard creams as a child, they grow up, marry, continue dunking custard creams all their lives, and the Stockholm syndrome means they never realize they are biscuit abusers! They go on to have children of their own, and give them custard creams for dunking too! Even Garibaldis! The cycle of abuse continues and it must be broken! Anyone who disagrees with me is a secret dunker!"

A new test is to be introduced for vanilla in the blood stream coupled to compulsory CCTV in supermarket biscuit isles. Only specially authorized people will be allowed to buy biscuits, and a new use for Biometric ID cards will be to ensure nobody gets biscuits who isn't specially authorized.

A new TV advert will be shown "the police can tell if you've been dunking biscuits from your eyes", cut to a woman who had obviously been dunking and has a dreaming expression on her face.

If this does not work, we'll introduced "conspiracy to aid and abet dunking" laws soon, announces a Nulabour, spokewoman.

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@Sarah Bee

"Moderatrix wonders if it's too early to start on the bourbon."

Well, the risk rating for the bourbon is 3.44, so do you feel lucky?

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Pint

@Sarah

"Moderatrix wonders if it's too early to start on the bourbon."

Well as my Argentine wife keeps calling them Burbon's I guess you might be ok for a quick single......oh hell make it a double and do me one too ;)

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Joke

and what is the government doing!!!

The government should legislate this menace from our work place what is health and safety for ???

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Black Helicopters

This is why we need ID cards

This is the most telling piece of evidence yet for us all to be numbered and fitted with suitable devices to control our intake of dangerous terror biscuits. Remember how we were so casual in our approach to this danger that we used to eat biscuits on aircraft? Thankfully the ID cards will prevent such irresponsible behaviour in future.

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Coat

@Sarah Bee

Help yourself to a Bourbon - it's only a Penguin without the chocolate coating, after all!

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Anonymous Coward

Attack of the killer Biccies?

"The most extreme example of biscuit-related mishap, however, was the case of the man who got stuck in wet concrete after wading in to retrieve a stray biccy."

Really? I'd swear that I saw that in a commercial, somewhere.

I'd probably a good idea if the government never fins out about this research. They'd slap a prohibition on biscuits if they knew.

It seems strange, though, that while they talk about banning certain types of kitchen knives, and pen knives, and even restricting the sale over the counter pain killers in case peple try to kill themselves with them, and certain hair care products in case terrorists boil about a million gallons of it to make a bomb, yet they still allow cigarettes to be sold even though they are proved to kill thousands of people every year.

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Happy

Research

If you get stuck in concrete retrieving a biscuit, is this dilemma caused by the biscuit, the concrete or stupidity?

Where do I apply for funding to find an answer to this question?

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But...

...where's the comparative research on dunkability???

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Black Helicopters

Wrong MindLab

Looks like the research was done by The MindLab.org (http://themindlab.org/index.html), not Mindlab International who are a totally different organisation who are more to do with educational boardgames.

Nothing about this on their website. Can't find anything on the Fox's website (who make Rocky) nor the Northern Foods website. So who put out this press release?

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WTF?

Translation please

What on earth is a "common-or-garden Cookie" ??

The rest of this reads like a UK-source item, so what is that all about?

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Joke

WTF?

"three per cent have fallen off a chair reaching for vital nourishment"

A question for English native speakers: Does "vital nourishment" mean "a bottle of whiskey"? If that's the case, my trust in this study goes up several degrees (from 0ºK to - 270 ºC :)

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Anonymous Coward

"PR companie's tricks remain effective."

"PR companie's tricks remain effective."

But do they?

<pedant>

The fake survey got plenty of press coverage, but presumably the intention was to get coverage for Fox's Rocky bars. Now, either Rocky bars are no longer made by Fox's, or Fox's have failed abysmally to get their name in the media. Most people reading the article won't even know that it's an advert for Rocky bars, they'll still be unaware that Rocky bars exist (it reads as though the *company*, not the *product*, is called Rocky).

<pedant/>

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Pint

@ Sarah Bee

In India, Bourbon is a chocolate cream biscuit marketed by Britannia. Ties in very nicely with this article.

OTOH, I do agree with Phil Underwood. Never too early to start on the real bourbon.

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Anonymous Coward

I lost a ooth on a custard cream..

It was a milk tooth though. And I didn't get my 50p.

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Unhappy

What about risk compensation?

Now we know the most dangerous biscuits, I'd expect people to treat them with more care and respect. This will, of course, lead to fewer biscuit-related injuries for those biscuit types, and thus they will no longer be so dangerous.

I now fully expect to see Jaffa Cakes being eaten without any thought to safety, quickly leading to overloaded A&E departments in all hospitals, house price rises and further economic meltdown.

This sort of information should not be given to the public!!

[PS. no-one seems to have mentioned that Jaffa cakes are officially cakes, not biscuits. doh!]

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