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back to article Hollywood prepares to battle Asteroids

Universal Studios is preparing to bring Atari video game Asteroids to the big screen, despite the fact that the classic offers "no story line or fancy world-building mythology", as the Hollywood Reporter puts it. Screen grab of the original Asteroids The studio, lacking the kind of supplied narrative which made Lara Croft: …

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Paris Hilton

Shirley you jest

>It will, wait for it, "create a plot from scratch" - stop that crazy talk since between 'The Last Starfighter' and 'Impact' Hollywood has more than enough source material to draw on.

Also like the idea of the bizarre Wii fit accident - I suspect you are a Spinal Tap fan Lester.

pew pew, rotate, thrust.

Whereas for PH it's 'thrust, thrust' then 'pew, pew'

ttfn

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Coffee/keyboard

Please - no more

I know it is a Friday and this is the way of Friday stories but I only have one spare keyboard left after reading the suggested cast-list and synopsis.

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FAIL

Soundtrack?

So will it all be set to a cheesy pop soundtrack with pointless dance routines then?

Can I be the first to name the large asteroid that's doing the most threatening Emma?

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Is this not...

Is this not a Futurama plot but with Asteroids instead of Space Invaders?

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El Reg plot

They could incorporate Ender's Game into El Reg's suggested plot, just to really hack off some sci-fi fans

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Coffee/keyboard

Oh my...

New Icons and possibly another Hollywood Flop about Asteroids...

New keyboard please... because the last one got burnt from the menacing asteroids!!!

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Grenade

Interactive Asteroids

Are you sure this isn't for that 'interactive pre-movie game' there was a prior article about.. where the crowd must wave their hands around like lunatics to avoid ... asteroids ?

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Paris Hilton

I'll be waiting for the Pac-Man movie

...and its sequel, Ms Pac-Man. Then, of course, the summer release of Space Invaders, Galaxian and Dig Dug rounding off with the multi-award winning, 3-movie saga of Lunar Lander.

Paris, 'cause of her groundbreaking dramatic work in The Hottie and the Nottie.

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FAIL

LOL!!!!

Cominf to a cinema near you - Tetris: The Movie!

Please save us all....

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Pint

I foresee...

A cross between The Last Starfighter and Rugrats Go W^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Armageddon. Where's the Asteroids icon?

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Remind me of

80s film called "The Last Starfighter"

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Alien

Dark Star

Sounds vaguely like a remake of Dark Star, but probably without the brilliant talking bomb and beachball with claws. Probably with less beards too.

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g e
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Crikey

Almost as bizarre as ASCAP bending people over for their ringtones.

But not quite...

I like your plotline. Could we also add human-unfriendly aliens, who, once the hoomans save one of their few remaining hive ships from asteroidal collision befriend humanity, setting aside their differences, in a 'Why can't we all just get along' and 'World Peace' type subtextual parable for the world to ingest?

(Ingest then promptly vomit...)

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Tetris

Anyone seen the fake trailer for the Tetris film on youtube? It is rather good and sums up this kind of idea perfectly.

Hollywood always does this. e.g. take the title of a book "i,Robot" and make a film that has nothing to do with it. "Asteroids" is no different.

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This post has been deleted by its author

WTF?

Astef*ckingroids?

You're making this up, admit it!

Even Hollywood wouldn't stoop as low as -er wait a minute. OK I believe you now.

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Coat

Cuba Gooding Jnr Should have a bigger part

see title

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Coffee/keyboard

Standard format for a Hollywood action film.

Spend half an hour setting up the plot, in this case "Insert coin"

Then two hours of "Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew!"

You won't be able to pick it out from the other crop of action films these days.

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Go

@ Soundtrack?

More to the point, will it have a training montage?

Gotta have a montage....

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Pint

The plot actually works

I can see it and it works. Completely wrong however. Wrong on every possible level.

What next, a plot about Tetris and menacing blocks that once arranged in a line explode devastating cities.

Or terrorists threaten the world with mine sweeper???????

Holly wood has gone nuts.

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Titanic Quarter Master Pilot Plottings.

Lester,

I think you will find that Holywood, and not Hollywood, is the Universal Centre for Imaginative Space Scripting nowadays.

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The scene everyone will remember...

"Missile launched sir, the impending menace of the asteroid will soon be gone!"

...

*BOOM!* (or the equivalent of a missile hitting an asteroid in space)

"Ohmigosh, the asteroid split up into smaller asteroids, we're doomed!!!"

*panning view of lots of very scared military faces*

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Joke

Only you can save mankind

An evil alien monkey race, having already wiped out the ancient space invader civilisation now threatens to destroy the intergalactic nature reserve that is the asteroid belt.....

Perhaps they will get away with it because TP won't remember it was his book.

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Coat

More great film ideas

It's about time hollywood took a look at making a big budget film based on draughts. Or possibly Ludo.

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re:P Saunders Posted Friday 3rd July 2009 10:35 GMT

rounding off with the multi-award winning, 3-movie saga of Lunar Lander.

Lets hope they use the proper lunder lander program that just had a text read out of thruster setting, speed and height.

"Thats one small slip on the thruster key, one giant hole in the moon"

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FAIL

What about Joust??!?

Or even Chucky Egg...

Now the Joust one could be fun - then again it would probably come out something like a Knights Tale but without Heath Ledger....

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What about Defender?

Surely that has far more plot potential (not that I can think of one atm) than asteroids?

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Game tie-it?

Do you think they'll make an Asteroids game to tie-in with the movie?

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I suggest Frogger: The Movie

Bruce Willis, in a frog costume, jumping backwards and forwards, across a busy road. It's got to be done.

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Coat

Nice pitch

Like that plot outline, except that's the plot from The Last Starfighter isn't it ?

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What about....

There's the little flying saucers to think about.

Plus the horrendous problems of how to handle the physics of "circular space"

so that everything that flies off in one direction comes back in from the other side.

Hmm.... They won't need to shell out for colour film though.

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(Written by Reg staff)

@Martin 49

Circular space?

Just Einstein's General Theory on a 12in(?) CRT

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Coat

re: Cuba Gooding Jnr Should have a bigger part

I heard that his small part is *why* they nicknamed him "Junior".

*ba-dumf-tisshhhh*

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Defender...

Oh, wait. That was the x files. Nobody mentioned the filum 'Meteor' (RIP Karl Malden) yet?

/The one with the DVD of 'On the Waterfront' in the pocket.

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WTF?

Oh FFS!

Hollywood wonders why piracy is so high! Does anyone in Hollywood have a) any originality anymore b) any balls to take a chance on a new idea?

Tell you what how about these?

Horace Goes Skiing - Brad Pitt plays the plucky little fluff-ball trying to errm, well ski I suppose!

Ant Attack - Brad Pitt plays the plucky hero trying to avoid, well the ants attacking I suppose!

Roland on The Ropes - Jude Law beefs up in his role as the plucky rope climbing hero.

Lunar Jetman - Val Kilmer ( he'll be in a space suit so we won't have to look at his face! ) comes out of retirement to play the plucky hero destined to bounce across the moon surface!

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Nic Cage on line one...

...apparently he's up for the lead role in my musical remake of 'Pong' also starring the late Peter Lorre as the evil 'bat on the right'.

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Coming soon

I thought they were taking the piss with this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs

But it seems Hollywood has gone one better.

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Rasterized projectors

Please...

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Go

Torrent!

I'll look forward to downloading this off ThePirateB........ oh, wait... no!

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Alien

Yet they don't make the obvious ones...

...like Half Life, Crysis, Bioshock, Starcraft, etc.

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Hmm

Look on the bright side.....at least there won't be a plot for Hollywood to ruin.....

Michael Bay is the perfect choice for it, as we can go to the cinema, be wowed by the special effects for 30 seconds and spend the next 110 minutes or so wondering what we could have got for our money if we hadn't wasted it on going to see one of his films.

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More video games ripe for movie versions

DigDug - (Already done as Tremors?)

Bubble Bobble

Mr Do (this would be a classic)

Centipede/Millpede

Star Wars.....Oh, has that one already been done? Bet the film isn't as good as the game

Dragons Lair/Space Ace. Not too much work needed there I guess.

Phoenix

Defender (with the best opening musical note of any game)

Ah, the joys of proper games....thank god for Mame.

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WTF?

Surely they've missed a trick?

Asteroids: It has no plot whatsoever, it consists entirely of lots of shooting and big things exploding.

And they didn't give this to Michael Bay?

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What title?

Manic Miner FTW!

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Paris Hilton

Balls for the Register .... which could please Ms Bee and the Ladies.

Does anyone else here think that El Reg and El Regers could Seed a Series of Movies with an IT Base of Allied XXXXSScripts.

And when a Thought Shared is Supported, is IT Squared rather than Doubled and thus is Exponential Growth the Natural Norm of even the Simplest of IT Programs, putting them very soon way out in Front ....... and Leading Everything.

Wanna Play AI Beta Great Game, El Reg, .....with the Banks Footing the Bill/Funding ITs Projects?

Which is a Perfectly Crazy Offer Ideally Suited to a Boozy Friday Afternoon at the Bar Office....... and when one Considers the Number of Inventions which have been Born of Liquid Alcoholic Refreshment, it would be no Stealthy Surprise to Many or Any, should IT be a BlockBuster MegaMetaData Success.

One could even Tempt Paris and the Hilton Chain Gang into the Plot and IT ...... for Businesses are always looking to Diversify and Hedge their Bets.

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re:

Search youtube (at work and such luxuries are not avalible to me) for the fake Minesweeper movie trailer. its brilliant!

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Seriously??

Hollywood will "create a plot from scratch"?

Please tell me there will be a film crew present to record this unprecedented event.

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@The Fuzzy Wotnot

"Roland on The Ropes - Jude Law beefs up in his role as the plucky rope climbing hero."

-Surely that would be a horror/slasher movie, what with the killer bats, followed by ghosts and later vampires. Come to think of it, it shouldn't have Jude Law - it should be Wesley 'Duane Dibley' Snipes...

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Might as well have

Jean-Claude Van Damme in the lead and a title of "Ah, Steroids"

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WTF?

Huh?!

I can't wait to buy the film sound track. DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, powowowowowowowowow, DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, powowowowowowowowow

Classic. I have 3 albums already.

Wow Hollywood, what next, Tetris parts 1, 2 and 3, the revenge of falling blocks.

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