Feeds

back to article Boffins: Gigantic crustacean sperm is 'viable strategy'

A crack team of international boffins has uncovered startling facts about certain species of crustaceans which produce sperm ten times as long as their own bodies. If human males produced such "giant sperm", according to the scientists, the result would be tadpole-esque horrors 17 metres long. Renate Matzke-Karasz, of the Ludwig …

COMMENTS

This topic is closed for new posts.
Paris Hilton

IImagine the best orgasm you've ever had. . .

and then you squeeze out 17 metre long tadpoles.

Talk about inside out. ..

Paris because. .

0
0

I know I shouldn't ask

Seriously, how does that work? The, er, geometry doesn't work. How does a large thing get out of a small thing, and into another small thing?

0
0

Nice choice of words....

... did you hire the Inq's funny writer?

0
0
Unhappy

With my luck...

...mine would turn against me and start eating me...

0
0
Happy

New Keyboard please

'Jumbo-jizz experts had thought that perhaps the crustacean colosso-spunk phenomenon was of recent origin' and 'spunkoarchaeologists '.

Thanks Lewis, just the ticket for a Friday.

0
0
Silver badge

17m

Imagine the socks your average Reg commenter would need!

0
0

What?...

Why would?... how would? ... eh?

0
0
Bronze badge

golly

They must be buying from the online pharmacies that keep spamming me.

0
0
Thumb Up

Love it!!

"She and her fellow jumbo-jizz experts "

I bet some of her colleagues entered the field solely because one day they knew someone would refer to them as that!

0
0

"evolutionarily successful reproduction strategy"

So size really *does* matter?

0
0

But really

from an evolutionary point of view - you grow up and decrease in size ? Imagine how small you'd be if you made it to old age ?

I think they've got the sperm from some other species (maybe a giant crab) who died nearby these other creatures.

0
0

Hmmm.

How big's the egg?

0
0
Silver badge

Im with kiddy kipper

"spunkoarchaeologists " has got to be the word of the day surely.

0
0

Wanktastic

You could take you eye out if one of those hit you.

How come giant paper towels did not evolve in response to this?

0
0
Anonymous Coward

There was something about this on QI once

giant sperm and stuff.

http://www.freewebs.com/qitranscripts/304.htm

Erm, anyway, what's quite interesting about the sperm of the fruit fly?

[Viewscreens: Three very close-up pictures of a fruit fly.]

Alexander

Smells of guava. [shrugs imperiously]

Alan

The thing is, Xander actually knows that.

Alexander

Yeah. I know.

Stephen

Fruit fly spunk. What can we say about it?

Alan

They don't have it. They don't have any of it.

Stephen

They cer— . . . by God, they do.

Alan

Do they.

John

It is the most fecund sperm.

Jeremy

Do parsnips taste nice in it?

Stephen

I'm afraid I'm . . . It's size. I'm just going to add size. It's the largest sperm of any living thing.

[Viewscreens: The fruit flies' "mouths" suddenly are superimposed with smiling, ruby red lips.]

Stephen

If uncoiled, it's twenty times as long as its own body. It's 5.8 centimeters long, one sperm. I'm not talking about . . . Its seminal fluid--

Jeremy

5.8 centimetres?

Stephen

Yeah, 5.8 centimetres. A human sperm is naught-point-naught-five millimetres.

John

So you don't think "tadpole"; think "Loch Ness Monster".

Stephen

It really is. Absolutely gigantic.

Alan

You could probably get one as a pet, couldn't you?

Stephen

Yeah. Well over 1000 times longer than a human sperm.

Alan

[mimes painfully ejaculating a giant sperm]

Jeremy

[uses hands to indicate a giant sperm landing on the table with a loud thunk]

Stephen

Oh, dear . . .

0
0
Joke

@Bill Fresher

The egg's really, really tiny but, get this, there's BILLIONS of them...

Hang on...

Is it circle-with-arrow for girl and circle-with-cross for boy, or the other way round?

0
0

A small technical question

I hope this is the right place to ask. Just how does one see (as opposed to "see" and ""see"") things with "synchrotron X-ray holotomography"? You see, I've got one, or something quite a lot like it. It cost an arm and a leg, but I've only ever found it good for navel gazing.

0
0
Happy

synchrotron X-ray holotomography

I wanna be a "synchrotron X-ray holotomographer"

It would be hell down the pub every weekend explaining I look at little things in xray mode

Might be a good pick up line though!

Girl: Hi what do you do then?

Me: I'm a synchrotron X-ray holotomographer

Girl: Whats that?

Me: Follow me I'll have to show you

Girl: OK, it's a bit dark in here?

Me: OK, now hold this I'm gonna do some synchrotron X-ray holotomography

Girl: Do I have to hold it for long?

What fun I'd have

0
0
Paris Hilton

@Filippo

> Seriously, how does that work? The, er, geometry doesn't work. How does a large thing get out of a small thing, and into another small thing?

Think of a party popper inserted in...

...or maybe not.

0
0
Silver badge
IT Angle

@Bill Fresher

Are you sure that's a joke? I was wondering whether it might be a mobile egg and stay-at-home sperm in an unusual biogical role reversal. For real.

Have they worked out yet what is the biological advantage of male / female bimorphism?There are only a few species in which all are hermaphrodite and capable of reproducing sexually with any other member of their species. I would have thought that was an evolutionary advantage, but obviously it can't be.

0
0
Thumb Up

"spunkoarchaeologists"

Ok I need a new monitor.

Friday for sure it seems.

0
0
IT Angle

I for one

welcome our.......

Er. What's the adjective that means sperm-like?

0
0
Gold badge
Alert

spunkoarchaeologists

I refuse to believe *any* university offers this degree.

0
0
Joke

@Luther Blissett

... Then obviously you can tell if your navel lint is 20x larger than normal size, 'natch!

0
0
Paris Hilton

Eraserhead

Eraserhead anyone?

0
0
Silver badge

A small (not-so-)technical answer

«Just how does one see (as opposed to "see" and ""see"") things with "synchrotron X-ray holotomography"?»

Erm. By looking at the attached monitor. Word of the street is, results are improved if you keep your eyes open.

A bit like, you know, how you see things with an electron microscope, an echograph or any piece of medical imagery equipement, a scanning confocal microscope, a giant telescope, ...

0
0

Here it comes

Gulp.

0
0

@NukEvil

Have you had trouble with your sperm trying to eat you in the past?

0
0
Silver badge

Time for another Reg Unit

Distance from earth to moon = 22 588 235.3 gigasperms

0
0
Coat

@James 55

"Have you had trouble with your sperm trying to eat you in the past?"

I believe it's called "Spermicide".

0
0
Thumb Up

Sex Fridays

Hmmm, sex on Fridays. None of this other weekday nonsense. That's what Pron-o-Net is for...

0
0
Anonymous Coward

spunkoarchaeologists

I'm sure paleospunkologists would have been better.

0
0
Dex
Joke

So this is....

....wher the Scary Movie sketch "cums" from...although somehow i think she'd go THROUGH the ceiling, not get stuck to it

0
0
Anonymous Coward

How does it work

I belive the sperm it very.. VERY long but also very very thin and is "coiled" up before launch and coils up when delivered as well.

0
0
Gold badge
Coat

Re: spunkoarcheologists

Personally, I reckon "Paleojismologists" sounds better.

0
0
Troll

it's all about relative dimension in space

"How does a large thing get out of a small thing, and into another small thing?"

Not familiar with Dr Who, are we?

Dah-dah-daa, da-dah da-daa,

booba de-boom, da booba da-boom, da booba da-boom, da booba da-boom . . .

0
0
This topic is closed for new posts.