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back to article Swine flu apocalypse: Batten down the hatches

The world is this week mobilising to battle the mutated H1N1 "swine flu" virus which, having caused a suspected 103 deaths in Mexico, is now reported to have spread to the US, Canada and Europe - in the process pulling off the improbable feat of knocking Jade Goody (RIP, princess) from the front pages of panic-stricken UK …

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Joke

But it gets worse...

The swine flu has now mutated and combined with the Bird flu virus.

It's now called the Flying Pig flu! (Hey was I the first to say that on here?)

Flying pig flu, what a very suitable name for all those scare stories we are going to have to endure for weeks on end now until the media realises this isn't the apocalypse after all, once again.

Also I suspect a few weeks from now after all their scare mongering they will be telling *US* not to panic!

Then they can get back to droning on about Carbon footprints and rising sea levels.

*Yawn!*

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will be the most senior member of management

And so let the board room blood bath begin. At least I'l be locked in the server room while the knives/staple removers are out.

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Joke

Traditional Cure....

...Smoked or unsmoked?

I know... I know.....

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Happy

Brilliant...

...that should get me through Monday afternoon :)

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Stop

i thought we'd all died of bird flu?

about a year ago the bbc were in full scaremonger mode with a panic about a swan in aberdeen with a slight cough.

this 'lethal' virus didn't seem to make it past hadrians wall though, so we're safe in our beds again.

have a quick look at the bbc 'have your say' forum and nobody gives a toss, we're actually more bothered about our taxes going up, so calm down bbc.

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Coat

Porktect and survive...

(sorry)

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Twelve monkeys

Yes - I saw the above documentary, shame they got it a bit wrong and it was pigs rather than monkeys, still maybe there was a copyright issue or something.

Still waiting to be selected for our companies 'survival of the human species'(tm) programme, I'm sure they will let me know which server room/lurv pad to attend any time now.

still waiting....

ttfn

PH - can you imagine a world 're-built' courtesy of PH ???

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Stop

I trust...

..the El Reg have a cron job that will delete this story in the unlikely event that zombie pig apocalypse *does* come to pass - otherwise, it'll be carved on the concrete sarcophagus erected over the site of the offices, as at terrible warning to us all.

As Carl Sagan pointed out, they may have laughed at Edison or Einstein, but they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Then again,... 10:1 it's pure media hype fed by panicky pseudo-science types at flaky organisations like the WHO, the CDC and so forth. If they're right, we're all gonna die and it's TEOCAWKI. If they're wrong, the rational thing is to claim so now, so that after the event we say "See? told you so."

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Stop

I'm going to sit in my nuclear bunker

As obviously it is now the end of mankind and it's every person for themselves

Not

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Stop

the sun has the full gory details:

yes folks, exclusive news, their headline is 'Hell in the hospitals as swine flu hits UK'.

but fear not, read down the story and you find:

'No cases of swine flu, the new human strain of a virus usually associated with pigs, have been confirmed in Britain. '

and:

'Six people in CANADA were confirmed as having “very mild” cases of swine flu.'

yes, very mild. and:

'In NEW ZEALAND, of 19 students, 13 of them almost certainly had the virus'

yes, almost certainly.

and:

'in ISRAEL ..Tomer Vagim is in a hospital....showing suspicious symptoms.'

yes, suspicious.

oh, and worryingly:

'four more tourists were undergoing tests in FRANCE'

yes 4.

it's so bad that 2 people in scotland are in hospital:

'suffering “flu-like symptoms”, yes, 2.

and that businessman from Northamptonshire has now been cleared surprisingly, it's

'very good news' he said.

thank god that:

'Our authorities are gearing into action' otherwise we'd be totally fucked!

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Haha

...I needed a good laugh after last week's shit-storm at work!

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Bronze badge
Alien

I for once...

@Simon

I welcome our new Flying Pig flu overlords.

What was again the requisite to be one of those alpha males?

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5 should be

"Stay calm and carry on" which is a craze sweeping everywhere :-)

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Alert

Vegetablists

i love the responses that the vegetaraians are giving in some discussions e.g. beeb news some are saying it serves us carnivours right, others say they will be immune

epic lolz is all i say

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Anonymous Coward

If it were to spread here it really is no laughing matter

It's very unlikely this will reach worrying levels here, but at the moment it has 5% lethality which is not to be sneezed at (sorry). Even if it just put people on their back for a week, with the infection rate so high it'd be enough to cause real, serious problems for our health systems.

However, my new favourite phrase is definitely 'pork cordon'.

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Black Helicopters

Let me get this straight

This is virus associated with pigs that has spread to humans.

So logically the place to be safe would be somewhere where pigs are a big no-no.

Errrm....

So the middle east then....

Oh...

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Stop

*sigh*

Loving the "track the outbreak" map on Sky:

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Interactive-Graphics/Swine-Flu-Map

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Stop

cruel and unusual punishment

Instant coffee for two weeks.

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From Jade Goody to swine flu:

Lester, have you managed to avoid the whole Susan Boyle saga? How?

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Paris Hilton

@ Florence 1252H.

I probably won't be the first to say it - but who is Susan Boyle?

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Coat

Oh good lord

That map on Sky is ridiculous! UK is at threat level yellow! Click on it and you find that there are a couple of Scots with a cold.

This is why i don't read the news anymore, nothing left but the scaremongering.

LOL'd at the article though.

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Silver badge

Look on the bright side

The 1918 - 19 pandemic was preceded five to six months earlier by a similar disease which had a relatively low mortality in humans but was extremely dangerous to pigs.

There's still plenty of time to panic.

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Not just The Sun

You might expect that of the Currant Bun, but one would hope for better from the Beeb, who are declaring that worldwide deaths could be as many as 220 million (or as low as 220, but we won't mention that). Their World at One (Radio4) featured a virus 'expert' who declared that the infection "will either plateau out or it will increase dramatically".

No shit, Sherlock.

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Coat

Today's news, tomorrow's toilet paper

Although it looks like someone has already jumped the gun judging by the Current Bun's illustration at the top of their article...

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Happy

Locked in

with no Register to read !

I'll go mad ............... and no 0ne will notice.

ALF

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Flu2.0 mashup

http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?hl=en&gl=us&ie=UTF8&view=map&msa=0&msid=106484775090296685271.0004681a37b713f6b5950&z=3

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Coat

Good Line

"Hey love this here mobile phone has a swine flu tester embedded in it and it says that you have caught the diease, please read this articles in the Daily Fail and realise you are about to drop dead from it and a quicky in the alley maybe your last chance (satifaction not guaranteed)."

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Silver badge

There's only one solution

Bacon butties all round.

No pigs, no pig flu.

Pass the Branston please, and put the kettle on....

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Anonymous Coward

All we need now

All we need now is an unseasonal breakout of regular flu. Combined with the forces of the Daily Mail, that should be enough to bring the UK to a stand still - and probably most of Western Europe.

Latest news on the Sun is that someone in Manchester has a sniffle - in fact I myself have used three mansized tissues (to blow my nose) whilst typing this.

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Anonymous Coward

senior member of management

Here's hoping for a male board to comply with Lester's rules.

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Anonymous Coward

A re-write for item 5

I suggest a re-write for items #5 on the list - it should read as the most important 2 words in English literature.. "Don't Panic"...

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Coat

Sars 2.0

As I remember Hong Kong was alot of fun during the Sars crisis. I was treated like a king being the only tourist there, courtesy of global fear. There wasn't a single daily mail reader in site, it was heavenly.

Might book a flight to Mexico to order bacon sarnies and tequila.

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Pirate

over 100 dead!!

Call me when it is over 100 Million.

Even if it takes out 1/3 of humanity there is likely still twice as many people left as the planet can sustain.

I scored two whole loaves of bread left over and abandoned in the storeroom from last Friday's work BBQ so I am well-supplied for the coming apocalypse.

(Okay, it is 1:35 in the morning here and I am tired but can't sleep :-/)

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But is it worse then..

Manflu?

Had it last week...

Must have been that bacon sarnie.....

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Coat

I can only assume that El Reg is taking it's own advice

ANd Packed all the Reg ladies off to a secure location. since appearantly you can be infected via PC i can only guess the lovely Miss Bee isn't able to moderate our comments form this location so who is ????

AC just incase Sarah doesn't see the funny side.

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: I can only assume that El Reg is taking it's own advice

I can still see your name, you boob.

However, I'm not offended because frankly I'm not entirely sure what you're on about.

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Happy

@Simon

"It's now called the Flying Pig flu!"

Thanks. I now have a mission. If *anyone* mentions this swine flu to me in the next couple of weeks in passing, I now know what to say. "You mean the pig flu that has avian and human components as well?" "Yes, I have heard they are calling it the Flying Pig flu!"

You are now "they", Simon.

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At last, the voice of reason!

Thanks, El Reg, for finally adding some sense to this whole sorry saga.

Can I have a new keyboard, please?

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Re: Re: I can only assume that El Reg is taking it's own advice

>However, I'm not offended because frankly I'm not entirely sure what you're on about.

He's just being a suck up, he doesn't know if you're lovely or not, just taking the opportunity to say it (but you're flattered as you call him a boob, which is a cute name), I however know what you look like and still think you fit the parameters of "lovely", maybe a bit old for me 'tho, thirty something.....? (does 0 could as something?).

ps. H1N1 will never kill people in large numbers, it's the H2 strains that you have to watch out for, if that jumps to mammals (leucine at 226) we're fucked.

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Coat

Item 5

"Keep Calm, and Carry On" surely?

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Coat

Re: i thought we'd all died of bird flu?

"about a year ago the bbc were in full scaremonger mode with a panic about a swan in aberdeen with a slight cough."

"A swan in Aberdeen with a slight cough" - a textbook Blackadder-ism if ever there was one. Sir, I salute you! :-)

Mine's the one with "Cunning Plans for Dummies" in the pocket.

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Pirate

and back in 1976

it was http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weils_Disease that we were all going to die from .

I (my 8 year old brain at the time) remember this was apparently because of the drought the streams were drying up making the rats piss more potent, and we were ALL GOING TO DIE !

Ahh well I'm gonna die eventually, I for one don't expect to be breathing in 2059, and it might just be porky-might-flew that got me. At present at least I've had another 33 years, since 1976.

Just think , if we kill 3500 people on Britain's roads every year, on average 67 have snuffed it in the last week alone, and out of the 110,000 per year smoking related deaths well somewhere around 2100 have snuffed it in the last week. What's the Daily Mail got to say about those ?

On the subject of smokers, maybe they should volunteer to be guinea-swine for flu-vacines, since they obviously don't give a stuff about their health, they could at least be useful to the rest of us non and ex smokers whilst they bugger up their lungs.

and finally here's to Death sweet Death, it will come and get us all in the end............

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I'm safe

title says it all

Boris

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Unhappy

Telephone cleaners

Ack! See what happens when the telephone cleaners are all shipped off-world? :-(

Dave

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Coat

IT'S NOT FUNNY !!!

I've caught it and now I'm going to have to spend eight weeks off work in quarantine and no one will be allowed anywhere near me. I'm being taken to a safe place for my own and everyone else's protections.

Mine's the one with the sun tan lotion in the pocket.

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Joke

South park reference...

Flying pig flu ?!?!

no !!

It has aspects of pig, bird AND human flu there fore its....

*drumroll*

It's ManBirdPig !!... flu

Only Al Gore can save us now !

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"Flying Pig Flu"

I fell out of my farkin' chair ...LOL!

I nominate Simon as the thread winner!

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Coat

Possibly pedantic petulance

"Protect key staff by ... or ... whichever comes soonest."

Er, 'whichever comes sooner'?

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Anonymous Coward

one to watch out for

I18N--it jumps borders easily.

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Anonymous Coward

But wait there's more

recession in full swing, civil unrest on the rise, now a bit of flu, then we get the mother of all solar flares.

Ever get the feeling that the guys and gals upstairs are a little annoyed with how this planet is working out?

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