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back to article LG fu**ed off with swearing

LG has launched a website where customers can submit their weird and wacky ideas for futuristic TV features, such as a telly that replaces swear words with baby laughter. Can't see the video? Download Flash Player from Adobe.com A spokeswoman at LG told Register Hardware that its LGenius website is a portal where “customers …

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Anonymous Coward

someone!

Someone give that woman a pie right now! Jesus.

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Illegal in the UK surely?

Assuming this inserts baby effects into hardcore porn I can't see Brown et al letting this go without a two year sentence.

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Flame

Fuck off to your language filter

That is all.

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Profanity filter? Old news!

The "TV Guardian" set-top box would monitor the closed-caption text and mute the audio (and replace the text) when naughty words were spoken.

But I did love the basket-o-kittens option.

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Coat

Best TV ideas

WT(heeheehee)? (Not that ever need such language.) My favorite TV idea is no ads, so that three CSI/Law&Orders in a row would be two hours long rather than three. Second best idea is no red spot. Third best is no ticker-tape at the bottom of the news. That one ties with getting rid of the big red 'Breaking News!' label which translates as 'News!'

Have we coats for dinosaurs?

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Program filters

A good feature would be a TV with a program filter that prevented the screening of any shows with the word 'celebrity' in the title, or any shows where Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd Webber pick the next 'star' of some shit musical. Basically anything that involves a vote of some description.

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How about

A TV that replaces the mutterings of politicians with the truth.

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Coat

What I want on a TV...

...is a box that turns itself off when there's nothing worth watching. Hold on: why don't I just not bother turning it *on*?

<coat with smashed remote in pocket>

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I hope this is a joke

I really hope this is a joke because it is the funniest thing I have seen in ages! Is it April 1st already!

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Pirate

Arse credits my friend, are Turkish Gold.

I stopped watching broadcast TV a few years ago. When a new show that I want to watch is aired I'll just download it via torrent and watch it at my own leisure. That way there are no advert breaks and I can pause and rewind at will.

In fact, the only time the television is actually showing something broadcast is when my 2 year old wants to watch CBeebies (which is probably the best BBC channel there is anyway!)

Right, I gotta go. Space Pirates is on.

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Anonymous Coward

...or a TV that.....

wolf-whistles when soft-porn comes on the TV, or flashes the word "TWAT" whenever Gordon Brown appears.....

I'd suggest something else for Wacki-Jacqui but I don't think they've invented a swear-word good enough yet.

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I want

A TV that automatically turns the volume down when the adverts come on!

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Anonymous Coward

A TV without

I want a TV without a daft, annoying, pointless logo in the top corner of the screen.

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Gotta be kidding

What are they doing about the brain pollution of modern day TV filled with glorified violence. Profanity is pretty much harmless. How about focusing on the real issue and making TV family orientated like it used to be. Shock and Awe television is out of control. Thankfully there are actually TV stations that provide good family entertainment like TVLAND. Something of focus. Try watching a televison program that entertains. When was the last time you were entertained?

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Joke

@someone!

Only a pie? Damn I say we get together a fund raiser to get her a whole damn cow. Ill donate a fiver whos in?

@adnim

Would that mean we wouldnt hear a word they say then? Cause if so Im all for it. . .

Or better yet how about one that gives the politician an ever increasing electrical shock for each lie they tell in the same breath. PUBLIC EXECUTIONS ARE BACK BABY!!! (Hosted by Dick Vitale)

NOW THAT would be quality entertainment. Hell I would be afraid to turn the TV off incase I missed a shock.

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xjy
Paris Hilton

Interactivity

For double satisfaction - viewers have a chip sewn between their eyes that records all the ads seen. Every ad unreacted to by refusal to buy product would lead to punishment either fiscal or physical. Followed by a re-education programme using electro-stimulation Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In this way a company would get instant feedback on ad campaign impact, a viewer would be taught responsible viewing in comfort of her own living room, the economy would benefit from a huge upswing in consumption, and the little piggy-wiggies in government would get a preprocessed population to mobilize in the battle against terrorism and deviant social behaviour. Win-win. Implanting the chip would be a free-of-cost service included in every TV or mobile or GPS or fridge purchased. On a no-chip, no telly basis, in order to maximize popular participation, leverage the benefits, and allow the viewing public to be given offers they can't refuse.

Life's good!

(Paris cos she'd be given special dispensation to have the mind expander implanted between her thighs rather than her eyes, for reasons so obvious I don't have to go into them here...)

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Dream TV? Simple:

A TV that magically tunes in to shows from some other dimension where the TV isn't all shit.

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Silver badge

Features wanted:

A TV that can mute adverts - it's fecking annoying having to scramble for the remote to press mute when the adverts come on because they make the volume of them twice as loud as the programme you're watching though dynamic range compression. The bastards.

And a TV that can actually sense when you're asleep so it'll switch off, and when you go out of the room it turns the screen & circuitry that controls the screen completely off whilst leaving the audio on, so you save energy but can still hear what's happening when you nip into the kitchen for a snack/beer.

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Anonymous Coward

youtube vid

After seeing the first frame, I have not had the courage to watch it. I suspect it will cause permanent mental trauma.

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Silver badge

Hmm

Wouldn't a TV that replaces baby laughter with swearing be more interesting?

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More profanity plz

Can I have a tv mod that replaces irritating beeps with random profanities?

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For the greater good

Peas and rice!

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Fattyvision?

All you need is a 4:3 picture stretched out on a low height 16:9 screen.

As for daft, annoying pointless logos, why can't we have some software that detects them and automatically fills them in with whatever moves behind or surrounds them?

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Coat

Liked the keynote. Baby laughter very effective.

My ideal telly is a radio tuned to Radio 4. Ha. I win the curmudgeonly-old-fart race...

Seriously though. Half the decent shows on TV seem to have started out as radio shows (new series of "I've never seen Star Wars" and "Genius" on telly, FFS! The picture's entirely superfluous!) and the other half are on Cbeebies. Mr Tumble FTW.

The leather elbow patches, yes...

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Coat

The V-Chip

I want this V-chip out of my TV,

It has stunted its vocabulary...

(with apologies to Eric Cartman)

Mine's the one with the South Park DVD in the pocket.

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Isn't it a little close...

...to April 1st to take a story like this one seriously?

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Boffin

@ Haku et al: Overt Advert Audio Levelling Loop

Although the manner in which the modern telly is manufactured (tiny components with No Wires mass-soldered to the surface of the PC board) is not so very friendly to the notion, the appropriate circuitry can still be readily be modded up on any breadboard or discrete-component external amp. The external kit can then still be plugged straight into the headphone or A/V audio output jack on most telly boxes, I think. If not so for any given case, well, the ol' wire-cutters, jacket-strippers and soldering iron etc are still not too hard to find, even these days.

Here's how it works: The standard means of adjusting output volume, of course, is to adjust the strength of the audio detector's output siganl to the input of the first audio stage or all-in-one chip, depending. Whether this is done via an honest rotary-shaft carbon potentiometer or some wankily opaque multi-step digital pushbutton Flash Gordon scheme, the essence is the same in all cases.

Now let's instead provide the audio amp in question with an Audio Gain Normalization (AGN) negative feedback loop, similar to the Automatic Gain Control loop that maintains video quality. This loop runs from the loudspeaker output circuit back to the input of the signal amp that drives the output stage. An additional transistor may be needed to put the phase of the feedback signal to rights; one can work that out while the lid is off the box.

Then fix the audio input signal from the detector stage into the signal amp at the appropriate arbitrary level for normal programming (and not the commercial) audio. Hook the necessary variable volume control kit into the AGN line, though, and NOT the main signal line.

With such a scheme as this, the broadcasters' upping the audio modulation swing at the transmitter, which normally will blare the advert at increased volume, will then (due to the dynamically regulated *GAIN* of the new-built/modded circuitry) have zero effect.

Sort of re-levels the ol' Playing Field, hm? Set it and forget it. Share and enjoy! Works equally well for condom, beer, petrol and peckerpill adverts alike. Although maybe we should let the condom adverts boom on through...

Paris, because HER soft 'n' sultry voice'll make it through to the viewer every time. Until commercial break.

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@Haku - That's on it's way...

"...and when you go out of the room it turns the screen & circuitry that controls the screen completely off whilst leaving the audio on, so you save energy but can still hear what's happening when you nip into the kitchen for a snack/beer."

Sony's new Eco range of TV's has that feature as standard. Due out very shortly indeed (I woork in a Sony Centre - so I've seen them!)

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Go

LG: Peace on You Sheet for Brains

I wont by buying a Frakking LG. Those motherfrakkers go no place in my domain deciding for me what I see, what I smell, when I take a dump, what words I use or anything else. Bustards, must be demogacrates.

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Dead Vulture

@Gary

I'm the same -- apart form the CBeebies as I don't have any children.

I'll *ahem* acquire things that I want to watch and buy the good ones on DVD to help pay for more like them. If I _really_ feel the need to watch "live" TV I'll tune into tvcatchup or BBC iPlayer. Hard drive space, bandwidth and, if you like the show, DVDs are so cheap nowadays that there is always something to watch from teh internetz.

Surely broadcast TV's days are numbered?

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Anonymous Coward

No more

Kwik-Fit ads in Scandinavia then.

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Coat

Hi! I'm Barry Scott!

To fake-dub programs to make them like those Bruce Lee movies[1]. With sound effects[2]. My fave would be this type of thing though: Cillit Bang - Hardcore Mix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPONH2j4In8

[1] User programmable PTS offsets.

[2] Some hardcore object identification and motion tracking. Failing that just identify some fast moving blob and assign a sound to it based on blob area & colour.

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Re: More profanity plz

Christopher Martin> Can I have a tv mod that replaces irritating beeps with random profanities?

...that'd certainly make the test card interesting!

// showing my age again... :/

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Best youtube thumbnail ever.

Way to make a technology keynote clip look like a 3-way between pooh bear, he-man and the little mermaid. :D

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Joke

So at the first good grumble flick

This baby should go right up in smoke!

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re: James O'Brien

I love the politician shock therapy idea! I think I'd even buy about 5 or 6 extra TVs so that I could have them all over the house so I'd never miss a second of it. Even better I think the politicians should have the the shock devices hooked up to their genitalia for that extra bit of pain and in hopes that they won't be able to breed after. Though I'd hate to be the poor fellow that had to hook up Wacki Jacki.

For those in America, google search pictures of Jackie Smith UK MP.

Let the class action suit for mental trauma begin in 5,4,3....

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Pirate

Automatic Laugh Tracks

I want laugh tracks to start playing the moment any politician starts flapping his gums about anything.

A bullet proof screen would be nice for when the bastards start talking about global warming. Say something capable of successfully stopping a 9mm slug without too much damage to the screen would be nice.

GPS Positioning and automatic relocation, for those times when the President preempts the show I wanted to watch... But no... he has to come on and flap his gums about something he promised NOT to do but decides that he's going to do it anyways. That's when I usually get the urge to open the front door and throw the goddamn thing out the door. Hence it's ability to automatically reposition itself back in the entertainment center, with little or no assistance from me.

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wtf?

This is the most stupid thing I've seen in a long time. That pretty much guarantees it'll be mandated for use within a few years.

Trouble is, if I start watching a show in French about seals, it'll probably drive me batty within minutes.

They should just phoque off.

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Swear 'Beeps'

The annoying beeps and baby laughter are more annoying then the actual 'word.'

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Joke

Korean company offers basket of puppies with new TVs

Do you want fries with that?

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Go

Porn Button

Always used to think that porn button would be pretty good... you're watching the hot weather girl then press abutton and all her clothes fall off.. and it's too late coz you've seen everything.

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Coat

Goldie lookin chain reference

Am I just mad or does the fatty vision (right hand side picture) make it look like she has a penis? An erect one too, if pointing southward.

2nd coat of the night. It must be chilly.

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Don't understand

I don't understand this article.

It's not April the first, and there is nothing in the article body (or video) that directly implies it is a joke, but rather both take the idea seriously.

The video contents however, are technically impossibly and patently ridiculous.

Is this a joke video the author didn't get? Or is the article itself so deep, filled with extended irony, that it went over my head completly? (Probably the latter, I don't mind that, I'd just like to know)

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@Gary!

A man after my heart! Same thing here, haven't watched broadcast TV in years. It's the ads that get me wound up, I start throwing soft toys at the box if I have to sit through more than 30 secs of ads. Now a box that automatically removes the ads, those bloody annoying banners for "What's up next!" and something that automatically stitches the progs back together, so you get all three parts of a TV show in one go. It should have a registered list of celebutards so it will filter out anything with anyone from said list. I might just return to watching TV again.

Things went downhill when they started writing programs to fit 23 minutes, so the other 7 minutes can be used for ad space on commercial channels. I hate the British Broadcasting Communists but at least they have to make progs 29/58 mins long so you get your money's worth!

Dear TV exec, I am not an idiot. I can sit still for more than 90 mins and concentrate on something so please stop breaking the progs up with your stupid little money spinners. I download my TV progs from torrents, because I get all the above, with the exception of the banners, so tough luck you wasted time renting ad space.

"I don't know why we pay our TV licence."

"We don't!"

"What? That makes me a criminal. Right on! Occupying the refectory, so what! This is the real thing!"

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Stop

Flip you, LG

You bunch of mother funsters.

Yeah.

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Coat

@adnim

I've got that and I think that most other sets have it too. It's the little button on the remote that has a picture of a speaker with an "X" through it.

Press that and, hey presto, you only hear the true bits.

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More swearing please.

I want something that turns random adjectives into swear words please, with a dial that goes up to 11.

I might even bring myself to watch f*****g Barney.

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Flame

donkey raping shit eater

filter that you sonofabitch!

and wasnt this already a feature in grand theft auto 4 on the radio stations

twat-o-tron on standby

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Joke

@ Paul

'F***ing Barney'? Well I can't imagine there'd be too many other people that'd want to watch that particular programme either. I mean I know there's something for everyone in Pr0nland but that's a little weird don't you think?

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@Walking Turtle

I would just filter out repeated sounds/pictures, that way you only ever have to watch adverts, trailers and the other gumpf they put in between programs once.

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