A Scientology spokesman has confirmed that Scientologists believe that mankind's problems stem from brainwashed alien soul remnants created millions of years ago by genocidal alien overlord Xenu. The admission follows years of attempts to dismiss the story, first leaked by defectors, as anti-church propaganda. In an interview …
ZOMG WTF BBQ
We always knew it to be true. So they admit it now? Great. Wait till we got a load of chantards in here.
Bonkers, but hardly much more bonkers than most of the competing religions. I'm an atheist - I'm thus allowed to chortle at this sort of stuff. But anyone else out there who is not an atheist should suppress their sniggering and look at how their beliefs appear to me. Likely just as barking.
No more wacky than all that Jesus horse-pucky I was fed in school.
I didn't know that was even in dispute
Isn't it from one of his original stories?
Hubbard was an author, and decided it was be better to set up a religion rather than receiving a few cents on the word.
And he was sort of right, nowadays it is groups, and there is power in a group. That's is why this anonymous thing are not so different to the Scientologists. A lot of hollywood are in Scientology, and a lot of people are in Catholicism, quite a few pagans, a lot of Hindu, few into Jedi, then there are the agnostics, and the atheists, Mouslims, Republicans, Democrats it is just a shared belief forming a group.
Am I the first
to welcome our new genocidal alien overlord Xenu?
Couldn't you have warned us?!
"Scientologist doctrine suggests that exposure to the fantastical Xenu story before the completion of numerous preparatory stages might result in pneumonia or even death."
Oh that's just bloody great, if I get pneumonia or die I am so going to sue your arses....
for a given value of "True".
Who would win in a fight between Xenu and the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
All in the name of science of course!
I for one salue ...
... oh wait.
hai itz me
there is one thing the Co$ hasn't realized yet. Its me, I'm Xenu and I'm back. Sofar i helped write the apache webserver, parts of the Linux kernel and oh, remember the wine/water thingy. That was me too. How that got misrepresented in this other book is a whole different question as i was turning beer to piss at the pub around the corner from el regs office.
In other news...
Christians believe that a giant white dude with a beard created the universe in six days, that his son (who was born to a virgin) turned a tuna sandwich into food for 5000 people, and that he had the powers of Dr Manhattan regarding the whole water-wine thing.
Seriously... Stop wailing on religion. This is a Tech news website, not theology classes for 11 year olds.
" I believe in Father Christmas..."
I'm more of a Xinu fan...
...but then, I'm a computer nerd...
how can you scorn?
My imaginary friend is better than yours.
So I will fight you, discredit you theories and come up with my own.
My new religion will be called Branology*
It will cost you only $350 to reach BT3. And my only commandment is thou shalt not gamble because it's discretionary spending, the same as religious offerings.
*brane and bulk obviously, not the improvement of digestive transit
wait a min
Im grabbing a box of popcorn.
I am so going to enjoy this
.. science fiction author turned first rate con artist.
meh is al I can say.
AC as I'm supposed to be working.....
Established religions: made wacky through thousands of years of whispers, stories, plain faced bullshitting and indoctrination.
Scientology: one wackjob, one idea; some credulous fools buy it (literally) from the get-go.
It's nothing special, but that's not the big deal.
Alot of people will come out and say this story is not any weirder than some of the stories from other religions, and they are definitely right.
The real question is, why have top Scientologists always denied this story? Is there a reason they do not want people interested in Scientology to find out about this ? All the other religions don't seem to make a secret out of it.
I wish I had a dollar for everytime I saw a Scientologist deny this story.
And our survey says...
There's lots of historical evidence that Moses, Jesus and Muhammad etc. were real and great leaders of people, just like Joan of Arc, Ghandi, Martin Luther King etc. Jesus was, though, the son of Joseph and the *maiden* Mary - the original Hebrew of Isiah is very clear on that point AFAIR: the "Virgin Mary" nonesense was made up by Luke decades later.
All super-natural dieties are just figments of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's imagination of course.
Back to Scientology: this is excellent news. Now reporters all over can dig out vids of top Scientologiest denying Xenu and ask why lying is part of their religion :-)
I for one...
So the history of religion is a secret? is that so they can milk their poor saps for every penny?
Lets get things right. L Ron Hubbard was a fiction writer, and not a very good one either, which is why his writings make no sense (and therefore attract the looney element).
According to the Scientology lot, I have these problems. I like to think i dont, and i am more than happy with my existence, without resorting to listening to religious waffle of any kind.
I am now just waiting for mssr cruise and travola to kick my door down and give me a damn good auditing.....
All you faithless people, you're forwarding an agenda of hate...
Xenu, come get me, I'm waiting for the DC-8!
skull'n'bones because now we've heard this story, we're all for an untimely demise.
Evangelism blazes a trail...
given the social climate in the US over the last couple of decades is it any wonder this sort of stuff flourishes in a society which treats agnosticism/atheism as somehow aberrant.
"OK, fundamentalist Christianity hasn't worked out for me because I can't figger out why they totally ignore the words of Jesus but I have to believe in something otherwise I'm just a baby-killing liberal. Ooh this looks good - Scientology".
"anyone else out there who is not an atheist should suppress their sniggering and look at how their beliefs appear to me. Likely just as barking"
What I find curious is how atheists or agnostics consider themselves to be above others with a religious belief, which in itself is an ironic display of belonging to their own 'belief'.
Actually, I don't find it curious, more a pathetic illustration of how people still try to place themselves on rungs of importance.
Since I know El Reg and its readers are fond of descriptive terms like 'commentards, freetards' etc. I suggest one for Scientologists: thetards.
Mine's the one with the tinfoil hood...
Same old, same old.
"He then laid into KESQ reporter Nathan Baca, accusing him of "forwarding an agenda of hate"."
Interviews with COS seem to always breakdown into a tirade of accusations and anger... but I guess it's no different to the way most atheists seem to defend their belief.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - I consider myself agnostic, and this is the funniest thing I've seen in a LOOOONG time.
"brainwashed alien soul remnants"
It's all in the exegesis (as empirical evidence is patently lacking). Consider "brainwashed" - what exactly is/has been brainwashed - the "alien", the "soul", or the "remnants"? Do aliens have souls? Is a soul a manifold; if not, how can it have remanents? And so on.
And how many $cientologists can dance on a couch (in a TV studio in prime time)?
You see the truth is not so simple. To err is human, to really fubar things you need a computer. To spout total crap takes rare and humongous talent. (Which BTW is why the Jesuits used to grab it when it was 5).
Atheists don't have a belief *system*. There's a crucial difference - there's really no direct comparison to be made between organised religion and atheism which isn't organised in any real sense. It's a very wearying argument. To be honest it's no wonder atheists get a bit smug when people insist on parading their ignorance around.
See also: 'theory' does not always mean 'hypothesis'.
Poor Tommy Davis.
"forwarding an agenda of hate".
That's not hate, mate. That's pity.
Does that mean that anyone that believes in a deity is a theotard (not be be confused with those that believe in Lions, the leotards).
Mine's the one with the copy of every boy's bumper book of puns in the pocket.
Thank you for making a very important point.
And I'll admit that I myself do tend to get a bit annoyingly smug when theists simply can't see past their own ignorance (although I do try not to).
And yea, the great prophet Mousehammed did squeak : "Go forth my furry bretheren and multiply. Eat of the cheese that falls from heaven and those bits of food you find behind the cooker. Trust ye not the cats for they are servants of the evil one, Tom. Live as I have taught and one day ye might join the great one 'Jerry' in the big hole in the sky."
If a child's parents are both OC III, does the kid manage to avoid the £350,000?
Could be a funding problem once the whole world's converted...
Bonkers and Wacky but..
Yes, as you pointed out Bonkers and Wacky and no worse that other religions BUT... the difference other religions are up for discussion. You may scoff at Jesus' miracles but you have the right to read and comment on the material it is drawn form.
You cant do this with Scientology. Its seems to me its sole purpose is to brainwash people into releasing their money so that the higher members of the order can benefit. (Ok some other religions do this too at time)
In an age of growing mental health , the traditional religions can bring structure and assistance to people existance. I too am an atheist but with the exception of the actions of the extremes nutters, I tolerate religions. However, I dont see any value to Scientology.
Do I belive
In god yes . Am I going to force the belief on you nope. Please don't call me stupid for having a religion. I hate when Atheists call me ignorant that I must be inferior . I don't run around calling you stupid so please don't call be ignorant .
I'm sticking with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's more believable, we can wear pirate outfits and claim to be green, and we get beer volcanoes and stripper factories in our heaven. All for a net outlay of... um... <takes boots off to count> about $350k less than those gullible twonks pay.
For the record, I don't hate them (although I don't expect a little thing like truth or accuracy to get in the way of a Scientologist diatribe), I just disapprove of the secrecy and cult-like behaviour because Religion should be "open source", even if it's just to allow everyone else to examine the source code and realise they could do better.
I for one...
Don't welcome our.... you get the picture...
Thank you for spreading the word.
I too am an atheist and think that the idea of Xenu is no more ridiculous than Jesus, Allah, or anything else. However the difference is that Scientology is not a benign religion trying to just eek by and do their thing. They are a powerful, litigious bully that uses bait-and-switch methods to trick people into joining their "self-help" group, only to later tell them it's actually about aliens.
That is how they treat their "parishioners", and they treat their 'enemies' even worse. Not on my watch.
All religion is crap
Before you laugh at Scientology, take a look at your own religion.
Mormonism is tripe.
Islam - hahahahahaha
Hinduism - elephants holding up the planet? 6-armed gods?
As for Christianity, Jesus may indeed have existed in real life, but according to the New Testament, he had little to say that hadn't alreayd been said before and all of the myths of his prowess were a reenactment of legends from millenia prior to this. Now explain burning bushes, 40 day floods and an Ark large enough to hold the animals, plague, talking snakes and Adam losing a rib.
Seriously folks, it's all bunkum. Wake up and move into the 21st century without the tooth fairy, Santa and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Well, perhaps the latter http://www.venganza.org
"exposure to the fantastical Xenu story before the completion of numerous preparatory stages might result in pneumonia or even death...."
Thanks! I've got a cold now! Who should I send the lawyers after? El Reg for leaking this, or the church for stockpiling a biological weapon?
What does Xenu-denial signify?
If the scienos had said, "yes, that's what we believe and, yes, those are our sacred screeds [all the OT nonsense], got a problem with that?", the world would have given a collective yawn and wandered away looking for something else in the way of titillation.
But, aha!, they didn't. Rather like the Mormons who have a very strange theology that isn't, as far as I know, written down anywhere, but is only taught via skits comprising their temple rites, and who break out in hives when the subject is brought up.
I can only conclude that the scienos are embarrassed by their xenu-beliefs; or, to be more precise, that those in charge are embarrassed. Which leads in turn to the conclusion that the higher-ups in scientology know it's all a pack of lies and nonsense intended only to separate the suckers from their hard-earned money.
At least the Mormons have a regular changing of the guard at the highest levels, unlike scientology, which seems to be run as the private fiefdom of an individual.
Speaking as an atheist, I absolutely have a belief system. However, it is based on my own set of morals, the golden rule of do unto others as you would have done to you (a rule penned thousands of years prior to the arrival of Jesus, BTW) and trying to work hard, appreciate those around me and enjoy my life for what it is.
You are correct that there is no set of rules for an athiest to follow - we're not a flock, rather we're free agents. Our rules are individual and self-imposed.
I believe in Goats!!!
do you ?
"Religion: Shit it" as Stephen Fry once said on his QI programme.
Like dealing the BNP, all right-minded people can do is point at it and highlight the absurdity of it.
[This comment has been removed for legal reasons at the request of The Church of Scientology.]
I could have told you this 15+ years ago and long before that South Park episode. Mind you I do know two former Scientologists and could tell all kinds of horror stories about the behaviour of their so called church.
Here's one you might not know yet... If you try to leave then they threaten that you, your family and your friends will all die of cancer within 12 months. Due to the brainwashing they have already done on you this seems possible and prevents many from leaving.
I don't believe anyone is calling you ignorant, the ignorance referred to is that shown when attempting to present theism and atheism as alternative belief systems.
@ Stop wailing on religion
The reason this is tech news is the long running battle (at least 20 years) between Scientology and the net at large, starting with the alt.* groups in the late 80s to the latest kidiwinks on 4chan, via a few takedown orders to dutch ISPs. All in the name of preventing the information they've now admitted to.
Also it's only a religion in the US - the remaining 96% of the planet has them filed under "C" (for cranks, shurely). So forgive me if wail away.