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back to article 'World's Worst Banker' joins Lads from Lagos

Spare if you will this morning a thought for Sir Frederick Anderson Goodwin, aka "Fred the Shred", and former big swinging dick down at the Royal Bank of Scotland. Since Fred's fall from grace, precipitated by the collapse of RBS, the UK media has expended billions of column inches insisting he be stripped of his knighthood and …

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Coat

Where do you live?

I live in Scotland, England. That'll go down a storm....

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Coat

you have to feel sorry for...

his pet dog 'wuffles', all alone in detention thanks to his big job/gob/knob. Won't anybody think of the [children and] animals?

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Anonymous Coward

Comedy Genius!

"AFTER THE LOSS OF MY PRESTIGIOUS JOB MYSTERIOUSLY AS A RESULT OF POLITICAL INTERFERENCE BY GORDON BROWN"

...

"ALONG THE LINE, MY GOLDFISH DIED AND SINCE THEN THE BRITOSH GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN AFTER US"

...

"MY PET DOG, "WUFFLES"" (- the Lads are Pratchett fans?)

...

"I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN CARRYING THE FOUR METAL BOXES OUT OF THE COUNTRY..., TO A NEIGHBOURING COUNTRY (JERSEY)"

"THEREFORE, I NEED AN URGENT HELP FROM YOU AS A MAN OF GOD TO HELP GET THIS MONEY IN JERSEY TO YOUR COUNTRY." - Excellent, I'll get started now... wait a minute. Bring it *BACK* to the UK? That can't be a good idea...

Kudos to the Lads, I haven't had such a good laugh at their literature in a long time!

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Bronze badge
Stop

This one is so stupid...

I have a feeling it is a fake 419.

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Happy

Seems genuine..

I feel sorry for him, I'm the poor guys goldfish has died for god's sake, that's not the sort of thing you just make up. How will is £700k / year pension make up for that!

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Happy

ahh

...Poor Goldfish

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Anonymous Coward

lol

This whole Fred thing highlights the hilarity of the situation.

When everything was good, Gordo and Chums (whilst ignoring suggestions that all may not be right with the world) fellated Sir Fred, even making him a Sir for services to banking. Gordo fully supported a hands off, eyes closed approach to the banking sector (all kicked off I do believe back when Clinton was around and started reducing a number of the powers and oversight put in place post great depression.)

I would argue that this hands off, eyes closed approach was what resulted in the various bankers replacing the cow Gordo and chums thought they were milking with a donkeys. The liquid they were getting was no longer milk, the teet no longer felt teet like, but gordo and chums kept on tugging in the knowledge that they were milking a cow, despite the sounds and textures to the contrary.

Becouse lets face it, give a guy a money printing machine and leave him alone with it for long enough he's gonna print money. First maybe he'll print a fiver and see if you nab him, then a tenner, then a few hundred quid, then he'll shrug his shoulders and start mass money printing.

What makes it all the more funny is even when the government decided to pay attention they still ended up giving him a huge pension. Genius. Then everyone is shocked when he goes "lol no f-you I ain't giving this back."

I just find it hard to put all the blame at the bankers doors. Everyone was in there printing as much money as they could and as long as it all looked good Gordo and Chums kept milking (no more boom and bust), only to open there eyes one day to find they're holding a donkeys dick and a bucket full of spunk.

Then they got carted off for making extreme porn.

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Won't somebody think of poor Wuffles??

I must say that I am shocked and appaled at the terrible treatment Mr Goodwin has received from the Brotish Government.

It is bad enough that they persecute him in this way, but to detain, molest and freeze his pet dog is bang out of order. Particularly on the week that his goldfish died.. In fact are we certain that Gordon Brown didn't go round when he was out and poison it?

Thank goodness that the great country of Jersey has offerred him asylum. I hope they have room for poor little Wuffles too when he is eventually released and defrosted.

Lucky for Mr Goodwin that he has engaged the services of the illustrious Mr BELLO GAMBARI. Having done a quick search on Google it seems that Mr Gambari has plenty of experience in this type of situation. On the first page results alone I can see several different cases where he has provided a similar service involving four metal boxes full of cash. It looks like he even helped with the estate of the late president of Niger, so I am sure that if anyone can help Mr Goodwin keep his cash out of the hands of those evil Britosh it is him.

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Paris Hilton

Details matter

"...THE ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND, ENGLAND."

Fail! The clue is in the name...

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Pirate

Sir Fred is...

Without A doubt, the worst pirate I've ever seen.

"It's fun to charter an accountant

And sail the wide accountancy..."

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Thumb Up

I didn't know

That the Lads were so up on their geek culture! A reference to PTerry ("Wuffles") AND to Dawn of War ("METAL BOXES!")

I believe the last shyster that disappointed Vetinari in a banking role walked through a door and down a VERY deep hole. We could learn a thing or two from that.... :)

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Silver badge
Pirate

Jersey!?!

So that's where the bastard's been hiding! Get'im Bergerac!

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Coat

I feel

Sorry for him, I lost a goldfish once, oh the pain and hurt it caused me, I'd have given $20,000,000 US Dollars Only for a replacement from Nigeria.

Mine's the one with the RBS chequebook and card in

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Dont worry WUFFLES

They can only hold you for 28 days before they have to charge you :)

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Gold badge
Heart

<wipes tears from eyes>

It was the dead Goldfish that got me. Best laugh in ages, I've been absobloodylutely creased up for about five minutes.

Thank f*** for Fridays.....

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Scotland / England / Jersey / Browno

Scotland, England was a giveaway. The intimation that Jersey is another country is debatable (for the record: it's British, but not part of the UK). Personally, I refuse to accept that Wales and Scotland are separate nations. Damn that rugby tournament for pushing the idea!

I'm still very much surprised that Sir Fred hasn't come out and said "All right, Gordo. You lead us into this mess utterly ill-prepared after proclaiming the end of boom and bust, after racking up a huge public deficit, a massive private debt and the biggest housing bubble yet seen in the UK. I'll give back my pension if you resign and do the same..."

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Paris Hilton

@ lol

"... only to open there eyes one day to find they're holding a donkeys dick and a bucket full of spunk. Then they got carted off for making extreme porn."

That's possibly the best thing I've read all day (and by a strange coincidence, almost exactly what happened at a friend's stag party)

Paris, because... well, see above

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Anonymous Coward

What about the next fat pigs?

Face it, he played his hand well and made a lot of money. In theory his self interest and RBS self interest are supposed to be the same, but the 'light touch regulation' makes a joke of that.

Bank of England is doing quantitative easing. i.e. printing money to buy company bonds at inflated prices.

So a company is going under, it needs money, but it cannot sell its bonds to raise more money, the banks do not expect it to stay in business and will not lend it money, but the Bank of England will lend it this quantitative easing money.

If you were the CEO or Chairman of such a company, and received Bank of England money for your bonds, would you

a) find a way to turn the company around and go for the long term benefit of yourself and the company of staying in business (knowing that it will at best be a sick bed company burdened with debt) or

b) recognize that the money just delays the inevitable failure, and try to get as much out as possible in rewards and bonuses and retirement fees as possible now.

As soon as money starts being lent for non commercial reasons, there is no need to make a return on it, and so no reason to ensure value for money for it. It's a big trough with a lot of fat pigs about to feed big time on it.

Everyone in the company at board level will understand that option a) is a non starter, so nobody will object to all the noses in the trough as long as they get their nose in there too.

So expect to see a lot more similar oink oink stories resulting from this queasy money.

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Happy

Spoof....

.. it must be - but pretty damn funny anyway !

Made us all laugh here!

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Anonymous Coward

doh

I have to apologise for using there instead of their;

"... only to open there eyes one day to find they're holding a donkeys dick and a bucket full of spunk. Then they got carted off for making extreme porn."

Should read

"... only to open their eyes one day to find they're holding a donkeys dick and a bucket full of spunk. Then they got carted off for making extreme porn."

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Spoof....

No, it's 100% genuine. We've verified it.

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Boffin

Syllepsis

FREEZING OUR BANK ACCOUNTS AND EVEN MY PET DOG

I think even Flanders and Swann would have been proud to have written that :)

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Anonymous Coward

Am I the only one..

Who was dissappointed that www.worldsworstbanker.com did not redirect to www.worldsbestwanker.com

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Happy

Re: Spoof

@Sarah Bee

I'm curious to know how you verified it. Please tell me you called the number on the e-mail and were put through to Sir Fred himself?

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419 scum

Thats terrible - they molested and froze his pet dog wuffles.

It also goes to show, the criminals of this world do not have a single brain cell between them, Only a complete moron could assume a stupid british banker would put the money in boxes and in fact put DOLLARS in the boxes. then theres a vulnerable and easy prey which know it cant be true and so desperately want it to be true - who end up being destroyed by these 419 scum.

Its a good job the 419 thieving scum are not brighter - if they put as much effort into real work they might actually be good at something.

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Anonymous Coward

@Tony - please get your spelling right

It's Britosh not Brotish.

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Happy

Typical lad geography.

But it's certainly a spoof.

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Spoof

Actually yes, it redirected to his mobile. It was a very bad line, but it was certainly him. We got cut off when he went into a tunnel in his limo - he was polite enough to warn me that might happen.

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Anonymous Coward

"Where ere ye be, let yer wind gang free." - Burns

"There are few more impressive sights in the world than a Scotsman on the make '. - J.M. Barrie.

And having made it, he will more than likely have his arse well and truly kicked by his resentful fellow countrymen for having the temerity to sod off and leave them behind in their dreich, rain-sodden little country while he swans off to the Bahamas.

“The finest sight a Scotsman sees is the high road to England” - Dr Johnson

And so it has proved to be, providing us with an export route along which we have channelled our paramilitary forces right into the heart of the City of London and even Westminster itself. So successful has been this strategy that without a single shot being fired the Scottish Mafiosi have been able to exploit the inherent greediness of their English neighbours and bring about the economic collapse of the Auld Enemy.

By way of restoring some balance to this diatribe, its fair to say that if Jacqui Smith's national surveillance database had been operational then obviously none of this would have been possible. Unfortunately the lady was too busy fiddling while Rome was burning.

That is all.

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Thumb Up

Awesome!

I was first suspicious when I saw the boxes contained dollars. I mean, I though he was in England. Still, it could have been an honest mistake.

What a great email. I'm almost inclined to send a few bucks for the entertainment.

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Stop

But isn't Sir Freddie Laker-Goodwin.....

...a 419 scammer himself, taking all that money with the promise of riches beyond your wildest dreams only to be left with the bitterest of tastes left in the mouth?

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Joke

My goodness!

I hope various governments around the world don't receive that email.

The right royal twit might just end up with another boatload of cash courtesy of the old boy network.

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Bronze badge
Boffin

An answer to Fred's huge pension rip-off.

Just give him his pension "pot" in RBS shares; theEXACT number of shares £8 million would have bought BEFORE he fcuked the bank up.

This immediately reduces his pension "pot" by 90% and saves that huge pile of steaming $hit Gordon from any further embarrassment; well, at least until the next skeleton falls out of the closet.(Probably in about an hour from now!!)

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Coat

I hate the man

How dare he besmirch my good character?

JG

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Stop

Hardly the worst banker

There's plenty of candidates over the pond who deserve that title far more than this fool.

After all he's just a fool who ran his ship aground, no doubt helped by a cast of thousands all of whom are whistling innocently in the background.

Crap CEO? Yes. Crap Banker? Yes. Slimy ex-mate of Gordy "chubby" Brown? Definately

Worlds Worst Banker? No, not by a long shot.

lets Consider Berny "a weekend at" Madoff who deliberately ripped off his investors channeling their money into a financial black hole intentionally created to feed his extreme lifestyle.

Or perhaps some of the choice plums that recently ran Lehmans Brothers?

Or why dont we consider Gordy "Chubby" Brown himself. Lets not forget he was the "banker" that ran the UK's finances aground while the champagne was freely flowing.

I think if we are going to start a petition to strip Freddy of his pension we should start a parallel petition to stop Gordy from eating any more pies.

After all its only fair.

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Pirate

What's the difference..

between a 419 scammer and a banker?

Let's see, one takes money up front, dangles the hope of a positive ROI, takes the money and runs.

The other is a 419 scammer.

Not a lot, apparently!

Great post - we need a good laugh! :D

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Alert

Bergerac

Last I heard he was helping Jersey Police with their enquiries into child abuse at his offices...

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Linux

rate of exchange ..

$20,000,000 that's about three-and-six in old money, isn't it ?

For some reason my email address seems to attract this type of scam email by the dozen, but I haven't had this one yet. We should pick someone to forward all of them to ... maybe Gordon Brown ... anyone care to post an email address for him ? He seems to be able to print BILLIONS at the drop of a hat, so he could well manage to send money to ALL the scammers .... errrr ... isn't that exactly what he's doing already ?

SIR = Stupid Irresponsible Reject.

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Happy

Free Wuffles!

We should all start a new petition to get Wuffles de-frosted!

I was in tears reading that... tears of laughter...

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Very amusing

But the serious point here is that the government should be giving us the money so we can pay off our debts quickly and go out and spend.

Oh but wait, we're not donors to Labour, the Conservatives or the Liberal Democrats are we (well maybe some of us are but I doubt anyone would admit to doing so at the moment.) so while I'll admit we are all dependent on these institutions surviving it also benefits the political parties to allow Shred's ilk to prosper.

Maybe the Bank of England should start offering accounts to consumers as given the choice I'd be happier to bank with a nationalised bank.

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Alien

I suspect...

...that amanfromMars is somehow behind this.

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Heart

C'mon, Sarah...

... is it *really* real? You can tell us.

If it is, the Lads have surpassed themselves! Surely if ever a pitch deserved the full 419eater.com treatment, it's this one.

(The heart's for you, Moderatrix)

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