back to article NZ unleashes sonic Manilow weapon

New Zealand has followed the lead of an Oz local council and intends to unleash the ultimate deterrent against Christchurch "mallrats" - the Barry Manilow sonic weapon. The city intends to pipe the lift-music crooner through the central mall district, letting Mandy and Can't Smile Without You do what law enforcement officials …

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Anonymous Coward

Why Manilow?

I'm not familiar with Manilow's work. Is it known to be more effective at dispersing teenagers than Shostakovich or Bartok, say? Has anyone done any research on this subject?

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Stop

Got to be illegal

Surely playing Barry Manilow at people would violate the Geneva Convention?

At least one would hope so.

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Anonymous Coward

¿Emma Belcher?

I hope that's a fake name. Otherwise, I totally understand the girl becoming a scamp...

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Coat

Gnnh

I'm far too old to be considered a mall rat, or unruly yoof (the phrases "white-haired" or "wrinkly" are much more likely to be muttered).

But you can count me out if they play Manilow at me in a shopping centre. I'll be getting my coat and leaving faster than the unruly teens.

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yeahbutnobut

Have they tried talking to these kids? Speaking to them (not from a lamp post mounted megaphone) might help. They aint rats!

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Heart

Oh Chavvie (to the tune of Oh Mandy) 1st verse

Well you came and you stole todays takings

and we sent you to jail, oh Chavvie

well you kicked me and stabbed me, I'm shaking

And I need some first aid, oh Chavvie

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Bronze badge
Anonymous Coward

geographically

It might work on the south island, and it might work on the north island, but it won't work on Long Island.

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Coat

Better Solution

Rent out Mall-Branded baseball bats to codgers and affected law-abiders (who fought 7 World Wars so these hoodlums can cause trouble, etc...) so they can dispense with effing yobbos in the only language they understand.

Mine's the one with the 'torch' in the pocket...

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Flame

aye

a good tasering always does the job

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Anonymous Coward

long term plan...

I'm guessing the long term strategy of alienation will be for these unruly people to care for their elders that kept screwing with them. Treat them differently and they'll return the favor.

I grew up in an area with nothing to do for teenagers. We ended up hanging out wherever we could. The cops didn't like us hanging out at the parks, but there wasn't much else to do unless we would have been expected to sit in front of the t.v. If it wasn't there, then if someone had a car, we'd be at the beach with the same problem.

The biggest thing people need to remember is that most of these kids are decent. They're still learning how to be adults and not act like idiots (although, most adults I deal with still act like idiots). Have a cop remind them to quit being jerks, but unless they're really doing something wrong (most loitering teens are irritating, but it doesn't need to be punished) cut them some slack. Maybe give them a place to hang out where the police can patrol by to and from the station.

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Alert

The alternative is to play Kenny G

Then all the hoodies would simply fall asleep...

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Silver badge

It won't work...

So how long till someone uses those anti-noise laws against Paul Lonsdale and the Central City Business Association for this stupid plan? I give it a week.

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Happy

Human Rights violation!

Doesn't the United Nations have something major to say about the use of "Cruel and Unusual" punishments?

[I doubt Bazza's going to be complaining though: just think of all the extra dosh he will be receiving via the NZ equivalent of the Performing Right Socisty for all these extra public performances of his works]

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Anonymous Coward

As the "When I'm an Evil Villain" list says...

...I will not have a large red button in my space ship marked 'SELF DESTRUCT'. Instead, it will be labeled, "MICHAEL BOLTON ALBUM DISPENSER".

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Joke

@Why Manilow?

AC writes, "I'm not familiar with Manilow's work."

Thou art a very lucky fellow, to not have been around in that earlier decade, when it was sometimes impossible to avoid this stuff on the radio . Trust us, this is one case where innocence is bliss.

"Has anyone done any research on this subject?"

No! Don't do it! It's both painful and known to cause dain bramage. Remember, you've been warned.

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RE: Why Manilow?

Apparently he's talentless crap that even kids avoid.

Personally, I'd play them a little Aphex -- that should leave them suitably disturbed...

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The kids'll just adapt.

What you need is a broad spectrum device that broadcasts easy listening, warbling operatic vocalists performing popular songs from the 19th century, bad avant garde classical pieces, and nursery rhyme medleys. Possibly all at the same time.

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Joke

Obviously...

..they *nose* what they are doing!

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Good Idea

Though it may seem cruel, you can understand the problem and the end does justify the means.

as to what some annonymous coward said ("Is it known to be more effective at dispersing teenagers than Shostakovich or Bartok, say?") If you were to play these composers, not that i have heard of them, the teenagers would just block it out. As a hater of Barry Manilow, I would say that his music would drive me mad even if I could block out some of it. Anyway some teenagers can listen to classical music, such as Wagner.

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Happy

I believe Mozart is the ne plus ultra in the WMM line

"Weapons of Mass Music"

Hit 'em broadside with some of his tinklier, more Dresden china-ish works.

Although there's the risk that yoof will suddenly break out in late 18th century shepherd and shepherdess costume.

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Unhappy

Expect a summary increase...

...of hoodlums wearing iPods and the like. With their own background music, the ambient retro music won't mean squat to the punks, and if they need to communicate with each other, they can just do what American gangs do: use hand signals.

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Simpler solution?

Here in the States, when malls start getting frequented by undesirable delinquents, people simply stop shopping there. Eventually the delinquents go away in search of more interesting haunts. I mean, sure, the mall and all of its stores go out of business, and you're left with a cavernous, ugly building and parking lot blighting the neighborhood (large, weather-stained "For Lease" sign optional) - but the delinquent problem is most certainly no more.

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Joke

....should be Dueling Banjos...

.... given that the entire South Island is Deliverance country.

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Boffin

You can't beat a good bit of Teutonic tempestous tempo

Hamburg Hauptbahnhof regales to the sound of Bach, Beethoven and Wagner. The minute you step off the train, an air of civility warbles through the tannoy; a frequent thought is "well, this is rather nice".

What you may not know is that it deters drug addicts -- complex thematic development tends to disorient substance abusers, whilst also gently disabusing them of their perceived limitless personal freedoms.

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LP

'Manilowed'

Is the correct term. Has been used as a demoralising weapon since Spring of '08, to my earliest personal recollection ;)

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Joke

But isn't that illegal?

As far as I'm aware, assisted suicide is still illegal in the UK. Or is there any other reason to subject people to something that will drive them to kill themselves?

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Gates Horns

Here's how to REALLY get rid of those kids.

Play some country music*, they'll claw their own eardrums

out with their fingernails.

*The sound Satan makes when he farts.

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@Scott

Them's fighting words, particularly if you're from Dorkland or somewhere else on the pig island! Granted you might hear a bit of squealing in Southland but the rest of the mainland is paradise on earth. (Go Crusaders!)

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Thumb Up

Forget Barry Manilow

Just play Jesus and Mary Chain at high volume

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This post has been deleted by its author

Joke

Why stop at Barry Manilow ?

Why not mix it up with a little Leonard Cohen or William Shatner - a more eclectic mix, but no less brain-numbing....... oh, hang on .........

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Happy

Wrong stratagy

Since it won't stop their parents shopping there the kids will still be there, only they will be pissed off. The correct strategy is to play pre-teen music and have clowns handing out balloons, then it will be so uncool to be seen their they will adopt camouflage techniques, or hang around with their parents and moan loudly about being dragged around the shops whenever another teenager is in sight. Although personally I would rather kids hang around the mall because it's somewhere I'm very unlikely to be.

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Paris Hilton

Manilow?

Why bother with Manilow - he's been knocked from his perch.

James Blunt is now the insipid choice of the elderly (but horny) pensioner.

Where's the Paris Hilton angle on this story? Maybe they should play her songs too - they are obviously not very popular with the yoof... unlike her videos.

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Heart

Sing along drunks!

Bring on the drunken kids singing along!

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If Manilow doesn't work, they can escalate...

.... and hit them with Heino, purveyor of Schlager and Volksmusic. Definitely the Ultimate Sanction

(By all means, Google him if you're intrigued, but don't listen, if you value your sanity)

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Or

A bit of Mongolian or Inuit throat signing, broadcast on all FM frequencies too, that should do it

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