Surely playing Barry Manilow at people would violate the Geneva Convention?

At least one would hope so.

I'm far too old to be considered a mall rat, or unruly yoof (the phrases "white-haired" or "wrinkly" are much more likely to be muttered).

But you can count me out if they play Manilow at me in a shopping centre. I'll be getting my coat and leaving faster than the unruly teens.

Well you came and you stole todays takings

and we sent you to jail, oh Chavvie

well you kicked me and stabbed me, I'm shaking

And I need some first aid, oh Chavvie

Rent out Mall-Branded baseball bats to codgers and affected law-abiders (who fought 7 World Wars so these hoodlums can cause trouble, etc...) so they can dispense with effing yobbos in the only language they understand.

Mine's the one with the 'torch' in the pocket...

a good tasering always does the job

Then all the hoodies would simply fall asleep...

Doesn't the United Nations have something major to say about the use of "Cruel and Unusual" punishments?

[I doubt Bazza's going to be complaining though: just think of all the extra dosh he will be receiving via the NZ equivalent of the Performing Right Socisty for all these extra public performances of his works]

AC writes, "I'm not familiar with Manilow's work."

Thou art a very lucky fellow, to not have been around in that earlier decade, when it was sometimes impossible to avoid this stuff on the radio . Trust us, this is one case where innocence is bliss.

"Has anyone done any research on this subject?"

No! Don't do it! It's both painful and known to cause dain bramage. Remember, you've been warned.

..they *nose* what they are doing!

"Weapons of Mass Music"

Hit 'em broadside with some of his tinklier, more Dresden china-ish works.

Although there's the risk that yoof will suddenly break out in late 18th century shepherd and shepherdess costume.

...of hoodlums wearing iPods and the like. With their own background music, the ambient retro music won't mean squat to the punks, and if they need to communicate with each other, they can just do what American gangs do: use hand signals.

.... given that the entire South Island is Deliverance country.

Hamburg Hauptbahnhof regales to the sound of Bach, Beethoven and Wagner. The minute you step off the train, an air of civility warbles through the tannoy; a frequent thought is "well, this is rather nice".

What you may not know is that it deters drug addicts -- complex thematic development tends to disorient substance abusers, whilst also gently disabusing them of their perceived limitless personal freedoms.

As far as I'm aware, assisted suicide is still illegal in the UK. Or is there any other reason to subject people to something that will drive them to kill themselves?

Play some country music*, they'll claw their own eardrums

out with their fingernails.

*The sound Satan makes when he farts.

Them's fighting words, particularly if you're from Dorkland or somewhere else on the pig island! Granted you might hear a bit of squealing in Southland but the rest of the mainland is paradise on earth. (Go Crusaders!)

Just play Jesus and Mary Chain at high volume

Why not mix it up with a little Leonard Cohen or William Shatner - a more eclectic mix, but no less brain-numbing....... oh, hang on .........

Since it won't stop their parents shopping there the kids will still be there, only they will be pissed off. The correct strategy is to play pre-teen music and have clowns handing out balloons, then it will be so uncool to be seen their they will adopt camouflage techniques, or hang around with their parents and moan loudly about being dragged around the shops whenever another teenager is in sight. Although personally I would rather kids hang around the mall because it's somewhere I'm very unlikely to be.

Why bother with Manilow - he's been knocked from his perch.

James Blunt is now the insipid choice of the elderly (but horny) pensioner.

Where's the Paris Hilton angle on this story? Maybe they should play her songs too - they are obviously not very popular with the yoof... unlike her videos.

Bring on the drunken kids singing along!