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back to article Attack of the quarter-ton, 'fridge-sized' killer jellyfish

The US government has warned that enormous swarms of killer jellyfish - some the size of fridges and weighing up to a quarter of a ton - are ravaging the world's oceans. Particularly aggressive specimens are said to be capable of causing serious damage to ships, and have even managed to knacker nuclear power plants. News of the …

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Anonymous Coward

author - check email address

You were meant to send to:

stories@newsoftheworld.com

not the @theregister.co.uk

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new for the takeaway

just tell the chinese, they'll do a nice jelly stir fry with them, and it'll be no. 201 on the menu in double quick time

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d/n/t these buggers

These things are just not nice, any jellyfish, just say no. A *dead one* brushed against my arm once and I was rolling around in agony all afternoon. Take off and nuke from orbit - please!

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Black Helicopters

I for one...

would like to welcome our new gelatinous overlords.

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Stop

this is not a joke

I don't understand the tone of your article, making fun in every line you wrote. I saw a documentary 2 years ago, on the jellyfish at the Sea of Japan, and this is very serious business. It's a shame that you couldn't refrain yourself from mocking it...

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Coat

Cthulu

Nuff said.

Mine's the drysuit, thanks.

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Alien

Let me be the first to say

that I for one welcome our fridge-sized, stinging, gelatenous overlords...

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ben
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OVERLORDS

Can I be the first to welcome our all powerful gelatinous overlords of the sea?

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Coat

To paraphrase Kent Brockman...

"Ladies and gentlemen, er, we've just lost the picture, but, uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The cargo ship has been taken over -- "conquered", if you will -- by a master race of giant jellyfish. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the jellyfish will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new jellyfish overlords."

Mine is the one covered in slime, ta.

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More detail please

"some the size of fridges"

What kind of fridge?

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Coat

And I for one...

Welcome our new slimy overlords. Anyone got a board with a nail in it?

Or... a perfect case of "meet the new boss, same as the old boss".

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I for one

would like to welcome our new, tentacle clad overlords.

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Anonymous Coward

Am I The Only One

Reminded of that episode of Blake's 7 where aliens have taken over Star One and when they get shot turn into what can only be described as massive jelly style bogies?

The point about the fist sized jellyfishes gave me visions of them trying to invade divers through their wetsuits. I'm a landlubber and staying well away from the ocean now!

All in all this is pretty scary stuff. When are the Western governments going to declare war on jellyfishes and declare posession of any gelatinous creature a terrorist offence? "Stay back copper! I've got a jar of jellied eels here and I'm not afraid to use them!"...

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Made to make your mouth water

I, for one, welcome our new gelatinous, fridge-sized, see-though masters.

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can't we ...

.. just process them somehow to make biofuels?

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Silver badge

Global warming to blame ....

presumably because we don't have enough ice cream to fight the jelly monsters.

Crap article: it didn't say if they were raspberry, strawberry or lime flavoured!

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Coat

I for one welcome

our gelatinous floating fridge-sized overlords

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Coat

May I be the first

To welcome our pulsing, gelatinous overlords!

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Fridge-sized

If that's American-style fridge sized, be very scared. Though they may be able to dispense ice to soothe your injuries.

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The day the earth squidge still

Think we need outer space alien octopus to kill them using mechanical goldfish to wipe out these killers.

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Jan
Coat

From the depths of r´ylee

they arise... slimethulu!

or something.

mines the one with the oozing pockets...

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Anonymous Coward

Biofuel

Sounds like a biofuel to me, can we make them into stuff I can put in a car?

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Dan

"These frightful blancmange sargassos"

"...gradually slimed into extinction by unstoppable liquescent assassins."

Thanks Lewis, you now owe me a new keyboard.

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Boffin

Eerie Green Glow

"Humanity's rule may not be overturned in a Day, then, but a Night of Slime as the squelchy brutes cut the power and plunge the peoples of the Earth into their final darkness."

A darkness punctuated by the eerie glow of green fluorescent protein, which may explain the Nobel committee's decision on the chemistry prize this year.

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Bronze badge
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What? Refridgerators?

Is this a new measure of volume? There is potentially room for something between the football and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

I for one will avoid tired "I for one" comments and instead think up some kind of reference to wondrous grot and secret cells.

I guess you could talk about climate change as the latter fire that heats the deep, actually. A win for victorian poetry!

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Flame

Bring back...

... Fire Breathing buses & taxi's.

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Coat

scyphozoan (or possibly hydrozoan)

Cnidarian, surely?

Mine's the one with the anti-venom and the fridge magnets in the pockets.

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Coat

Technology marches on

I remember when Winchester drives were also fridge-size. It's only a matter of time before these jellies become convenient lappy-size too.

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Alien

Pah!

These are just the babies, hatched from the mothership deep beneath the waves.

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Coat

I think we're missing the point here...

So what are these things? Scyphozoan, hydrozoan, both? We need to know how to addrees them once they become our overlords.

The one with the blancmange in the pockets, ta.

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Silver badge

@Nuno re. This is not a joke

"..It's a shame that you couldn't refrain yourself from mocking it..."

This is an article by Lewis Page on The Register. It's to be expected. You know he makes sense.

P.S. It's either '..refrain from mocking..' or '..restrain yourself from mocking..' You probably got confused there.

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Simple really

All we need to do is breed some two tonne turtles to eat them.

</gamera>

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Black Helicopters

We're all doomed.

The jelly-monsters are the advance guard. Cthulu is on Its way. And them in the black helicopters are already in Its service.

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Rob
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Coat

This could be interesting...

... I'm buying a nuclear bunker for when the jellyfish and machines slog it our over who will rule us. Me I'm in favour of the machines, they make better coffee.

Playmobil mock up of how this fight could look, in the interests of the public you know, we need to be prepared for this messy war (oh so messy).

Mines the one that has 'mahine overlords forever' on the back and on the inside has 'jelly fish overlords forever' (well you never know who will get the upper hand).

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Happy

Blimey!

Do all El Reg contributors have a metaphor quota? Lewis seems to be attempting it in one article...

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Pirate

Resist! Show some spine!

And much like the "Run Up Stairs" solution to Dalek Invasion, may I say

"Stay out of the water?" for the Jelly Fish invasion?

So do we need to update the jolly roger appropriately?

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Stop

Are they called Jeollo fish in the USA

If not, why not? ae they A rated fridges?

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Boffin

Well...

After all, we're the ones who have modified our climate to make it more cozy for the jellyfish, so it's our own fault. Now we need peanut-butter fish to go with them.

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Unhappy

Simple solution to defeat these rampaging hordes

Blast them with UV rays! That's what Capt Kirk did to the ones he encountered on Deneva on stardate 3287.2... that's probably why their spawning grounds are in dark dank parts of the oceans, systematically cleansed of vertebrate life.

Oh woe is mankind, for Steve Irwin is gone, protector of us from seaborne invasions!

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Bronze badge

Did you say blancmange like

In that case we can just call in Mr and Mrs Samuel Brainsample. They must be getting on a bit but I'm sure they're still up to the job.

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Stop

Don't Panic!

The jellyfish are breeding, swarming and eating cos there's an abundance of certain types of food, which is because we've been overfishing certain other fish that eat that same food. Jellyfish swarms are a bit of a ocean balancing-act and within a short period of time the amount of available food will start to drop and the jellyfish population with it.

If we stop the overintensive fishing now, the whole thing should work itself out quite nicely.

Let's vary our fish diets and stop throwing catch overboard. Let's make sure we don't haul whole shoals out of the see in a oner.

All will be well.

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Is Lewis Page...

...the only person in the world to have a 27 volume thesaurus?

I've never heard so many different words to mean the same thing.

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The Kraken Wakes

Next they'll start hunting us with their high pressure tanks with remote-controlled flying tentacles invading the coasts. Wait until they sink our nuclear subs and use the fissibles to heat the Poles and drown us all.

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So many Blancmange invadors...

and such a long time before Wimbledon.

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Simple

Take some diced cucumber, a dash of cayenne pepper, a squeeze of lemon and you've got yourself a perfect little jellyfish salad. Good anytime but expecially nice with a side of fried calamari as the textures and temperatures play well off each other.

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Anonymous Coward

threat to society

Society must be protected from gelatinous terror slime gangsters. This is why we need the 42 days detention without charge extension. Think of the children too please.

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Flame

Pompeee, Pompeeeeeeee!

"These frightful blancmange sargassos send out their wobbling hordes on fearful expeditions of destruction, "

- sounds like Portsmouth

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Unhappy

Outlook not so good.

Judging by the state of our slug-infested garden, it's indeed a global jelly power drive and not just them jellyfish taking over the aqueous 75% of earth's surface.

Mind you, this year the land parts have been looking suspiciously watery...

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B

Isn't this caused by global warming?

Or is it called climate change now? I forget what the latest PC slogan is for this scare tactic, but I'm sure the jellyfish hoardes can be blamed on global warming by some global climate "expert" who needs some free publicity.

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Black Helicopters

Send in...

...the army of toast soldiers. They will make short work of all that jelly.

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