Please Sirs. I would like:
Ultrasonic Broadband - ScreamingPorpoiseNet based on modulating a data stream over the panicked squeals and clicks of half-chewed cetaceans.
Ampullae of Lorenzini driven user interface - Thrash about like a dying seal to make your selection from a number of PIM applications. Bleed slowly into the water to start IE. Float listlessly on the undersea currents to surf El Reg.
Pirate-themed navigation - "Arrrrgh! Take two steps towards yon Mount'n o Bones and ye be at yer treasured destination!"
Proactive malware removal - Remora Antivirus ("Will nibble your dorsals till your barnacles drop off!")
I could go on... Actually, no. I am tapped.