back to article Serial commentard bitchslaps Reg hack

It's a well-known fact that flames are like number 13 buses - you wait ages for one and then a whole load turn up and once. Yes indeed, following last week's truly exceptional outburst during which certain Reg readers found themselves on the receiving end of some particularly tasty abuse, we have one Aaron Kempf who rather took …

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He is quite correct you know...

Winners don't use Pole.

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Black Helicopters

He He

Aren't Americans funny :-)

I'm off now before the databases find me..

Oh noes - the flying black databases are here!

ttfn

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correct me if I'm wrong...

but AFAIK, "smoking pole" means sucking dick. Not sure why you'd need to be a hippy for that, but you can be pleased that in addition to all the other mad things, he's accused you of being not just hippies, but openly gay hippies.

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Coat

Teh Attack Of MySQL?

The Databases Are Coming!

Part 2- In a Cinema, Near you!

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look for the clues

Bad Spelling (check)

Terrible grammar (check)

Incoherent sentences (check)

Works for Microsoft (check)

American (check)

yip. Y'all got yerselves a live one there. Maybe it's time to pull a Palin and shoot the darn thing.

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Thumb Up

what a complete seat-belt chewer.

nevertheless I was amused by this outburst.

I hope he takes breaks from licking the windows to type stuff like this more often.

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1 x 25mg daily. Avoid alcohol and operating machinery.

I think this individual had a bit too much to drink. Or maybe his medication isn't working any more. Still, it's nice to know that the fate of the world rests in the hands of a nation of people who are so mentally stable...

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Go

He has a point....

but fuck me I wouldn't employ him with an attitude like that, the need for a thick padding on his cubicle should be a clue to potential employers. As for his "America is God" arguement, it's good to see that McCain/Palin have a least 1 voter, but he's a prime example of why Americans are disliked worldwide.

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Clue

His clue's giving me a clue...

Heheheheh

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Coat

I'm in the wrong job

If $12bn only buys you 2,000 MySQL developer man-years, that means a MySQL developer costs $6m per year.

I'm clearly in the wrong job.

Mine's the one with "MySQL for Dummies" in the pocket.

Oh BTW I've got some Rizlas if anyone's got any pole.

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Anonymous Coward

Oh god

Please let this just be a super effective troll.

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Paris Hilton

Awesome....

You just don't get as many nutters per square foot as you used to in this country, but it's good to see that America is still pumping 'em out.

Oh and as for saving us... in one war (i can only remember the Americans being fence sitters in the Falklands), I think it was only fair and thanks, seeing as we put you on that darn continent.

Gawd bless America and all who sail in her!

Paris, because she proves that Americans aren't all vacuous airhe.... hold on! Let me re-think that.

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Christmas Presents?

I get the strange feeling the only Christmas and birthday presents he ever received were books on how the Yanks single handedly won the war (I won't ever deny they helped, but...) and books on databases.

There must be some reason for the strange obsession.

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Boffin

@Lloyd

Oh come on, not all Americans are semi-literate M$ drones who get off on reading databases:

" I actually really enjoy still looking through this (2 gb worth of) data."

Seriously, he ENJOYS doing that? I think we have a new yard-stick (or pole) here, never again will I mock grown men who read comics and go to conventions because they will always be able to respond with "At least I don't enjoy reading databases."

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Gates Horns

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Legend. America wouldn't be the lost little puppy of a cuntry it is now if there were more like him. Bless his little cottons.

What with the patriot act and all that, privacy is a distinctly alien concept to most Americans. Not understanding that aspect he clearly thought you were being mean to the poor defenceless databases.

I reckon we club together and send him some ritalin.

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Paris Hilton

"Fucking Databases"

Does that mean that we'll all be getting raped by some huge SAN somewhere?

... I can only think of one person that might enjoy that experience...

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Stop

He's an assh@le

So we have nothing to fear from US Govt Databases. Obviously the US govt does not spy on its own people, obviously it would never intercept personal calls between trusted parties and then share the information around the office "because it was fruity and amusing".

The database is only as good as the information it holds and only as secure as the people using it.

Both these risks are historically high.

Obviously Aaron considers these risks to be low. Hence the title of this comment..

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Humpf.

You'd be scared of databases too, the way they loose personal information in this country!

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Anonymous Coward

He's got form...

"I got arrested for threatening someone on UseNet last summer."

out of the Horse's mouth 1st August 2008 commenting here on theregister on "Trashman arrested for YouTube threats ."

Anon, cos this guy sounds scary

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Happy

Stlii laughing...

as I type this.

Nothing cheers me up on a shitty, wet workday in the same way as reading the incoherent rantings of a complete and utter retard like this.

He certainly doesn't come across as the sort of arsehole that anyone would want to "save their country". I suspect even his native land would reject his efforts, due to an obvious mental instability.

Priceless.

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Coat

Scared of Databases?

I'm not scared of databases, I'm not scared of electricity either.

Apart from those times that the government has used thier database to decide that I'm the best person to pass e4lectricity through in order to get the information that they want...

OK, that's a bit extreme but it proves that the idiot didn't actually think about the application the database was going to be used for...

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Dead Vulture

What is this dude guy

is this guy for real. possibly smoking too much of his own pole. Let him rant, nobody, from now on is interested in him.

MM

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Flame

Actually

in WW2 wasn't it the Americans, Canadians AND Australians who came to our aid? Or was that WW1? Or both?

Anyway, you were getting your asses kicked by Japan until you dropped a bomb created by scientists you'd never have had if we'd not been in that war. So if you want a "we saved your asses", that's right- we saved yours.

Plus how many times were your asses saved by radar (British)? Or having guns whose barrels were rifled (somewhere in Europe)? or even a simple phone call (British)?

For a people who had to be bailed out and defended by the French of all people you really can turn out some seriously uppity citizens.*

We're not scared of databases, and I'm pretty sure we know what data mining is. We just don't like criminals getting hold of our data- and a huge central repository for that data is a real easy way for them to get a hold of it. Even if it's a nukeproof, quadrillion-bit quantum-encrypted and somehow entirely isolated from the Internet system you'll find that someone will make an unencrypted tape backup. Then lose it on a train. Or save the passwords they use to access the database on a laptop and lose it.

Then the crims get our data, then we lose our privacy and security.

If you're not worried about that, please feel free to do a Clarkson and publish your account details, sort code, address, etc in this comments section. Along with a note as to which charity you want your monthly outgoings sent to without your knowledge or consent.

*note: Not all Americans are like this. I've met a good number of them and they can be really great people (though a surprisingly low alcohol tolerance).

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Alien

Amazing

He is a truly gifted individual. With such a unique perspective on history I'd love to see him do a documentary.

I can imagine it now, Hitler was in his tent on the white cliffs and the poor UK forces had been forced all the way to the Scotish borders. Just as Churchill was about to surrender in come the US soldiers, millions of them...and the only reason they were late to the party was because they'd just defended the earth from martians.

I'm presuming he'll gloss over the small points that the wars the US have started havent gone too well (vietnam anyone?) and really we've been there saving their arses (when they arent blowing us up for funsies) in more recent events.

I suppose we can't rule out total stupidity, as he clearly knows the keyboard shortcut for cut and paste, without which "run away, the databases are coming" would not have been repeated so liberally. Or maybe in a true defiant idiom, he decided to store the line 'run away the databases are coming' in a database and SQL injected them into all comments he made on a random basis to prove his point on the harmlessness of databases. Yes, yes, I know...

Bless. If he has friends or family, my heart goes out to them.

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Boffin

Data Theft

I'm not sure I'd employ anyone who lifted MS data and took it home with him. What a nimrod (Merkin, not British definition)!

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Stop

re: i'm in the wrong job

its £12bn not $12bn so that means they'll be on £6m or $10m per year,

im glad i know mySQL :)

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Stop

*sighs* Americans....

This guy really expemplifies all of the negative sterotypical images people have of the seppos.

And what is it with their strange delusion that they single handedly won WW2??? Maybe it's because they teach that the war started in 1943 in seppo schools.

If he's reading this I'd like to ask him to kindly go back to chanting "America is best!" in the midst of his failing economy, high crime rate and global disgust.

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Stop

A bit harsh...

You have to admire the guy's commitment to his ideals.

It takes a particular strength of will to take a jumbled set of disjointed fragments of ideas and mold them, by application of pure, burning, enmity, into an opinion that you can not only hang onto, but project loudly, violently, and indefatigably in a moderated public forum - in defiance of social norms and grammatical conventions.

We should be applauding this man for saying the things we would not say even if the swelling lesion on our brain stem left us inclined to do so.

We should be thanking him for upholding the ideals of free speech in a manner that ensures that our most drug-addled, misogynistic, illogical, hate-filled, diatribes will be elevated as Kennedy'esque oratory by comparison.

We should stand upon the shoulders of this giant and see the world much as he sees it, save for the fact that he has to look up at our backsides and down at his strides around his ankles.

And, perhaps more than anything, we should keep posting anonymously because between the crazies in the asylum, and orderlies trying to keep them rounded up, it is best to keep your head down and not stand out.

PS. A "Collected Works of Aaron", perhaps? "I Am Aaron"? "Aaronology"?

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Cost of building a database

It's hard to see how someone could work in the computing industry and think the main expense in building a cross-jurisdictional database of personal details is the SQL developers. That's like thinking the main expense in building a 3G network is the RF circuitry for the handsets.

I also enjoyed the leap that because a database of IP traffic helped to find malware, a database of benefits claimants will help find terrorists. It's almost the exact same thing. They are both databases, and they are both being used to find something.

He has an interesting idea though: this database should be so good that it can find terrorists without using data mining. I suppose that would make it a list. I can certainly see how that would be helpful, but again doubt the main expense would be in SQL developers.

Thanks for sharing it. It's helped me put other head-shaking stupidity into context, and left me more relaxed about the world.

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Blimey!

I'd keep your head down if I were you, Chris. The guy sounds a bit of a nutjob, as backed up by the conviction for a bit of previous. He's got rants and postings all over the intertubes.

I particularly like the fact that it seems to be a hotshot DBA, but cannot work out how to stop his PC from beeping.

Fuckwit.

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Stop

lol @ yank

ahhh origional US response #7

"we saved you in xxxxxx"

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Anonymous Coward

I use

MSSQL

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Anonymous Coward

I think FoTW...

...needs a sub-section called ToTW (Troll of The Week)

Or do I have so much faith in humanity for believing that there can't be people truly like that out there (even in the US)?

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what a twat

i wonder if the duty nurse know he's on the computer again?

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Joke

Please don't discourage him...

...I desperately want to see what this inbred, mouth-breathing, window-licking muppet comes up with next. Aaron, don't be a stranger, y'hear? One thing that we're still desperately short of over here is frothing incoherent loons with their underpants on their heads. Well, aside from Mail readers, of course, but they're a bit boring by comparison with Aaron here. On the bright side, it may actually be proof of the young earth creationist hypothesis - come on, do you seriously think that if we'd had 4 billion years of evolution, species striving desperately with one another, wresting survival from the jaws of extinction, steadily becoming more attuned to the brutal reality of natural selection, we'd have ended up with THIS guy?

Excuse me, there's a database coming through the walls to get me...

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IT Angle

His example of...

how to use a database to find terrorists:

SELECT * FROM people

WHERE TERRORIST = true

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Silver badge
Coat

Anyone fancy joining the age-old sport of troll-baiting?

...by pointing out that it was pretty much the Russians that 'saved our asses in WW2', whereas our septic cousins waited until it was obvious who was going to win and then came over and had sex with our women while we were all off fighting the Luftwaffe?

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Anonymous Coward

I ain't afraid o' no database...?

I'm a developer myself and I am not afraid of databases at all.

It's specific ones which frighten me. Ones set up by governments who will use it to sell to marketing types, and ones that monitor people who might possibly be terrorists because they described something as a bomb (like an expensive price or something).

Or databases set up by IT-illiterate types who will only go and lose the data and risk *my* financial security and credit record by losing my data. *cough* NuLabour.

These databases frighten me.

I only wait for the day when the new NHS DB goes live and tells my doctor I have some unpleasant health concern and that I need an organ removed when in fact there is nothing wrong with me.

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mein kempf?

total fruitcake. seems like online anti-social behaviour is not a new thing, though ...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/08/01/baby_food_video_threats/comments/

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Boffin

CnC marketeers, are you reading this?

I'd buy a "The Databases Are Coming! The Databases Are Coming!" T-shirt. Do some 50's style artwork on it, similar to those horrible movies about giant robots (or 50-feet tall woman!) rampaging with some people running from it. 50's style hats for the men, cutesy dresses for the women. All screaming in horror.

So, here is the idea, if you use it at least send an XXXL to me :-)

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Black Helicopters

Look out, there's going to be peace!

"So sorry that some kid said 'oh shit, this database isn't solving world peace'."

Wow, and I thought World Peace was the goal, not something to be solved. Clearly the Americans have a different agenda and consider 'world peace' to be something to be solved so they can continue to sell lots of guns and bullets around the globe.

Black helicopter as they're helping solve the world peace problem

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Anonymous Coward

I admit it!

Alas, the truth is out - as it happens, *every single* American is exactly like this guy. We'd hope to keep it under wraps for a while, but this pole-smoking dipshit had to go and ruin it for everyone.

On a more serious note, I'm continually amazed at the willingness of rough-n-tough conservatives to hand control and oversight of individuals to the government. Bizarre. "I don't trust the government to run schools and provide a social safety net, but by all means, increase your federal surveillance powers!"

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Black Helicopters

History, a work of American fiction

> Hitler kicked Englands ass in WW2.. until we had to bail you out.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

> I'm personally tired of my country saving your country

ROTFLMAO!

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I for one welcome...

...our data-mining database overlords. With or without a 'where' clause.

(Sigh. Come on, someone had to.)

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Happy

Almost poetic

What vivid use of language, the raw anger seething from every letter. You can almost hear these words echoing off the walls of his family basement, the Sarah Palin posters gently fluttering in the breeze created by this furious discourse.

I am touched by this almost Byron-like representation of angst in this confusing modern world. I don’t mind admitting that I cried a little inside.

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Go

Inevitably...

I for one welcome our new relational overlords...

--

JG

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Linux

I agree with him on one point

Databases are not scarey, nor is the informaiton stored in a database.

The scarey point is what is done with the information and who has access to it.

I could take all the information for all people living in the UK and put it in a database and lock it away in a cellar. No one would have any issue with this as there is no way it would be used against you.

I belive (this is my opinion for those dumb people) that the issue is who is going to have access and what the information is used for. He is one of those people who would honestly believe that he gov't would never do anything to harm it's citizens.

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Wibble

May I be the first to welcome our Database Overlords...

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(Written by Reg staff)

um

May I suggest that extrapolating from the rantings of one loon on the internet that all Americans are mad is er, a smidge unreasonable? After all, the Americans could then extrapolate from that that all Brits are prone to unreasonable extrapolation. And round and round we'd go.

The point is, give it a rest, you Brit-tards.

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Super-Power

"No wonder you guys are no longer a super-power"

Yes, we quake in our boots at the great power of the US. The whole world does.

I know I do, I am absolutely terrified of the power of the "super-power". I mean we should bow down to the super president, he's done a great job. Not to mention the super economy.

That so much power should be in the hands of a nation who have a warp sense of history and inflated ego make the rest of us despair.

So I say this:

USE Inflated_Ego

GO

IF Super-Power != 'Responsible, Intelligent, Peaceful, Helpful, Humble'

SELECT 'We do not deserve the title. We just like the way it makes us feel and how we can boast about it.' AS [True status]

Just my 2 p worth Mr. database man.

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