Legendary bored-housewife-pleasing publisher Mills and Boon is planning to up the romantic ante with its first porn books. The usual mildly risqué euphemisms of the famed throwaway lady-paperbacks, known for their ripping of bodices and tousling of hair and rumpling of sheets and such, will helplessly submit to a crashing wave …
"oh paris coz'" comments we gonna get this time?
I say at least 6 before this comment is published.. cant we remove the icon? its rarely used for remotely amusing purposes and instead for shi**y paris cos she blows at the end of an article about wind farms etc... get a life!
anyway, rant over, carry on,,
"no-holes-barred sex filth"
I notice this is not the first time that you use the word "filth" in your articles that have something to do with sex.
Is this telling or what?
Fixing the dishwasher?
Is that prison slang?
Do I detect cold cynicism?
"- the pure red hot thrill of mechanical dead-eyed coitus with someone you wouldn't actually piss on if they were on fire."
I did chuckle. The chuckle became a laugh at the next small sentence.
Maybe it's ennui, that feeling you get after too many dead-eyed sessions, who knows? I don't care why Sarah, none of us do, we just care and we hope that you can find some way to bring some joy into your life.
Not only a top article, but it has shown me where i have been going wrong, i'm off to learn how to fix dishwashers.
mines the one with the copy of the idiots guide to fixing household appliances in the pocket
Sarah, you really do need to spend less time with Lester you know!
Hmm.....you certainly seem to have done your research on this well to provide the plot and a good healthy dose of innuendo bingo.
You did miss out on saying that if this idea fails it will be called Bonkers or they could go after the pr0n hungry geeks with a remade in print Tr0n Pr0n :)
Mine's the one with the dirty mac........iMac of course *ahem*
I just spat out my post-lunch café noir
".. sex as grudging quid pro quo for fixing the dishwasher."
I can't believe you passed up on using this from the amazon editorial review....
"The FBI is dangling the ultimate carrot"
Well, I never knew being well endowed was a requirement these days.....
Sarah is a good writer.
I'm glad she's working for El Reg.
She's much better than that other chick: Ashlee Vance.
"...mechanical dead-eyed coitus with someone you wouldn't actually piss on if they were on fire. At least, not unless it was their thing."
So young, and yet so bitter...
But does it include pictures?
Pop up pictures at that?
Now thats a novel idea... a popup pr0n mag...
My idea, I came up with it first!!!
So the terrorist wouldn't be an Islamic militant then? Good to see someone thinking outside the box. Perhaps he's a Russian*, that would be a shock eh?
*Silly me, then it would have be Vodka. Lets hope she hasn't got any cuts on her leg.
Daily Mail giveaway?
"Coming to you. In six weekly (but sweaty and sticky) parts . . "
'inter-racial girl-on-girl action' - be interesting to see if 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells' objects to that. "See how the British Empire really fucked the world over" etc. etc.
To paraphrase Bill Hicks...
Or just plagarise, whatever:
"It's not pr0n unless, at the end, someone's gooey. Arcing ropes of jism hitting chins -- that is pr0n"
PS: How many offers of having your washing machine fixed have you had so far from this story, Ms Bee?
PPS: It's probably the heater element...I'll just get my wrench out. *Wah guitar kicks in*
An FBI agent taking liquids to an airport?!?!?
A realistic level of incompetent intelligence, methinks.
Does it say "based on a true story" on the cover?
Perchance you might find time to illustrate a chapter of this novel for friday? Its been a while...
Paris - there wasn't really any other option was there?
Ed Begley Jr
Too late, now i have mental images of him doing NSFW type stuff :-(
I'm waiting for Mills & Boon for Blokes
"The hot blonde census takers went moist when Dave opened the door.
He invited them in, and whipped it out, it was massive.
He shagged them so hard they never walked properly again.
Then they fisted each other while Dave had a beer and a sandwich.
It was awesome."
I think Breezy Malone's childhood pet was a badger (this is an IT site, right?).
@Joe K - nearly there
Good first attempt, but what sort of beer and what kind of sandwich?
Just because no-one has sunk that low.
" Good to see someone thinking outside the box "
I think you'll find it's an exact opposite that M&B are in fact aiming for. Ithankyou.
@Graham Jordan: pop-up
Sorry mate - it's been done. I have a pop-up Karma Sutra on the shelf. (Next to a set of Sexual Position Top Trumps - in German, of course).
>>My idea, I came up with it first!!!
No you didn't!
But perhaps she really did need her dishwasher fixing
Sarah, you really do need to spend less time with Lewis you know!
Lester's filth *and* Lewis's alliteration. It's all getting too much. I have to go and lie down. And dream of broken dishwashers and Large Hardon Colliders.
@ Evil Graham
The beer needs to be light and fizzy, and the sandwich has to be a blokeish concoction, heavy on curry components.
This is so the hero can do a ten second fart spanning two octaves, so the birds run screaming from the house naked for the comedy ending.
Is it obligatory? The balding, obese 40 year old bloke currently fixing ours really isn't my type...
RE: Dishwasher fixing
"Is it obligatory? The balding, obese 40 year old bloke currently fixing ours really isn't my type..."
No, but it's cheaper.
hmmm... they're in this with Amazon?
Could this be a phase one? Could Amazon be thinking this is the life belt that will get their e-reader afloat (assuming it can support some sort of animated gif ;)
Look out for version 2.0 with full-color lcd this holiday season :X
You missed the main character
One Eyed Jack.
Reading through the summaries of this type of literature, the first 20 all involve the man being shot, drowned, stabbed, kidnapped, imprisoned , suffering from a non infectious or icky illness, comatose, dying from a poison or having to fight to survive or having just killed someone in self defence to defend their honor.
It seems women want the first step to be a man who is weak or has to rely totally on them, while being powerful and dangerous in the eyes of everyone else and that all other women will try and fail to steal him.
Christ mate, could you have NSFW'd that? I'm going to have to sit here for ten minutes while i subside! and it's home time!
So what you're saying, is that every time SHE fixes the dishwasher I have to oblige her desires? Hardly seems fair on the poor dishwasher, she'll be pretending it's broke regularly just so she can "fix it".
@ John H Woods re the Kama Sutra
That boring old thing?
I made the mistake of buying a copy of a complete translation of the whole shebang, a modern translation, not the Richard Burton one from 100+ years ago that chastely pulls its punches and is mistranslated to boot, and...well...well...it's boring as hell.
Buy a pop-up Kama Sutra and put the baby to sleep!
Paris, just to annoy the anti-Paris brigade.
Title for mills and boons for blokes
Jizz and more Jizz
"...the pure red hot thrill of mechanical dead-eyed coitus..."
Love it. Er, the phrase, that is, not mechanical dead-eyed coitus itself.
Oh, alright, the coitus too.
I'd fix your dishwasher any day
she uses the words sex and filth together as she is pure filth herself and knows it. The joy and glee that went into writing this piece is evident and good to see.
Thanks a bunch, Sarah
Gave me a great laugh to start my day. If I quoted all the bits I found funny I'd wind up quoting most of the article - and you already know what you wrote.
Nice try but far too much plot for a M&B...
"".. sex as grudging quid pro quo for fixing the dishwasher."
It didn't work for me so next time the missus can bloody well fix it herself.
@ Sarah; have you got any broken white goods which need mending? Grudging would be OK but enthusiastic even better. Or I'll take cash.