UKTV has published what it claims to be the world's oldest joke - a Sumerian rib-tickler dating back to 1,900 BC which goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." Yup, they were a laugh a minute, those cheeky Sumerians, and no messing. In second spot we have …
Is it not funny
or could our grasp of the ancient languages be lacking in cultural depth? Try translating any joke, good or bad into another language and it generally dies a death. (except Monty Python, of course)
So that's where...
El Reg is sourcing it's jokes!
"It's all so clear to me now, Dave"
Non-joke icon needed
Laugh? I nearly did.
A man walks into a pub...
Yeah, I'll get my coat
Goza was very big in Sumeria.
Bob Monkhouse sued them for copywrite
Still missing the punchline
I guess they have to find some other stone tablets to go with that, because it seems to translate to 'Why is it, that girls always fart when they sit on your lap ?'
feel free to fill in..
/the one with the Zuul picture
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms!
I got one..
A woman goes into a pub and asks the barman for double-entendre. So he gave her one...
@ Sarah Bee
Nimble little minx, in't she?
I'm not saying my mother-in-laws'....
...ugly, but she uses her bottom lip as a shower cap!
I'm not saying the mother-in-laws'...
...ugly but when she does her make-up the lipstick crawls back down the tube!
I'm not saying the mother-in-laws'...
...ugly but she makes her own yogurt by staring at a pint of milk!
I'm not saying my mother-in-laws ugly'....
...but she had a face like a bag full of spanners
A farmer bought a slave...
...and next morning he sent the slave to market. On his way home the slave fell down and died. The farmer went to the dealer and complained: you told me this slave was healthy but already he has fallen down and died! Quickly the dealer replied: but he never did that when he was with me!
That's from ancient Greece, but some linguists researching accents for Reading University recorded the same joke (though about a horse) in Berkshire in the 1950s.
Jimmy Tarbuck did that one a few years ago
I'm not saying my mother-in-law's....
..big, but everytime she bends down there's an eclipse.
The oldest printed joke in English
Q. Of all leaves, which leaf is the cleanest?
A. The holly, because no man will wipe his arse with it.
True Fact, Guaranteed.
You should have published the winning joke in the original Sumerian. The pun is really funny, although not really PC.
And of course the Egyptian joke is meaningless if don't you see the way the hieroglyphs appear on the actual cartoon.
People who tell jokes like these....
will know what it is is to be roasted in the belly of the Sloar this day, I can tell you.
Mine's the one with the unlicensed particle accelerator.
A Fish swims into a concrete wall and says...
Your mommas so fat, that when she's asked what clothes size she is, she says "16:9"
What's red and invisible?
What's white and sticky and swings through the trees?
A woman gives her partner...
two ties for his birthday gift, a red tie and a blue one.
Next morning he gets up a puts on the blue tie.
To which the woman says, "don't you like the red tie?"
There are 2 fish in a tank...
The first one says to the second one "You drive, I want to have a go of the gun".
What's black, sits in trees, goes "rat-a-tat-tat", and is dangerous?
A blackbird with a machine-gun.
Crap joke? I just had to do this one...
How do you keep idiots in suspense?
Why did the Frenchman swim in circles?
He only had one arm.
And oldie. Potentially not a goodie.
What's brown and green, has six legs and if it fell from a tree it'd kill you?
A billiards table.
What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.
The oldest joke of all
"I'm from the government. I'm here to help you."
walk into a building
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus.
I can also do elephant jokes until Tarzn appears to beat me to death with Cheetah, but I think I'll spare you that pain....
another old joke.
A man is walking past a Bedlam when he hears a voice yelling out, "Thirteen! Thirteen!".
The man thinks nothing of it and continues walking. After taking not more than two steps, he hears the same voice again yell out, "Thirteen! Thirteen!". This gets him curious. He starts looking around, but sadly the Bedlam is surrounded by a tall wall and he can't see anything!
As he is looking around the wall, trying to find a way to see in, the voice continues to yell out "Thirteen! Thirteen!".
Finally, by a stroke of luck, the man finds a whole in the wall for him to peek through! He gets close, bends down a little and presses his eye tight against the whole to see whats going on. But no sooner than he presses his face against the wall to see, a stick comes through the hole and pokes him in the eye!
The man falls over into the street, holding his eye in pain as the voice on the other side of wall calls out, "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
What's brown and sticky?
How do you hide an elephant in custard?
Paint its feet yellow and turn it updside down.
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard
What's the difference between a duck?
One leg's both the same.
That's the best one liner I've read today... Thanks!
What's pink and drags across the ocean floor?
I hate you. I *still* don't get that one...
Olde as ye hilles
Stoppe me if thou hast hearde these ones:
Two blondes are walking in the forest and come across some tracks
"those are bear tracks" said one..
"no, those are deer tracks" said the other..
They were still arguing when the train ran them over..
Two farm-hands are walking down the road when suddenly a motorcycle passes them - and the motorcyclist is headless! They stare after him, amazed, then walk on.
A few minutes later, another headless motorcyclist whizzes by.
One farmhand says to the other, "Hey, Fred, could you put the scythe on your other shoulder for a bit?"
Paris, because the head is not missing...
Three blondes women are stuck on an island, and find a lamp.
They rub it, out pops a genie who gives them a wish each.
The first one says, "I want to be smart". *POOF* she turns brunette and swims to the mainland.
The second says "I want to be smarter than that..". *POOF* her hair turns black, she cuts some trees, builds a boat and sails to the mainland.
The third says "I want to be even smarter than THAT.." *POOF* she turns into a man and walks across the bridge..
Whats the definition of a male chauvinist
Someone who thinks that "harass" is two words..
Re: Three blondes women are stuck on an island, and find a lamp.
A really smart man would never post that.
A skeleton walks in to a bar
Bartender, a beer and a mop please
Why do ducks have big feet?
To put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
To put out flaming ducks.
Dead Avian chosen in light of the punchline.