In a shock development offering hope for the cohesion of British society - not to mention the finances of the British government and the operating model of the Reg - boffins have discovered that it is possible to live almost entirely on booze and yet remain fully functional. At the moment, according to the latest research, the …
<- Mine's the one with a bottle of Old Huckleberry 101 bourbon (50.5%) in the pocket.
Where were the homeless shrews
and their cans of Tenants Shrewper and Carlsberg Special Shrew :)
Paris coz everyones' seen her shrew.
Well, proper booze does cost a bomb over here due to the sin tax and all.
<-- Mine's the one with the 6-pack of shandy in the pocket and a hidden bottle of Hooter's Hooch for those special occasions.
Careful what you say, Mike. AFAIR, shrews are the hard men of the animal kingdom - for their size I don't think there's another animal to touch them for sheer agression and ferocity.
Perhaps all that drinking has had an effect after all....
Confirms my theory
That small furry animals are far more civilised than humans, given that just like drunken humans they urinate in public places. However, at least these lucky fellows don't get greeted with a police baton, banged up and have their DNA stolen on the meander home.
Alas, we are not shrews!
Shrews are among the smallest mammals of all (with the possible exception of the freakish bumblebee bat) and have incredibly rapid metabolisms. We would explode if we ate as much as they need to, to keep their little engines running and I'm afraid extrapolating upwards to humans will not help us avoid the state of inebriation.
I'd be more interested if they could genetically give us that molecule which acts as anti-freeze in blood that is carried by some animals in the antarctic. At least then you could stumble back from the pub in deepest darkest winter and not care where you fell asleep on the way home.
*The vulture because it might not be dead, it might just be very, very drunk.
Malaysian shrews don't drive when drunk. Or stab other shrews at closing time.
But did any of the shrews say...
... Yer my besht mate, pal...
Hey that reshercher's lookin' at me funny...
Was the study sponsored by a brewery, vinyard or distillery?
I am not in any way worried by inebriated shrews getting behind the wheel of a car. I have never had to avoid drunken-shrew vomit on the underground. The majority or human drinkers are at least as considerate as shrews. If the scientists had come up with some way to deal with the others then I would be interested.
Brits dont know how to behave
It just becomes a bit more obvious after relatively small amounts of alchohol that the average Brit is an incosiderate, impolite and aggressive.
Germans and Japanese are invariably polite and well mannered right up to the point where thay fall over. Its very difficult to tell whether a Spaniard has been sipping mineral water or just downed a bottle of brandy there is very little difference in behaviour. The French are rude, self centered arrogent bastards drunk or sober. Only the Brits use booze as an excuse for going Neadrathal.
Lets here it for european unity.
I'm sure the average British Naval seaman used to be "grog-soaked yet productive "
The Senior Service has nothing to learn from some Malaysian shrews.
Of course, nowadays, I don't suppose they maintain the grog ration.
Yar, it's political correctness gone mad, I tells ye!
It ain't so cheap here either, RM25++ for a pint of Guinness.
Fags are cheap, though
[I think the vulture's over-indulged on the palm nectar]
@ Dodgy Geezer, "Hard Shrews"
I dread to think what they'd be link on the Stella, then....! Maybe that's the next US military project? Increase shrew aggression with a few cans of "Old Partner Beater" and send them on their way to Iraq to take it out on "teh terrywrists*"?
*ie whoever they find. That's the description these days, right?
@ 4% Pansies
Wow! Pansies are 4% alchohol? Great news!
Only the Brits use booze as an excuse for going Neadrathal.
I disagree Americans are a mix. its like lighting a match to out dated explosives. It might be a dud or it might kill you
Palm nectar is 4%, eh???
Well give us a pint of that then!
On top of everything else, there's a negative carbon footprint if it comes straight from the tree!
Never mind the shrew
Where can I get the palm trees? This gives a whole new meaning to the term "Beer Garden"!
Brits: "See yew, yer ma besht mate, eh, like, ken, n'at'no"
I don't know, I always found the problem with drunk Scots was refusing another round*, so I can't say the aggression rule holds for all Britischers.
* This was of course in normal Scotland, ie. outside Easterhouse, etc.
It's called Toddy mate. Funny white stuff sold in plastic bags or old 2l coke bottles. Evil stuff. I only ever drank it once, and that was years ago at an open air seafood restaurant near Klang. One guy took a bottle back to his hotel room and it exploded in the 'fridge as it was still fermenting.
Mine's the one with a parang stuffed inside a badminton raquet cover
while taking a crap at work
Having spent a couple of years there, drunk scots are at least as bad as the drunk rest of Britain. Which is hardly a benchmark to aim at.
The city centre on a Sat. night is truly mind boggling, other countries
would call it a riot or a civil war...
It might be best not to push your theory too far.
That sounds like Glasgow!
There's an omission in the article.
".....odd stifled belch, hiccup or inadvertent furniture collision....."
What about the farting? It's the farting that really kills according to my missus. A decent beer can turn the most innocent of little squeakers into something capable of stunning sauropods at range.