back to article The Moderatrix will see you now

Those among you who are still adrift on the sea of life - despite our resident Agony Aunt's best efforts to guide you to the shores of sanity - will be relieved to learn that the Moderatrix has once again opened the door of her basement boudoir to offer spiritual succour to the needy. So, if you've ever wondered whether time is …

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Anonymous Coward

My problems are solved at last!

Dear leather-clad-advice-dispensing-queen-of-pain:

Should I have taken the red pill or the blue pill?

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IT Angle

Where's the IT angle?

(snicker)

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If Truth is Beauty And Beauty is Truth...

Does that mean that Jordan is a gargantuanly huge fib?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: Where's the IT angle?

Strike one, Mr Pritt. That joke is beneath someone with such a very amusing nom de net.

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M
Alert

Ok Truth time.

I heard from another website that you are actually General Zod. Is this true?

From,

Kneeling Mark.

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What I find really scarey

Is that "The Moderatrix" appears to have had a boob removal job and looks a bit butch to say the least.

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So, what do cow's know that we don't?

I mean, they're always lying down when it rains and all.

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Coat

Question of the Year

I'm a level 70 Blood Elf Paladin. should I re-roll as a death knight when the new expansion comes out?

Coat!! I don't wear a Coat, I stay in on the computer all the time

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Heart

Shocking

Dear Moderatrix,

Every time I open the car door on my lovely Nissan Almera, I receive the most terrible electric shock. I'm considering changing my lovely nylon slacks for a pair of corduroys in an attempt to resolve the problem but find the idea of actually going to a shop to try on trousers baffling and not a little frightening.

Can you recommend a reliable website with a good range of static-resistant corduroys, preferably Teflon coated, with a 50" waist?

PS It's my birthday tomorrow. Does anyone want to come to my birthday party? Anyone?

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if there is rain

If the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain

where would the most painful spot be, if one was forced to wear red underwear on a saturday?

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Boffin

@ AC with Almera troubles

No need to bother the Moderatrix, simply make sure you walk to the car, do a small jump in the air and WHILE STILL IN THE AIR touch the bodywork.

When you land, the static will dissipate through the soles of your feet (i.e. large surface area and therefore painless).

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Coat

Chuck

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck norris?

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Black Helicopters

Online Games

Dear Moderatrix,

Why do people always have to wave their e-peens about which online game is best (commonly seen between EVE-Online & World of Warcraft players, amoungst other), or about their 'I'm ex-level hahahahaha'? Is this because they've never grown up or is something more sinister at work here?

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Tom

Safety Word?

Whats your safety word during your depraved acts? is it:

geeky > "SUDO HALT"?

nerdy > "PI"? #

strange > "ULLA, ULLA, ULLA"

etc

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Ash
Heart

Moderatrix,

Are you free Friday night? XL's shut about 5 years ago, but there are still some decent rock clubs in Birmingham. A night in Scruffy Murphy's followed by some classic / hard rock at The Newt, then back to yours for some cuffs, chains, whips, and leather.

Come on baby, let's go.

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Pirate

Were all doomed

The planet is in turmoil, children are being tested on what powers solar powers snails, superbugs rampage through hospitals leaving carnage in their wake, to much sun gives you cancer, to much sun cream gives you cancer, governments hyping terror threats and encroaching on civil liberties, every day there is something new that can or wants to kill you...

Many are saying the apocalypse is coming and we are all doomed so I thought I would ask the most vital question I can think of... what motorbike do you think I should buy next?

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Anonymous Coward

Wow that was a long wait

I appear to have gone into hibernate mode.

Please can you press my Power Button

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Lower Back Tattoo

Tramp Stamp or Artistic Expression?

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Bronze badge

@Tom

It's 'Kangaroo' surely ??

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IT Angle

What's the IT Angle?

I assume it's somewhere between 0 and 360 degrees? I'd guess at 42 for obvious reasons.

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Time

"if you've ever wondered whether time is indeed an effect of gravity"

Time is the 4th dimension. The universe is expanding. It is expanding into the 4th dimension. This movement in the 4th dimension is experienced as the passage of time. Gravity curves space, the local curvature affects how quickly a local region is expanding in the 4th dimension hence gravity changes how we experience time.

I think I learnt this in my physics GCSE while we were doing general relativity.

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Coat

Safety words?

Who ever needs anything other than PLUGH and XYZZY ?

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Anonymous Coward

Choosing the Right Question

Dearest Moderatrix,

Why is it that all the girls I like either don't like me, or have severe emotional problems that raise their ugly heads when you start getting settled?

How do I find my perfect woman?

Your gracious servant.

GW

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Heart

Career Advice

I'm currently on the payroll of a largish consulting company, but there doesn't appear to be any work for me or any of my colleagues in our specialist area (bureaucratic government stationery redesign).

Do you know anywhere else that could I get a job using my skills: section numbering, making boxes that are just slightly too small to fit all the answer into, dense incomprehensible jargon including but not limited to descriptions of what to do when clause A applies clause B does not and clause C is in the supplementary paperwork that needs to be ordered separately with a SAE sent to the address listed in form 1022V/ii (this form has been Crystal-Mark approved)

Ta muchly.

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Happy

If you were..

a potato, which type would you be?

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Paris Hilton

OK

If there REALLY is a God, why did S/He make Paris Hilton?

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Unhappy

My Wife is a Zergling

Dear Moderatrix,

Since my wife morphed into an adept Starcraft (I) player I refer to her as 'My Little Zergling'. Further, she presently approves of the term.

Yet, after a brief period of inward chuckling, I find I am uncomfortable in these lofty heights of the nerdosphere.

It must stop! What is to be done?

Yours,

PS. Please don't forbid me/us to play Starcraft II. Anything, *anything* but that...

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Coat

Biology homework

I'm revising for my A-level Biology exam, and can't work out the answer to one of the questions on the sample papers I'm using:

11. b) Why is the kidney the only organ to get it's own dish?

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Dear Moderatrix

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more, etc)

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Pirate

Driving me round the bend!

Can you explain why BMW drivers don't seem to understand what Indicators are for nor how they function?

Can you also explain why some BMW drivers seem to think that they are no longer BMW drivers since they sold the BMW and bought an AUDI?

Finally, is there any chance of me getting a bill through Parliament that would institute a BMW Drivers hunting season?

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Paris Hilton

Would you like...

A T-mobile Nokia 6650 to review? I'll accept payment in afternoon beers, plus 17.5% extra in peanuts.

Oh, and I have a younger female friend [she's old enough to drink legally - I'm not that bad] who seems to be really quite enamoured with me. Her on-again/off-again boyfriend has habit of being a complete tit with her and hurting her all the time, whereupon she comes to me for support. She's a good lass and could do far better.

My question is, should I convince her to chuck the bloke, and then take her for myself?

And

If I *do* take advantage of her trust in me, will I go to hell for it?

Oh mighty Moderatrix, I pray you shall push your opinion on me and force me to comply with the aid of nipple clamps and the cat o' nine tails.

Steven R

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Why

When I see comments on the reg that are pure drivel am I compelled to respond?

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Anonymous Coward

@Michael

Retrain as a LISP programmer.

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Thumb Up

Re: @ AC with Almera troubles

The fact that you would recommend a man requiring trousers with a 50" waist should jump in the air shows you do not have the required qualifications to be an Agony Aunt.

I suggest you crawl back into your hole before the Moderatrix returns and beats you to a damp pulp - unless that's you thing.

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A little inquiry

I met some chap(esse)s from the Inquirer a couple of nights ago, and (after informing me of the early cloning of the original organ) who seemed to claim they were holier than though, and worse, that they were funnier (no mention was made of journalistic integrity or quality).

Should I believe them and start to read their pages, or should I stay with what I know best and love most?

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Paris Hilton

questions...

It's obvious not to mix leather and latex, but is wearing a gasmask over leather an exception ?

What do you do when you've cuffed yer loved one, and forget to take of his/her bra ?

And on a more practical level: how the h3ll can you make latex clothes shine as much as they do in the pictures ? They always go dull after a few minutes, even with provided sprays. (and silicone spray is not an option for latex stockings when you have a nice hardwood floor. trust me on this one.)

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Go

Destruction list

When are you going to let Andrew Orlowski have his Optimus Prime back?

Now that he's destroyed Terminal 5 and Croydon, where will the Moderatrix be sending him before a final showdown with Megatron? Based on his current trajectory, I'd be worried if I lived in Sevenoaks...

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Why

Out of fashion advice...

Seditionaries bondage trousers or Granny takes a trip flares?

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Guy
Happy

Best Toy for Dioramas

I of course realise the current trend is for Play Mobile, which is all well and good.

But seriously wouldn't Lego be better?

Oh and megablox doesn't count, it is the inferior 3rd cousin who doesn't get invited to parties as it just doesn't fit in correctly.

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Bronze badge
Coat

So who's going to replace Who?

and is DT really leaveing?

I'd be sorry to see him go....

The One with the Stalk of Celery on it!!

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Anonymous Coward

Help

How many farts a day is considered normal?

Thank you for you help.

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Silver badge

Does...

...chewing gum really lose it's flavour on the bedpost over night?

Is there really a moose loose aboot this hoose?

And more seriously why did the moderatrix sensor my perfectly sensible, albeit sexist and condescending, analogy between windows versions and seasonal variations in women's shoe colours?

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Tongue

What does this taste like?

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Thumb Up

CSS vs Tables

What is your opinion? CSS or Tables on my website?

Can you do my website for me? I will repay you in anyway you deem fit?

P.S Can I keep my meatballs?

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Silver badge

New Releases and Document Version Hell

Dear Moderatrix,

I and a select group of acquaintences find ourselves currently embroiled in argument as to whether to undergo the trauma of yet another upgrade to a product that, although beloved by it's adherents, tends to break under the slew of successive post-release patches, not to mention that this product has a tendency to make all the published supplimental documentation obsolete with each release (despite promises to the contrary by the manufacturer), forcing an expensive re-education process and a library rebuild. We have split along partisan lines over this and cannot reach a consensus and so turn to you for the definitive answer:

Should we buy the new 5th edition of Warhammer 40K or stick with the (now widely seen as broken) 4th edition?

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Boffin

re. Driving me round the bend!

"Can you also explain why some BMW drivers seem to think that they are no longer BMW drivers since they sold the BMW and bought an AUDI?"

Easy; BMW and Audi drivers are interchangeable as both cars register the same high reading on the Top Gear Cock-o-meter (TM).

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Rob
Boffin

personal pronouns

why do people who want to be seen as non-sexist not realise that using "she" or "s/he" instead of "them" "they" & "their" makes them look like twats?

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Alert

Ms Moderatrix

Please tell me

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains, and why do pens only leak when they are in your pocket?

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Flame

re. Help

"How many farts a day is considered normal?"

One, but it shouldn't last for more than twelve hours, otherwise seek medical advice and stay away from naked flames.

I said avoid naked flames!!!

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Anonymous Coward

Note to Miss M.

I just appreciated that you have filed this under the Bootnotes section (long and rear-zipped would be nice).

Will you be promoted to the Dom-Editor soon?

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