" I am writing to inform you of an enhancement coming soon to your mail reading experience via [choose your snail-mail company of choice] service. While continuing to deliver the same fast and reliable mail service you’ve always received, innovative new technology enables us to provide you with an enhanced mail reading experience that is more customized to your interests and activities.
As a result, the advertising you typically see in your mailbox will better reflect the interests you express through your letters to your friends, family and bank. You will not receive more ads - just ads that are more relevant to you."
Of course, we will have to open and read every single letter that you send or receive, but trust us, it's for your own good.
If you are a retard that doubts the benefits of this improved service, you can send us a hand-written letter and we won't spy on you. Of course, if you happened to change the way you write, or the paper you use, or the colour of your ink, we would be entitled to resume our normal and legitimate spying activities.
Sincerely yours,
U. Pyourass
Sounds like a joke, right? Well, it ain't one.