Thank you for calling . . .
Thank you for calling the United States Strategic Air Command. Our mission is to use our multi-megaton thermonuclear deterrent to protect our nation. We can be reached from 9 AM to 2 PM Weekdays, Pacific Standard Time. Due to budget cutbacks, we regret that outside of those hours, no one will be available to take your message, so please use our answering machine or send us a fax. Alternatively, our e-mail is Armageddon1@SAC.gov.
For English, press one. For American, press two.
In case of nuclear attack, press one.
In case of alien invasion, press two.
Due to possible heavy call traffic, your call will be answered by the next available operator. Please be patient. All calls may be monitored for training, tracking and other security related purposes.
For all other matters and to inquire regarding customer support or about the next scheduled invasion of some third world country with proven or even rumored oil reserves, please write to SAC, post office box (classified), Area 51, Groom Lake, California 90210.
The Strategic Air Command appreciates your business.
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