To be fair, I did see a picture of the table in question - and it was definitely asking for it...

He could have at least brought it dinner first though...

When a man shags a picnic table, that is not news, but if a picnic table shags a man ...

Bellevue resident Art Price Jr, 40, molested the round metal table on four occasions "between the hours of 10:30 am and noon"

Four times in 90 minutes? Mighty impressive, Sir.

First bicycles, then vacuum cleaners, and now picnic tables.

Where will it end?

I can see how this is a news on the side of things, but I have to admit I fail to see the IT angle here... unless ofcourse the table was Vista compliant or indeed a Wifi-antenna...

Oooor the newest iSex addon til the naughty iPod/iPhone.........

.. was it a hardwood table?

Mine's the shabby flasher Mac, thanks.

"provided police with hard evidence of Price's perversion."

fnar fnar frnar.

He was clearly attempting a difficult join on the table..

Surely this could all be sorted out with a simple rollback?

"Four times in 90 minutes? Mighty impressive, Sir."

No. He had to keep stopping to get the splinters out.

Mayble it was a special version of Microsoft Surface. If not, the adult industry might want to patent the idea.

- Cucumber sandwiches anyone?

Has any organization gone out to talk to the table to work through this horrible violation of its civil liberties and to help it deal so that it does not in turn offend when it gets a bit older.

Com'on if it was Paris there would be videos everywhere.

His wife had asked him to "lay the table"...

Well no salad cream at his garden parties then

..will the parasol say when he gets home?

Will the tables be turned?

Maybe he was jealous of the action the parasol was getting,

Maybe he needed to loosen up the hole a bit, add some grease so to say,

Meybe he was upset as the parasol turned down his advances.

Paris, cause well it is sex and now floating the internet.

Does anyone else think something might be amiss when Captain "Johnson" says "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."

Which for a story about a man pleasuring himself using the umbrella hole in a picnic table is so apt....

Mines the one with the toy police badge pinned to it.

It was a Pivot Table ?

Sorry..

One has to wonder if the umbrella pole was *In* on the act.

Looks like he got all the way to Homebase.

"A woman's like cactus and cactus can hurt

'Cause she's just a tight-waisted winky-eyed flirt

She'll soon have your land and your pride and your gold

And bury you deep long before you grow old

A four legged friend, a four legged friend

He'll never let you down

He's honest and faithful right up to the end

That wonderful one-two-three-four legged friend"

http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/a/afourleggedfriend.shtml

@VampyreWolf: Observed temperatures in Bellevue, OH on March the 14th: 34-45°F (1-7°C) that might explain.

But that may also point out to nosy neighbours, in that weather on a metal table he'd have had a hard time to get hard, the guy might have invited the picnic table in, hence the uttermost arousal of the table & partner having sex in uncanny locations ... hmmm ... I'm getting carried away ... sorry.

Forgot to mention the guy's children's names: Al-Desk, Bench-amin & Chair-y.

So, how horny do you have to be, to be able to achieve orgasm by shoving your penis in either a splintery, hard table, or a cold steel tube? Never mind, not too sure I want to know...

So, he's dumped Rosie Palms & is now taken up with Patty O'Furniture.

...mine's the straitjacket.

...has nobody comments on what the police officer says "While sex with picnic tables is normally considered a misdemeanour"

NORMALLY????

FKN NORMALLY???? if there was ever an adjective used in completely the wrong way then this must take the biscuit.

Ahhh... my mistake, 'Normal' is such a subjective word... as in Normal for Norfolk... and now obviously Normal for America.. i learn such alot on El Reg.....

Paris Hilton because she might have been lying on the aforementioned table with Harry Potters cloak of invisibility on

Is is an April Fool's joke a day early?

Paris because she has taken a lot of stick, been captain of many johnsons, and probably been friendly with a few umbrella poles.

The Bloke shagging the table - or the chap videoing him shagging the table in the privacy of his Backyard.....

...he was unable to afford the new play tables the kids had wanted to play picnic with, and this was the only way he could think of getting new little tables.

This then begs the question as to why he was sodomising the table? Surely if the table was on all fours (as most tables are) then he would have been going through the back door (as it were). Someone really needs to explain this to the chap.

Mind you, some experience of sodomy might stand him in good stead for a stint in prison.

IT angle, if he was trying to create tables, "Access" would've been a lot easier.

This sounds like an APril Fools joke to me, if not, this man needs to have a good word with himself!

The question is "What is this guy used to?" Ouch! And to do it 4 times beggars belief.

Well we all know these self assembly instructions can be blurred or vague, so maybe he misunderstood "put complete erection in hole in centre".

I've noticed somewhat of an alarming increase in the number of people getting caught mid-coitus with inanimate objects... Perhaps enough to warrant a new section for the site - El-Sex-Offenders-Reg?

"FFS, you can't have sex, i.e. procreate with an inanimate object. This chap, the bicycle banger, the hoover humper and all the rest of them were using their 'partner' as masturbatory aids." (you were trying to think of 'table thumper' to go with bike banger and hoover humper?)

I thought the hoover was quite animated at the time.... don't know about the byke tho tis quite possible the poor thing was thrashing about, and as for this chap's 4 legged friend, well it's hard to say without seeing the UToob vid of the action. Those neighbors really ought post one of the vids they have!

Mines the one with the holopix of my five legged pal on the back...