back to article BOFH: Insecurity complex

It’s Mission Control late one morning and we’re giving the Boss a damn good listening to... “...and I’ve been talking to Jim from P.R and he says that we can probably do a little better on our machine maintenance because when he was working in a former company he managed to get a 48 per cent reduction in price by presenting …

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Does everyone know a Jeff...

.. cos i sure as hell do, BOFH back and damn cool to

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Getting the boss in on the act

That's gotta be an unlimited amount of goodwill for the BOFH and PFY now

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Anonymous Coward

finally ...

.. it hit a person who really deserverd it.

Posted anonymously because you never know who has a cattle prod

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It's a belter!

Mission Control is back on form...but the Boss is now in the clan, where will it all end?

It couldn't happen to a better victim, PR types are the scum of the earth - especially when they call themselves "Information officers"; they wouldn't recognise the truth if it bit them on the bum.

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Paris Hilton

My Jeff.....

.... is the head of our HR Department! He is the Sauron to our Gandalf!

Paris becasue she thinks "HR" is hormone replacement!

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Happy

oops

did he fall down that riser?

mwahaha!!

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Go

Only one Jeff?

I will have you know that I know at least twice as many Jeff's as anyone else, in fact when I was .............

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@Michael Jolly

I certainly do know a 'Jeff'. Unfortunately he happens to be one of my genetic donors :(

I still rememeber a conversation between him, myself (a mechanical and electronic engineer, and a car buff) and my brother (a mechanic from VW) in which we were discussing turbo/super-chargers and nitrous injection. It didnt help that it took about an hour to explain the rincipal involved in these (ie more oxygen=more power, simplified), after which he couldnt understand why we didnt carry around oxygen tanks for increasing power, and was convinced that he could make a fortune doing so. In the end my brother and I gave it up as a bad job and went out for a cig (or 3, it was very stressful). In everything he does, he is right. Always. If you use a different method to what he would do, you are wrong. If you suggest an alternative approach, you are wrong. If you have an idea, he has a better one, and you are wrong.

OK, enough bitching about my dad :)

Well done BOFH, removing another bullshitter from the human gene pool. Darwin would be proud!

(Oh and last week obviously worked wonders, the boss seems to have caught on)

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Coat

Just a wild stab in the dark...

I'm pretty sure the government assigns you a Jeff when you are born to make sure you direct all negative thoughts onto him rather than the current leadership.

The one with the tinfoil cap in the pocket, would you please?

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@Carol Yates

I'm sure the lads are just trying to lull the boss into a false sense of security.

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our jeff

we've got one : "Bullshit Barry" He's off to Iraq soon to work for 3K a week

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Alert

Erm wasnt the BS merch called Jim, not Jeff?

! because of the pendantary alert!

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Pirate

My Jeff...

Is a ninja. No, really. He's studied Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu (the name of the organisation that licences "official ninja schools" in the UK) since before birth (ok, since he was about 20), can smell blood at 100 feet (that one's a REAL CLAIM) and is an expert in every martial arts weapon, ever (so's that one).

He's an athletic 18 or so stones, and straps a knife to his bike (in case anyone steals it. He hasn't yet figured out that they would then have the knife, too).

He refuses to tell any of us where he trains, because it's a "secret school" (despite the Bujinkan listing openly where they teach), and the only instructor in the area (whom I know) has never heard of him.

This is particularly hilarious for me, as I'm a martial artist myself, and about the nearest he could get to a ninja is sumo wrestling. Whenever I ask him about something technical, he tends to stutter a bit and then mutter about "secret teachings".

AC just in case he reads this, and comes to give me the "Ninja Death Grip Of Doom (TM)"

Pirate logo because there isn't a ninja one. But pirates aren't as cool/deadly/hard as ninjas. Can we have a ninja logo PRETTY PLEASE???

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Happy

Actually...

...back in the day, we had a name for such people as Jim(/Jeff).

We called them "experts".

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@ Chika

And the definition of an expert?

An ex is something that has been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure.

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Two Jeffs

I used to work in an office where there were two Jeffs. I feel I have an insight into the cold war arms race as eventually one would 'push the button' blow his lid and they wouldn't talk to each other until the next thing to have an opinion about.

We need a mushroom cloud icon....

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Bob
Paris Hilton

@ Mark

Only 3k a week, i have a job lined up where i get 5k a week, all my expenses paid for and a fresh young virgin every evening...hopefully female.

PH because she's a virgin...she's just not very good at it.

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Dan
Paris Hilton

Ah Jim's =)

Yep plenty of these Jim's around and they don't have to be male either. My parents know one who no matter what you had done, she'd had it/done it better/worse. She got caught out when a family friend said that he'd had a vasectomy and it was really sore, and the woman proceeded to claim that she had also had a vasectomy but had nearly died. Despite attempts at asking if she meant hysterectomy she flatly claimed no no she'd had a vasectomy.

Mind you saying that one of my friends is 1000% bullshit. When we were at school he would make various ludicrous claims. it amused us no end lol

Paris....as she's as brain dead as the bullshitters !!

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Joke

Jeff

Whats the betting that Jeff spoke with a Yorkshire twang?

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@AC

Pirates may be as cool and hard as ninjas, but they're no where near as deadly. I mean, would you be more worried if someone told you they'd hired a ninja to kill you or a pirate?

We should definitely have a ninja logo. Or a pirate one. Because they both are pretty cool.

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@Dan

The friend who had the vasectomy should have asked the female "Jim" if she cared to compare scars.

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@Dan

I recall an elderly female acquaintance of mine recounted the time she was telling some friends about her angioplasty operation. Innocuous enough, but the word "angioplasty" completeley eluded her. The reaction of the little old ladies, listening agog to her experiences, underwent a wonderful change when the only word she could utter was "vasectomy".

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Re: Does everyone know a Jeff

Yes, I know a couple! One of them even fought in World War II, which is odd since he's only in his 50s.

Another will quite happily talk to anyone about anything and claim to be an authorative figure on the subject, despite that fact that he's never done a days work in his life!

Fire, because I feel like burning quite a few people in a great big bonfire today.

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@ Pedant

Jim will have the satisfaction of knowing he died Right - the open riser *was* a safety hazard.

Thanks - pass me the hi-viz one with Kevlar stab/dog bite protection, transceiver for finding me under the rubble, built-in bouyancy aid and UNION SAFETY REP on the back.

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Stop

What 'Jeff'???

I'd just like to say RTFA- His name's Jim, not Jeff.

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Pirate

@ AC

Wow, he gives modern day ninpo schools a bad name!

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Alien

Really good Jeffs?!

My Jeff has our company compleley snowed over. They think she is just great. I am just waiting for the sh*t to bite them in the arse. It will be an amusing day.

We need to implant these people with BS meters on their foreheads so we can tell how full of it they actually are.

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Ninja or pirate? How about both!

Chris the Ninja Pirate

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/kungfu/

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Anonymous Coward

That is why things get Jeffed up!

I have to agree with the Jeff thread. It was so bad at one place I worked we had a term for it, things got Jeffed Up.

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Jim, not Jeff

Problem is, if you take out Jim he finds a Larry H Parker to sue you for millions, so the company has to pay him even more money not to work than it was paying him before.

A previous employer used to use their Jim to their advantage. They'd team him with you. If you complained he was not doing work they'd shovel all the work into your lap, and make an entry in a book somewhere about him. Trouble was, he had been there 25 years and was union (a unionized systems engineer!), so he couldn't be fired. Saw it happen over and over again. I heard he never got raises, but he never did any work for the company either so that's expected.

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Alien

My "Jeff"

Classic "Jeff moment" KNOWING we were heading towards his home town, a colleage at uni proceded to tell a group of use how he'd given directions to a lost MFI furniture lorry, only to realise after they'd driven off that the road had a low arched bridge. AND of course later saw the truck with the imprint of the bridge in the fron of the cargo box (Doesn't realise most are NOT made of metal)

He gave enough detail to make it sound almost convincing, including clear enough info about the road. So as we drove the road we videod it, end to end.

Back at uni, we sat down and made some comment about the story before showing a photo of the road, he convirms it, then we show the video. OOPS . . . there was NO bridge. But yes I think EVERYONE knows at least ONE Jeff.

They're not placed by governments though, the A L I E N S left them.

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IT Angle

My sister

Who told me, to my face, in front of witnesses, that she knows more about computers than I do.

I have a degree in CS, at the time, I had been a professional software developer for 20 years, and had been playing with computers for over 30.

She was an English major, who never got her degree.

Every now and then, I and the rest of the family take some fun in noting that she knows more about my job than I do.

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Anonymous Coward

Ours is Head of Group Development...

and he doesn't have a clue. He goes into meetings with non-technical departments and tries to dazzle them with acronyms so they think he's really clever.

My boss and one co-worker have already left because of him (he only came into the company a few months ago).

The questions is how long until I follow them...

I hate Jeffs/Jims

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There is a ninja logo.

See? I've used it right here.

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We have a word for Jim's here

We call them 'consultants'. :)

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Paris Hilton

The Canucks found a whole country of Jeffs ...

... just south of their border. The comedy show "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" had a regular segment by Rick Mercer called "Talking to Americans". They'd make up some outrageous Canadian "news" story, then head south and ask Americans what they thought. Results? Absolutely hilarious.

Back in 2001, they even got Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee to wish Canadians encouragement on preserving their Parliamentary Igloo from melting. Just google "Huckabee igloo". Hey wait ... haven't I heard that name somewhere else ... ?

Paris 'cuz she'd make a better prez than Huckabee.

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Linux

Jim..

In the last place I (allegedly) worked there was a 'Jim'. Nicknamed 'Two Shits' cos guaranteed if you said you'd been for a shit that morning.........

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Boffin

Where this came from

Many years ago I was hostelling in London and there was this bloke there who we called 'The Revolution'. He would sideline any new person and talk about their travel plans and then go on to poke holes at thier proposed destination because when HE was there it was much better, more interesting, gritty, realistic, accessible, etc. Especially Berlin, which he'd apparently spent some time at when the wall was still up. Our favourite quote - and hence his name - came from when someone was going to 'do europe' and then travel to some place in South America, to which our bloke said "Oh, it's really gone downhill. It was so much better before the revolution". Sack of cack.

But everyone's an expert in IT. If you can drive a pocket caculator without getting an E, you're it.

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Pirate

@conan

Agreed, ninjas are more deadly than pirates... But what about a ninja pirate?

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/yarr/

Jolly Roger seems rather appropriate here...

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s

My Jeff was in the SAS

And was a multi-millionaire.

And only worked becuase he lied it soo much

And lived in one of the biggest houses in Amsterdam

And...

And...

And...

And pissed off his co workers enough for them to make a web site dedicated to his bull.

Anonymous as I'm sure ex-colleagues of mine who read this will know who I am talking about...

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Poor Little Rich Kids .... Sugar Daddies Pets?

Now there's magic for you ..... Jim became a Jeff in a jiffy although they're both recognised as right Jessies.

And talking of blowhard Jessies, the likes of which could do with the "attentions" of the BOFH and PFY and the Boss, now that he's coming round to more lateral thinking, this is very clear with the End being just the start of a different kind of the Beginning for some who should have known better. ...... and it is dedicated to all them Jessies out there ..... http://docs.google.com/TeamPresent?revision=_latest&fs=true&docID=ddv7hj34_03774hsc7&skipauth=true

I doubt whether the blow is worth it though. And it make you think and possibly even realise that the Markets are awash with Jims and Jeffs doing a Line and Spinning a Yarn and Totally Dysfunctional and therefore Vulnerable and Hopeless and Virtually Helpless.

Masters of the Universe? Only in their own scrambled minds, maybe?

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Authors notes...

I like it!!

Yes, everyone has had the experience.

Then again, I can say (with photographic proof mind you) that I've further south on earth than anyone (except an astronaut, but that's not earth!). Yes it was a while ago (over 30 years), and I was doing IT (we called it computers then) stuff as well.

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@ sir Travaglia

An accompanying word by the BofH-master himself: what an honour that he came to read this comments! Mind you, I remember when I emailed him 8 years ago from Ireland that he is a true inspira <ZZZAAAAPPPP>

[black plastic with zipper and 'bodybag']

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Paris Hilton

Yank asks: Riser?

What's a "riser"?

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Reminds me of "Centigrade Jack"

Anything you said had to be halved and at least 10 removed from it to convert to reality....

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Coat

Other Jeffs/Jims

What about the Jeffs/Jims that do apparently know everything even though we don't care?

I can't count the time wasted listening to hours upon hours about perfume or wine or some video game intricacies or the color of the power supply cables on a PDP 8/e.

Arrg, just thinking about him makes me want a pint.

Why yes, thank you, the one with the Persian cashmere belt (only found on the underside of a rare species of underground frog) and the filigree buttons (from a small craftsman in the back room of a coffee shop once frequented by the Duke of Earl) and matching (oh never mind)...

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I remember my Jim...

Ninja naturally, or was it vampire? He never could tell the difference. Oh, and a crack shot with any gun you'd care to name.

He went paintballing with a group of us, and we got our revenge. He was about our only target - on both sides.

At one point, he tried hiding behind a tree that was only 1 foot wide - unfortunately for him, he was about FOUR feet wide. Cue hilarious Benny Hill blooper theme.

He ended the day dripping with paintballs, with a scar on his cheek because he disdained face masks "Goggles are enough for me; heck, I'd just wear my glasses most of the time because I don't get hit anyway" and lo and behold, he was actually quiet for a month afterwards.

The only thing he was good at was playing the didgeridoo, and he was actually GOOD at it. Maybe if he'd've plied that dedication to his ninjutsu...

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Watershed moment....

OMFG! The Boss actually showed some common sense and a glimmer of self preservation. What next? the PFY and BOFH walking on water? What other miracles will we be blessed with?

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Pirate

Wonderful

Between this and last week's "Silence of the Servers," BOFH is truly back on his game. Also I agree, we really need a ninja icon!!!

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@Chika

An expert is someone who spends their life learning more and more about less and less until they now everything about nothing

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