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back to article Jedi to open Surrey academy

Wannabe Jedi Knights are advised to brush up on their lightsaber techniques, dust off their copy of the Jedi Handbook, and get down to Surrey, where two Star Wars aficionados have announced their intention to open a training centre dedicated to promoting the popular alternative religion. The plan is the brainchild of Daniel …

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Good luck to them

Well, I can't see the difference between basing a religion on some fictitious, fanciful notion portrayed in a work of fiction, and any other religion (which tend to be fictitious, fanciful notions portrayed in works of fiction)

Oh, actually, I can think of one difference - I'm guessing the Jedi folk won't be trying to subjugate and control the masses in order to fuel their own personal megalomaniac tenancies.

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Boffin

Acolytes in black t-shirt and black jeans

Slightly grubby with coke and pizza stains???

Sounds like your typical Star Wars-obsessed geek working at your local helldesk to me.

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Go

Just over the county border from the Scientologists....

Now that should be an interesting fight on a friday night if they have a shared "local" ,

the Hordes of Xenu vs. the Knights of the Republic!

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GROW UP!

21 years old?

A certain Mr Pegg has a few things to say about this:

"...You don't know what it was like, you weren't there at the beginning, you don't know how important it was...

<Bailey> But what about the Ewoks, they were rubbish...

...Jah Jah Binks makes the Ewoks look like fucking Shaft!"

21 year old Jedi master my fucking arse.

BTW it IS only a film...

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Joke

Whatever...

pseudo-religious, science fiction based mumbo-jumbo will people fall for next. (It was just a MOVIE! GET OVER IT!) Before you know it it'll be attracting all sorts of celebrities, swearing by it's precepts.

What?

That's happened already?

Surely not?

Well I never.

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@Rich

"I'm guessing the Jedi folk won't be trying to subjugate and control the masses in order to fuel their own personal megalomaniac tenancies."

Or we won't notice it if they are. Because these are not the megalomaniacs we're looking for.

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@ Rich

Actually, according to the 6-part DVD documentary I own, they do turn bad sometimes...

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Sam
Coat

Question

How does Darth Vader know what Luke got for Christmas?

Answer; he felt his presents.

Brown cloak already on...

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Joke

Just for laughs

"Well, I can't see the difference between basing a religion on some fictitious, fanciful notion portrayed in a work of fiction, and any other religion"

Obviously neither do the scientologists *sigh*

Then theres the bible... We all remember what happened when they found the first page...

"Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon-dated in Bonne. If genuine, it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read, "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders."

George Lucas on the other hand... Now just because the stories were delivered to him in the company of Ewoks by a gold plated android does not mean they are any less real!

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Yoda with a Welsh Accent?

"lovely there is, boyo"

To be honest, I can find nothing wrong with this. Good luck to them.

@Fraser : "BTW it IS only a film..." : yes, but the Bible and Koran are just books. Both written when they still believed the world was flat.

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This is the End

While it was "just a film", putting 'Jedi' on one's census was a good way to register a protest at the government's plans to turn us into a religious state. When people really <i>do</i> take it seriously, though, we secularists have a problem. Any suggestions as to how we can register a protest at the next census?

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Paris Hilton

to mis-quote Mr Vimes

Where's the money at?

fleecing wannabees ain't a crime and it's catering to the 'needs' of a potentially affuent client-base... and i bet they get business grants too..

there's money in them there geeks!

Paris, cos we need a Paris Academy.. no wait, that's over in Essex

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Happy

Well

Given when I see multi-faith charts I dont see Jedi upon them.

When somebody goes to do jury service, no copy of Star Wars can be found to allow a Jedi to swear in so they a forced to afirm.

Well, given those two facts alone, how long until they sue for descrimination, as for me it will put the whole relegion thing into perspective.

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Coat

Praise The Golden God!

He is mighty and will deliver us from this land in his ship of plenty that sometimes doesn't work unless you wallop it.

Walloping things makes them work.

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Alien

So does anyone here still remember that other Jedi Academy?

IIRC it was in Romania.

So how's that been getting on with these days??

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"This is going worldwide."

Setting his sights a little low surely?

Wouldn't "This is going galactic." be more realistic?

Maybe they could help out with the errant satellite too.

On the next census, we could all put Neo/The One.

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Dan

Been done

Actually, if it's just about becoming a better person through martial arts, meditation, and general self-improvement, I think you'll find a rather large number of martial arts schools throughout the country can already teach this, with the added bonus of genuine expert (read older, more experienced) instructors.

Not the kick-boxing places that just teach you to kick and punch, obviously, but find a decent Wu Shu, Bushido school etc and you're in business.

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suggestion

: Any suggestions as to how we can register a protest at the next census?

Put "Sith"

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Anonymous Coward

@Neil Hoskins

Well you could try 'pagan' 'witch' 'wicca' ' blairite' or as a real laugh

conservative, labour, or liberal.

Just as much a faith in a fanciful work of fiction and I guess therefore a religion

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Theyv't got nothing on LOTR fans

Whilst Star Wars geeks maybe the template for grubby underpants wearing, spotty nerds of film fan-dom, nothing and I mean nothing, beats the utter level sadness that is Lord of the Rings fans; Star Wars fans are ambassadors or dignity compared that lot.

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Coat

We need the academy

...Afterall the dark lord of the sith is here in the white house, Bush and his apprentice Blair. (Now spreading the word...)

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Coat

OMG

I think it's just a cheap trick to get high ranking jobs in the police...

Because that's the only way these guys will ever get to "use the force".

BTW: "Paris, cos we need a Paris Academy.. no wait, that's over in Essex" -- NO, that /is/ Essex.

Mine is the brown robe hanging next to that purple light-sabre.

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Pirate

How......?

are they teaching lightsabre techniques?? I mean, really, HOW??

"OK, imagine this stick is actually a lightsabre. Now I'm going to teach you certain techniques that would only work if it WAS a lightsabre, and you also have telekinetic Force powers. Which of course you do."

As a martial artist, I want to sit in on one of these just for the grins.

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@ Neil Hoskins

"Any suggestions as to how we can register a protest at the next census?"

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

The Invisible Pink Unicorn

Bob

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Lightsabre training?

Just how the hell do you train using a technology that doesn't exist? And those Jedi mind tricks? How many of those geeks are going to get the living crap beaten out of them because they ignored the second half of their fight or flight response in favour of pseudo-mind control when face-to-face with their enemies? Spare us.

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@ b166er

"On the next census, we could all put Neo/The One"

Shouldn't that be 'the path of Neo'?

How about 'the way of Gordon'? - just in case the Combine *do* turn up...

Or (my personal favourite) 'Kama Sutra; make love not war' - bringing about global peace through spreading the love in a variety of interesting ways...

Mine's the one with the jumbo pack of Durex in the pocket...

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@P Saunders

"...Just how the hell do you train using a technology that doesn't exist? And those Jedi mind tricks?..."

Ah, I see you do not believe.... This is why you fail (*), young Saunders...

(*) ...or maybe you've just got your head screwed on? :-)

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Happy

Genetic Manipulation...

@ P Saunders

This element should help to enrich the gene pool. Expect to see one of these 'Jedi' in the "Darwins" in the not too distant future (about 2 years, after they complete their 'training'!)

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Paris Hilton

What these guys need...

Is a girlfriend.

Paris, of course.

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Coat

@ fraser & dervheid

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

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@Neil Hoskins

You could try "Bright" (http://www.the-brights.net/)

Anyhoo. Sounds like an excuse for a bit of a laugh. Can't honestly see them trying to use their "powers" for real, and it's a reasonable way to find a bunch of like-minded people to have a giggle with down the pub. In my younger days I'd probably have been up for it myself...

Praise Bob indeed.

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Boffin

good idea, bad name

I think it's not a bad idea- if they are truly promoting peace and order - hopefully not with a blend of Lucas-style capitalism. I say go for it, but I think the usage of the word 'church' is probably a bad idea. Not only does it suggest some hidden Christian undertone, it may turn people away by association of the word. Jedi Temple, being the description used within the star wars universe, would seem to me to have been a better choice.

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It's just a name...

At the end of the day, Jedi, Scientology, Christian etc. are all just a label used to try and describe what someone believes in a general context. Whilst in this day and age, it's become very popular to ridicule all religions, actually having a belief and living to a better moral code is nothing to be ashamed of.

They're not actively trying to turn others to their beliefs, nor do they seem to be trying to con people out of their money. All in all, rather benign and not worth worrying about!

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Coat

"pseudo mind-control" - P Saunders

From my understanding, neuro-linguistic programming isn't so much "these are not the droids you're looking for; move along" as choosing words, tones, etc to diffuse a situation.

It works, but then from experience so does pointing over their shoulder, shouting "UNEXPECTED SHEEP!" and legging it to a taxi rank.

And Lightsaber technique would be, I'd assume, similar to the swordsmanship techniques of old. Except with a pretty powerful gyroscope in the handle to make it a little more "realistic".

As someone further up said, imagine the LOTR equivalent... "right, wear these furry slippers and carry this nice heavy osmium ring round your neck, then lets walk for a week or two.", or nights out where 20 furry-slippered nerds shuffle up to the bar, order a few lagers and declare loudly "IT COMES IN PINTS?!"

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Alien

If you think this is silly . . .

. . . then you need to be reminded of David Ike.

As Yoda might say (if he wasn't CGI and latex) "Life you need to get a".

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@Neil Hoskins

If any census needs to know my religion, I religiously believe in Murphy's law. Therefore religion gets marked as 'Murphist'

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Coat

@Keith T

"Life you need to get a".

Shouldn't that be

"A life you need to get, umm".

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Dead Vulture

Make it real

no.we cant give them real lightsabers.. but i do believe they need to spar with live steel, sharpened to as fine an edge as possible. real lightsabres are deadly. we owe it to their training to make it as realistic as possible. not only will the steel inflict injury, but as they are being used for lightsabre simulation, any limb suffering a wound will be amputated and the stump cauterized. in case of a torso or head injurty, the wounded trainee will be killed in an object lesson designed to teach the students how deadly serious the use of a lightsabre is, encouraging them to focus on peaceful resolutions to problems

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Dan
Stop

By Suspicious Git

Tsk tsk keep that comment to the Wiccan's. Don't include the Pagans and Witches in there. (Big difference between us and Wiccans.) And yes some do believe in some weird rubbish, but some of us (Traditional Witches for example) believe in more sensible things.

Fair point about the political parties though. lol

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Happy

@Dan - Witches?

So - you're a witch then?

At this point I am very eager to hear in great detail all about the "sensible things" you believe in. Not because I'm interested, but more for the inevitable onslaught of derision that only Reg readers can unleash.

Game on.

PS - please don't put a spell on me via the magic of TCP/IP

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Happy

@ Adam Foxton / PRENATAL BIRTH

UNEXPECTED SHEEP is brilliant!

A friend of my father used to get into cricket matches through the members' entrance by saying "PRENATAL BIRTH" quickly. Simply befuddle people and their linguistic centres crash and need to reboot. I hear unexpected quotes of Shakespeare help in this respect.

My judo teacher allways said doing the 100 m (714.28571 lg) dash in 12 seconds or less was the best self-defense, but first resetting your opponents brain helps a treat.

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Boffin

Qualified technologist

@ Adrien

that would be "Murphyite" (anything that can go wrong, will), and for the devout practitioner, "High-Church Murphyite" (most things go wrong, given time - consider a government, any government...).

technologists have a special affinity for the way of Murphy, because we study and maintain arcane, complex systems for a living. engineers used to be the only known practicing Murphyites, but progress and entropy have made the faith much more pervasive.

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Stu
Alien

Who the hell...

...bestowed upon them the title of Jedi Master exactly, did Lucas pop over and give them his blessing!?

Anybody have a midichlorian counter gadget I could borrow?

They may not currently be as insidious as the Scientologist nuts, but they sound like a bunch of chancers out to extort cash from certain fat people, you know, ones who feature in internet video virals poncing around with plastic light sabers. This IS how scientology started out.

...But I suppose its no different to handing your cash over to Linden Labs or Blizzard entertainment.

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Anonymous Coward

Becoming a better person thru general self improvement

Ah. We are all Masters now of ourselves and our logic therefore.

So, anyone want to get together and start The Real Church of Mathematics?

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Linux

Now who can we get as the "axis of evil"

Anyone planning to build a "death star" anytime soon?

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@Steve Carter

Stop faking the sith.

Sorry, better get my good teeth in...

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Dead Vulture

@Evil Graham - Ducks

Oh come on, surely you know the way to find out rather than just *asking* if he's a witch!

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Alien

Elron would be pleased

Will there be classes in Sith studies?

I'd imagine you would need to be an advanced Jedi Master then specialize in Sith.

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@ Peter Fielden-Weston

"Or we won't notice it if they are. Because these are not the megalomaniacs we're looking for."

Or because they will have mind-tricked us into believing that they aren't.

The helmet and astmathic vocal chords please.

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@Eduard Coli

Obviously the Sith courses would be Knight classes....

PS Since my longer answer didn't get through:

Frasier, I completely agree (is the sarcasm tag on?)! How DARE grown ups have fun and play about!!! We are meant to be SERIOUS and SENSIBLE grown ups! Leave playing for the children!!!!

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