yeah, don't be stupid enough to glue yourself to far from the bar!!

"...while unable to get to the bar for essential refreshment..."

Or the toilet, presumably. Nice.

would it be possible to just go ahead and glue a cold pint to my hand and call it a day?

Much needed relief on a dreary day in the office.

I would have thought that Reg hacks would have been well used to one-handed typing....

I bet he instead spent the afternoon surfing "one-handed websites", rather than doing any actual work

What kind of parent would have rewarded that behavior be leaving the television on?

I would have switched it off (as mentioned by Anonymous Coward above) or switched to C--SPAN or some such.

I broke my foot to get out of PE. It worked a treat!

@ Joel Osborn - a parent who obviously doesn't think it's that big of an issue.

I've heard of suffering from a sticky mattress...

I would add

2.5- Feed him caffeinated sodas and chocolate Ex-Lax and let him stew in his own juices for awhile.

...there is too much of a BOFH feel to this.

If he was a Nordic god, someone else would glue him to the floor, against his will. But then again he would free himself, if only with much hammer damage to the place...

Vulture because that's the closest to an eagle.

Too bloody right! The moral is, go far enough from the office that it's too much trouble to send someone after you, and plan in advance - you're not "taking a long lunch," you're "doing field research."

How's the pub brew in Scotland? Does anyone at El Reg know? Who's going to find out?

[Flavius Maximus] Mrs Caesar? Can you tell us anything about your husband's death?

[Calpurnia] I told him! I told him 'Julie don't go!!'

Yes, the Driza-Bone, please, and the battered Akubra

"2.5- Feed him caffeinated sodas and chocolate Ex-Lax and let him stew in his own juices for awhile."

but who's going to clean up the mess?

HE SUPERMAN'D HIMSELF!! HAHAHAHAHA

"supermanning that ho" involves using adhesive to attach a girl to the sheets on a bed, making it look like she has a cape