Microsoft is touting $300m in advertising pork to the shiny suits of Madison Avenue in return for a smart way to pimp its lacklustre web services. "They are trying to make Windows cool, relevant and internet-centric," one contender agency is reported as saying in the New York Post. "They don't want to be seen as a stodgy …
"We're shit and we know you know that we know we are but how about you buy stuff anyway?"
Seems to have worked out pretty well for them so far...
Do no Evil
No. Wait. Someone already has that. Don't do to much evil, or at least try not to be noticed.
More to come soon. Just need the ritalin to kick in.
I know the one they'll chose
How clever is that. If they don't come up with that one for $300m i'll feel let down.
Live search. Like the name says, it takes as long to get a good result as if you, a live being, were searching by hand!
Just when you thought Microsoft Works was an oxymoron.
WINDOWS LIVE SERVICES
Waiting to Service YOU
Not just the rubbish site that comes up when you type a URL wrong.
What happened to The Beast
Since when did you stop referring to M$ as The Beast. This over sight is unsettling, we should never forget who the enemy is.
[a] We're not dead yet! (a la Python)
[b] Not as bad as you heard.
[c] Quite useable, really.
[d] A compelling solution for...forrr...ummm...
[e] Like almost using Office!
[f] You have to admire our nerve for pushing this stuff...
[g] Exciting product with a name more accurate than "Works".
[h] We take your money more slowly (giant sucking noise now a pinhole leak).
Be all you can be
To paraphrase Karen Dunbar -
"Windows LIve - Its the Best We Can Do"
Sums it up for me
OK, how's about...
"Windows Live Services - now the Internet can be just as f***ed up as your PC."
"Windows Live Services - trying to flog the pointless to the clueless."
"Windows Live Services - finding innovative new ways to miss the Internet boat all over again."
"Windows Live Services - all your shit are belong to us."
"Windows Live Services - too incompetent to do any evil."
or I'll get me coat shall I?
Microsoft Live and let die.
Lose the name
Don't brand it MSN. Windows or Microsoft
Cut the bloat, make it simple and user friendly.
Don't overload it with adverts.
Use a clean simple look, concentrate on the features and making things easy to use, not how it looks or use it as a technology testing ground (ie. Passport).
Don't spam users or disable the ability for them to mark your irrelevant news as junk.
Or the chair gets it!
I am sorry
even for three million can't think of a thing.
How about ...
How about ...
"Just use us. You know we will destroy the competition anyway so you might as well."
or better still:
"Microsoft Paris Hilton Gets Her Tits Out Live".
Microsoft Live Services
Microsoft Live Services - It sort of, y'know, "does stuff"
What PR thinks is yoof:
Microsoft Live Services - How Cool is That?[TM]
Microsoft Live Services - Like Google, but from Microsoft!
My opinion version:
Microsoft Live Services - Who gives a shit!
on a mac, you can install live?
I tried looking at live.com (a near rip-off of google.com), and was told I could install Windows live on my machine. Great. I've got a mac. Let's see how far you can go with this one.
Select files, otherwise agree to everything under the sun, and you can download the file. Clever Microsoft. Install windows live messenger etc. on a mac via a windows download?
No browser checking. shame on them. Wait, this is microsoft who thinks windows rules the world...? never mind...
Please post $300m cheque to...
Windows Live Search - the unspeakable in pursuit of the unreadable.
Windows Live - Swindle, I vow.
Windows Live - we paid $300m for this shit so you'd better visit us... or we'll /cry/.
Windows Live - not just for Bill Gates' mother anymore!
Windows Live - you know that pointless dungheap you get inexplicably dumped to when you log out of Hotmail? That's us.
Windows Live - do no evil. Hey, Google gets away with it, and we don't even spend our spare time merrily throwing Chinese journalists to cattle-prod wielding Thought Police.
Wrong name, implys blame
Should have called it something catchy and hidden the branding like find.com, iwant.com or gimmie.com
then the video marketing campaign of a man in front of a screen with the site open, cursor blinking in the search box.
thinking of all the possibilities the web has to offer he finally types ... 'porn'
his little face lights up as the results come back and the tag line reads
'we know what you really want today'
Microsoft Live: Now please restart the internet to complete the installation.
Windows Live - Shocking!
You must incetivize
"Windows Live: Use it - we have your family!"
"Windows Live - because Google like to drown puppies."
cashback for search... and i'll use M$ search, half revenue to end users...
Hand me the cash now please...
Windows Live - It may be difficult to use, but at least it's slow.
Windows Live: Like Xbox Live, Only Not Fun.
Use the huge windows installed base to get
Windows Live - More Porn for Windows Users!
live, its better than altavista
live, fashion victim 2.0
Live, the comedy version of your desktop apps now appearing at weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs!
Windows Live, when AOL isn't sufficiently useless!
Windows Live - it's what your PC has been waiting for.
(Literally.. ever since we installed a sneaky trojan on your machine during a Windows Update last year, a clock has been ticking. We = teh sneakeh)
Windows Live - Get it before we install it on your machine anyway as an upgrade.
Windows Live - now with added Facebook.
Windows Live - how do you use yours?
Windows Live - better than Windows Dead.
Windows Live - we spent $300m advertising this, ogle the models and buy into the spin or the next $300m we spend might have to go on actually producing a decent product.
"Windows Live. It's crap, you don't want it, but it's bundled with the O/S and YOU CAN'T TURN IT OFF!!!!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"
"Windows Live. We didn't really want to make this, but Intel give us a shed-load of cash to come up with things to sell faster CPUs."
"The Internet. Some people think it could be safer. Some people think it could be better presented. Some people think that it could be easier to find what you want. We agree. But we only had fourpence and twentyfive minutes to spare. Windows Live."
And the winner is
Windows Live - The service you deserve!
Waste of Wonga.
No sorry that was the Vista strapline.
Dear My good friend,
My name is Mr B Gates. The sum of $300000000 (Three Hundred Million Dollars) has come in to my posetion. I am wishing to move this out of the country. Due to our banking laws I am unable to do this myself. All you must do to gain a share of this money is use Windows live for 1 (One) week.
Mr B Gates
Having thought about it I think most people would trust the boys from Nigiria.
They might try ...
"It's alive!" Windows Live - it's not just another pretty face.
Superimposed on the appropriate still from James Wales' Frankenstein.
There's a tagline which would work for all Microsoft products, and also be a good contemporary yoof slogan.
"Buy Windows - it's standard!"
Cash... and in small bills, please...
Windows Live - Sucks slightly less than Vista!
Windows Live - You want to go *WHERE* today?!!?
Windows Live - Click here to add the Brooklyn Bridge to your shopping cart.
Windows Live - BWAAA-HAA-HAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Windows Live - We've also got some land in Florida that's above mean sea-level!
Windows Live - "Live"... Ye-e-e-a-a-a-h-h-h... "Live"... That's the ticket... (Note: Get Jon Lovitz to voice this one.)
Windows Live - Because we know that you'll buy anything!
Windows Live - I'm Ming the Merciless, and I approve this message.
"Windows May Be Broken ...
... But that makes us a Breath of Fresh Air"
Honesty in advertising?
I doubt it!
Windows live - crapping in the hand that feeds IT.
Windows live - now you can wipe with both hands.
Windows live - Lets shake on it.
Windows live - I promise I won't cum in your mouth.
Like Smokin a Phatty
You gotta market to the younger generation!
Windows Live - Just like Smokin a Phatty (Seems like a good idea at first, then leaves you paranoid and craving something substantial)
Windows Evil - deals with typos
Resistance is futile, you WILL be assimilated (Win XP and 2000 only. Vista support soon(ish). Win 98 not supported. iMicrosoft iLive ifor iMac iavailable ivia iTunes. *nix version carefully compiled to cause kernel panic in 100% of *nix and Linux variants.)
No warranty supplied or implied. Unauthorised copying will result in demonic possession of your children (Effects of this are not apparent in teenagers)
Something more apt
Windows Brown Wire - Quality Sh*t on Demand.
(P.S. For those who've never wired a UK plug - Brown Wire = Live)
On a screen of blue.
Fu*ks up your mind,
And your computer too.
Windows Live - Why?
Windows Live - Don't even think of visiting using Linux
Windows Live - When we suck, you suck too.
Windows Live - The world is not enough.
Windows Live - Assimilate and extend.
Windows Live - We are not a commodity.
Windows Live - Better dead than Windows.
Windows Live - You'll wish you were dead.
Windows Live - You'll wish M$ was dead.
Windows Live - Spam, not content.
Windows Live - Only one ActiveX plugin away...
Windows Live - Where clear thinkers dare to tread.
Windows Live - A World of Pain.
Windows Live - Abandon all hope.
Windows Undead is here (and as soon as SP1 arrives it might even work)
You must restart your computer to complete the downloading of your search results
M$ Live - The Interweb Searches You.
M$ Live - Because we will break everything else.
M$ Live - Extending the WORD.DOC monopoly again.
M$ Live - Because "Good Enough" is what we say it is.
Has anyone tried it yet?
Windows Live - When someone sends you a message you can view it without having to install some stupid application to your page first, allowing third parties access to your private data, which you can't delete
Windows Live - Might look boring but it does work
Windows Live - Hey at least it's not Apple
Windows Live - We only use your information internally unlike other services we could mention
Windows Live - Be Different, everyones on those other sites
Windows Live - No ones ever been invited to be turned into a zombie on live
Windows Live - Unless your a Mac user, you'll find the apps / interface really easy to use, if you are a Mac user look over there, it's shiney, look at it sparkle, pretty
Windows Live - Has anyone actually tried using it?
Windows Live - Allows grandma to see photos of their grandchildren
Windows Live - For people with real friends who don't need to have 200+ fake online pals to play with
Windows Live - It's like Radio 2, all the services you used to get from that trendy Radio 1 place, but for grown ups