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back to article El Reg fires up online standards converter

Well, you asked for it, and now you've got it - we're delighted to announce the launch today of a Reg standards converter which can, at the click of a mouse button, tell you your height in linguine, your other half's weight in Jubs or indeed the speed at which you're currently travelling as a percentage of the theoretical …

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Genius

I think that this should rank as perhaps the most significant IT contribution of 2007.

And tonight, I shall be mostly travelling home at an average speed of 0.0004% of the maximum velocity of a sheep in a vacuum.

How did we live before this!

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Paris Hilton

Temperature

If you put 1 Hilton, it calculates 30 degrees Celcuis, but -20.889 Farenheit, which seems a bit cool for the Hilton 1

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Coat

Surely everyone knows...

the standard volume measurement is the Am.

Have none of you ever drunk at the Technique and Ferret?

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Coat

One Glaring Omission

We all know that the amount of beauty required to launch one ship is the milliHelen, based on the metric unit the Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships.

I've searched your conversion device from top to left and bottom to right, and find no trace.

Please remedy this with all speed; launch date is set for Tuesday week.

How many vultures will I need?

And are they Gift Vultures or Rook Tokens?

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Coat

Error

Apparently, a Norris is only 0.1 kilonewtons - clearly false! Chuck could kill Newton a hundred times over.

What's that? Yes, that's mine. Ta.

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Paris Hilton

I got stuck in Hilton's box

Whilst attempting to calculate the office temperature in Hn (a disappointing 0.1) I found myself stuck in the text box, unable to escape and no amount of tabbing or clicking would let me escape.

As it's Friday afternoon, I can't be arsed to give a critique of your JavaScript so I'll just go back to measuring my stationery and converting it to ln.

Nice work.

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Jobs Horns

Too Clever By Half!!!

your foot is 12.0009 inches

Your 12 inches is 0.999 feet.

Sack the software programmer!!!

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Paris Hilton

Re: Temperature

What's more, if you put in 30 degrees Celsius, it calculates 1 Hilton, which seems correct, but 86 degrees Fahrenheit. Consistency anyone?

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But, but - the width of a human hair!

I'm shocked, *shocked*, that you haven't included that well-known measurement unit, the width of a human hair (about 10nm, perhaps, or is it 100?), and the well-known standard "London bus" (not bendy).

Obviously, one would be for length and the other for width. Not interchangeably. Oh no. That would be wrong.

Did I miss the blue whale?

Also you need the standard "data size": 1,000,000 books = 1Gb = 1 child benefit database (with or without personal detail).

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@Chris Purcell

The Norris is defined as the MINIMUM force that Chuck is capable of exerting. If we used the MAXIMUM force it would be a completely useless measure, since any subdivision of infinity is still infinite.

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Unhappy

Spead measurements

What about Furlongs per Fortnight? Why have you decided to let these extremely useful Imperial measurements die out?

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Thanks El Reg

Love it. The VOASIAV is priceless

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Alert

Metric volumes

Where's millilitre and litre? Or are they too French to use?

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Go

The problem with Metric and Imperial units...

... is that there aren't any for the ever-increasing number of things we need to measure.

For example, I feel the lack of a standard measurement of bullshit is making political reporting increasingly difficult. Hacks have to rely on writing similes, irony and even, on occasion, sarcasm and downright wit. To improve the lot of the journo, I would therefore like to propose the following:

The Metric unit should be the Eurocrat ("Eu."), where 1 Eu. = 1 "Straight Banana".

For the Imperial unit, I would like to propose our very own bullshitter extraordinaire, The Rt. Hon. Rev. A. Blair ("Bl"), one of which is equivalent to one "OMG! Armageddon in just 45 minutes! Panic!". In keeping with other Imperial units, it's clearly far too unwieldy, so damned near every measurement will be smaller than 1.

This leaves us with the Reg unit, for which I propose 1 Darling ("Dg") as the equivalent of one "Losing the personal records of around 25 million members of the British Public is not considered a major breach of personal data." This is still a nice, large baseline which makes it a good fit for modern levels of public and private sector purveyors of bovine fecal matter, while still being quite a bit less than an Imperial Blair.

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Coat

Can I just check?

I note that I can't sell the code to Iran.

What if it's accidentally distributed on a CD via HMRC's internal post?

Coat chosen to check if the CD's are in there.

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Guy
Coat

2 Bulgarian funbags = 0 Olympic sized swimming pools??

A tweak is needed methinks, although if you tweaked a bulgarian funbag would the volume increase?

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Re: Error

"Chuck could kill Newton a hundred times over."

That's what it is according to the converter 1 Norris = 100 Newtons

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Dan
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The person who wrote 'coffee-table book' needs to be found and reprogrammed.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7109545.stm

"An Inmarsat BGan terminal is the size of a coffee-table book. It may well be that the Alphasat with its new processors will be able to reduce that further."

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Go

Wot! No mention of the light-femtofortnight?

About 14.28 inches from memory

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Patch for units

Couldn't you just have expanded on that patch I wrote for "units" ages ago?

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When does this get added to El Reg's top-level nav bar?

As it's going to be an essential tool, I really think we need an easy way to access it.

I am keen on milliHelens as units of beauty/force.

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Alien

Is this just a diabolical plot

To get me to enable JS?

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Coat

tweaks needed

"the converter has been checked and rechecked by a crack team"

... or was it checked and rechecked by a team on crack?

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Integration with other web site.

Brilliant!!!

Does El Reg provide an API to integrate this new essential tool into other Web site?

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Next step: link to explanations

Before I can email this to all and sundry to ensure they use the new measures, it would be cool to have some links that explain the units of measurements.

All in all, a fine piece of work. Never was a joke milked so well for all it's worth :-).

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Dead Vulture

what of the venerable pint?

It's rather important to me to know precisely how many Bulgarian Airbags of Newcastle I drank last night, but my barkeep will only tell me in pints.

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A Good Start.

A good start to the project, but I'm hoping there is some kind of SOAP interface so that we can convert our internal standard measurement of fph's (fnar's per hour) into Paris Hilton's, so we can then stream the correct length of 'one night in' to our directors PC's.

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Do we need a unit of laziness...

...for those who find the effort of typing a couple of words in the 'Search' box a bit too much?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/10/28/additional_reg_standards/

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Punishment!

... that well-known and oft-used unit, the width of a gnat's dick? And what about the maximum speed of Vulture when heading to the pub?

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Can your code monkies...

... deploy this as a handy WebApp for my iPhone please?

Ta!

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Go

Some More Practical Units

I love this! Units are so much easier when they mean something.

The speed of sheep is funny, but too obscure. The traditional units are:

-- tortoise (0.02 m/s for typical pet) - "the drunken C-lister moved only slightly faster than a pet tortoise"

-- walk (1.5 m/s brisk) - "the lava came towards us about as fast as we could walk away from it"

-- jet (299 m/s A380) - "to get into a low orbit, Branson need to travel 25 times faster than a passenger jet"

You also need some better units of energy as a Norris Linguini composite unit is hard to grasp. The traditional newspaper story units are:

-- match (1kJ) - "the new LA diet contained the daily energy equivalent of two matches"

-- kettle (380 kJ is enough for a good pot of tea) - "recycling Chris Moyles saved the energy of 63 boiled kettles every day!"

-- car (65 GJ) - "that's enough energy to run a car for a year!"

-- hiroshima (63 TJ) - "Krakatoa exploded with the force of 12,000 hiroshima bombs"

Force is a tricky one as we have little direct sensation of small forces a little sensation of large ones. But recent pub conversations have used:

-- door (30N on average)

-- golf (7kN force of driver on ball)

-- jet engine (338kN Roll Royce Trent 900)

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Boffin

Time Gentlemen Please.

Nice work, but where are the units of time? Microfortnight?

Square and cubic furlongs and fathoms might be nice too.

Speed of applying paint : how many square furlongs per fortnight make one sistine?

How many fathoms per millifortnight = 1 titanic?

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Go

Fun with outdated units...

I'm often asked what kind of mileage my 1967 Chrysler New Yorker gets.

My answer: 17.77 Gunter chains per hogshead

You can almost actually HEAR the blinking....followed by a dialtone as the questioner's frontal lobe reboots.

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J
Dead Vulture

Re: Re: Temperature

Well, 30 C is actually 86 F indeed if my quick mental calculations are up-to-date... So no lack of consistency there, at least. Now, how much is one Hilton, I have no clue. Would she please come over so I can measure it sometime?

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Needs a larger volume measurement

In Australia, everything's compared to the volume of water in Sydney Harbour at high tide. The NSW Maritime Authority recently re-guestimated this as about 224,542 Olympic swimming pools. And for a useful measurement of length, you could also add the perimeter of same, measured at about 2292 brontosauruses.

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As any fule kno...

As any fule kno....

With each converter, yu shud provide a link to the definishun of the standard...

Hope this hleps. Hleps (?) sorrie ... dystypia kikin in agin.

Grate stuf, tho

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@GrahamT

...I second Microfortnight for inclusion somewhere. This vital measurement of time -must- be preserved and promoted!

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A LITTLE HELP HERE?

Sheep in a vacuum. Big deal. What about the speed of a swallow carrying a coconut across the ocean? Now go away with your newfangled standards or I shall taunt you again.

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Paris Hilton

What about the standard for width or thickness ???

On this side of the Atlantic Pond, we measure such things in units of RCH --- the Red ... err, umm, Crotch... Hair.

I will accept funding for research into the correct conversion factors.

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Tom
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Area standards

While the units are definitely "english" in nature, some "american" units need to be added:

Area: New Jersey's (the size of the state of New Jersey" (Rhode Island is used at times as well).

Time: Microfortnights are mentioned, thse need to be included (not really a US/UK difference, but necessary as well).

Force: Being from California, we need Arnolds, not Norris's.

Oh, well. Units abound. A handy link to the conversion when mentioned would be helpful. Perhaps to explain each conversion (popup window)

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Lovely just lovely

Great work it doesn't matter if it's accurate that would be inaccurate as it must be compatible with "news" measurements(Olympic swimming pools, London buses, Football pitches).Well done.

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nanosheep in vacuum?

OK so the maximum speed of a sheep in vacuum is 10% of the speed of light in vacuum. While this sounds quite resonable, it is not a practical unit for everyday use (How often did you express velocities in fractions of C recently?).

The nanosheep looks more resonable, as its around the order of ~= 0.3m/s, 1km/h, (but i really hope it doesn't match m/s or km/h with a too simple factor..). The "nano" of course is quite low on the list of ISO multiplicator prefixes, but may that a good thing, as you then could express slower things in pico- and femto- which is definitely cuter than the usual milli- and micro-.

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wim

time measurements

Can we use the "time to form a Belgian government" as a time measurement ?

and maybe we need also an amount of panic measurement ?

something like the "1 suicide bomber plot discovered"

well done so far and I hope that it get extended a lot

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simply

outstanding!

any chance we can have a quality metric?

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Boffin

Brontosaurus?

Isn't Brontosaurus a deprecated designation for what is now officially Apatosaurus? Aww, hell. you're right, who cares.

One of my favourite units is the attoparsec. Very nearly 1 inch. Though it does seem pointless to introduce another unit for the much the same thing.

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Where are the rest of the standard units?

You seemed to have forgotten the standard bribery unit which of course is the Pint of beer.

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Go

F*ckloads anyone?

It's the standard unit of measurement in the live sound industry, often used to measure flight case weights.

1 Metric F*ckload = 50kg

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