During a recent Vulture Central editorial brainstorm it was reluctantly decided that, in the face of mounting reader criticism that El Reg was becoming the IT equivalent of the Sunday Sport, we should forthwith return to our core news values and never more darken the internet with tales of Bulgarian airbags, black cocks, and …
Can I, for one, say that I do enjoy El Reg's forays into the "IT lighter" side of the news.
Also, placing this headline next to the BOFHs 'New Toys' is absolutely inspired.
All at 2001 rates, too. Very generous to keep your prices steady for 6 years...
Manufactured to break
If they manufactured from the right materials they wouldn't break as much as they do. Yet another example of the conspiracy to sell consumer goods with limited timespan. Maybe time for a proper old continent engineering - would help our trade balance with China too...
Maybe they'll give discounts on refurbed models?
I can picture it...
Picture a large bin filled to the top with battered, discolored, broken dildoes... Imagine the charming, earthy smell exuded by this amazing artifact... "So, what do you do for a living?" "Oh, I'm a technician at the dildo recycling center."
Personally, I work on the basis that since we're reading articles on the internet, and presumably Lester gets his inspiration (at least) partially through his computer+high speed Internet, anything El Reg chooses to report automatically has an IT angle, otherwise he couldn't have reported it and we wouldn't be reading it.
So there you have it - a bona fide Get Out Of Jail Free card for any articles Lester (or any other hack) chooses to write, regardless of subject.
I for one would promptly leave the El Reg readership and start reading CNET if these 'lighter' articles disappeared.
Some charity should start collecting used 'toys' and sending them to the Third World, like they do with mobile phones.
They could call themselves "Sex Aid".
They'll probably all appear on eBay
Claiming to have been used by Paris Hilton (replace with name of dim blonde celeb slapper as appropriate).
I admit I was one of the Lester-knockers with the increasing amount of utterly non-IT related articles being published.
However, in one fell swoop you have redeemed yourself and can be considered completely forgiven - excellent Friday fodder!
Besides, no man is complete without a loyal set of knockers....
Refurbed sex toys?
Now there's an idea... I thought they were already available on eBay. Or is that just used knickers?
Lester - once again, we salute you... I don't think we've had your double-ender back yet, though.
Sex Aid? Everyone knows the program to provide the less fortunate with used sex toys should be called "Toys for Twats."
Don't forget .....
...to do what one of my female friends forgot to do when I came round and went "ooh whats this *pickup* eww its all sticky"
WASH THE DAMN THINGS lol :)
"How seriously are you taking the WEEE?""
should be ...
How ? Seriously, are you taking the WEEEEEEEEEEE"
love it .. keep these rolling. El Reg has not only a reputation for sourcing the best in IT news. BUT more importantly keeping the punters sane at work with humorous articles like this.
The Recycled-Rabbit. Hmmm, is that going to be a new buzz word?
We'd need to get trevor bayliss involved to create a wind up one, 30 seconds of rotating to provide 30 mins of fun...
..what do they recycle them into?
A day in the life of Lester
Ah, what a shame. Up until now, Lester's probably had one of the most enviable jobs on the planet!
0800: Arrive at office (that's right, this is serious work!)
0944: Having thoroughly scoured the Mail, News of the World and the Sun for anything containing vibrators, animal-on-animal action or suitably large breasts...nothing! Slow news day...
1132: Caught returning to Page 3 by editor for third time in 10 minutes. Told off. Grudgingly return to work.
1207: News websites are now exhausted, now moving onto Wikipedia and Ebay and their ilk, combing carefully for amusing descriptions, dubious religious artifacts or racy reflections...Results not promising. Still not a single article written.
1310: Worry begins to set in. Fires up ElReg's crack random headline generator and Googles the most promising entry - "Albanian asylum seeker in Norwegian goat sex outrage". Hmm, some potential candidates here... Oh wait, done them all. The search continues...
1445: Damn and blast it, Lucy's already knocked out two articles today! Set brow sweat level to 3. Time for the secret weapon - ElReg's Paris Hilton subdermal RFID tracker. What's the highly talented heiress up to today?...
1600: By the Lord Harry and Saint George, still nothing! Things are getting desperate. How about Segways, there must be a new angle on them...somewhere...
1719: Wait, what's this?! Reuters reports a woman tripped over her Dyson?? Sprained ankle?! Aha, Rise of the Machines!! Saved again! Dash something out, and sprint to be Reg hack to arrive at the local for a flagon of Cripple Cock Finest Ale.
1900: Arrive home. Greeted by wife: "Tough day at the office, dear?"
Keep up the good work :)
A Regular Reg Reader
And for a further discount...
if you send them a photo of the device in use you get a further 50% off?
I can see this generating a buzz within the female hippy community.
...I'll get me coat.
My company has a corporate responsibility department - a cold soup of zealous, pony tailed carrot botherers who make life hell with officious little emails tellings us to only drive our ferraris on weekends (not joking), use Every Click as our browser, etc, etc, etc.
And now you guys give me this. And I know I shouldn't send it to them, or post it on the Intranet, or circulate it to my colleagues 'cos it's going to get me fired. But I have to and I really couldn't care any more because it's Saturday and I am at work and I hate my job...
The title is by itself.
One of the corniest pun based titles I've seen for this month.
Made me smile as I work this weekend.
I'm SO ashamed (yeah, right)
Q: How do you make pickle bread?
A: You start with some dill dough...
What to do with them?
Send to third world? No think of the solar panel placement..
Sell for connection to old mobiles without a vibrate function - got it now..
Sell them to sports / wine bars as coctail stirers..
Replace your old door chime with one so when visitors come..
Use for settling concrete properly..
What a crackin gear lever replacement...! (no good fo the handbrake)..
Place one on car jack handle and look forward to a puncture..
One each end of motorcycle hand grips for cold weather, the harder you accelerate the warmer you get..
Install software and a laser - you got a mouse from a wabbit that buzzes when you click..
Clean them out, sell them to ice cream vendors as lolly moulds..
Add new software and re-sell as Wii controllers..
Golfers - take off the bottom, take out the motor - push on to top of your wood driver handle and shout "fore - play" before you drive..
Rework as police mace containers / sprays..
Gents cigar holder..
Cheap pencil case..
Non slip tennis racket handles..
Non slip Olympic relay baton..
Ski prod handles..
PSP joy stick replacement..
BIC insert - novelty pens..
Replace police tazer with a wazzer..
Would offenders be less inclined to want ASBO's if the tag was a seconhand wabbit..