Getting our own back
Just to be bloody awkward about it, can Britain please start fingerprinting Americans when they come here? Sorry USAians, it's your fault.
America is great, but the immigration sucks.
Not content with giving us miniscule green forms containing dozens of tiny hidden checkboxes, and a tricky quiz asking if you've ever been a member of the Nazi Party (but strangely not Al Qaeda), the US has decided we all need to be fingerprinted with a gazillion dollars worth of fingerprint technology and our eyes scanned with a $10 webcam.
It takes forever, the technology is slightly less reliable than a hamster-powered Austin Allegro and it's not exactly the 'Welcome to America' you need after eating ready-salted polystyrene in a British Airways thrombosis-special veal crate.
So we should welcome Americans the same way - but this time with BRITISH technology. The fingerprint scanner will cost even more than the American one, but it will be finished in walnut trimmed green leather, and the webcam will be stuck on with parcel tape.
After no more than thirty or forty minutes, happy Americans will step out of the dank bowels of Gatwick South to be welcomed by an upside-down Silver Jubilee surplus Union flag, a large banner drawn by local children reading 'WELCOM 2 BRITUN' and a burly minimum-wage guard stretching a latex glove.