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back to article What's al-Qaeda's take on the iPhone?

In a fortnight during which just about everyone on the planet, excluding naturally those in a coma or temporarily indisposed up some tributary of the Amazon, has offered their two bits' worth on the launch of Apple's iPhone, it comes as a bit of a surprise that al-Qaeda has dismally failed to contribute to the brouhaha. We …

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Daily iPhone Bollocks

Haven't we got tired of this yet?

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Anonymous Coward

What the heck is a Web 2.0 leverage advisor?

"Jefferson Alberry II is a Second Life consultant and Web 2.0 leverage advisor". Okay okay, maybe I am too old to be reading stories like this anyway, but the author's job description made me wonder: Does he teach people how to play games and search the web? And he gets paid for this! Damn, did I go wrong somwhere or what?

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Shameless

Including al-Qaeda and iPhone in the one article?

Are these the most searched for words on Google at the moment?

I'm guessing this is a shameless attempt to increase the number of hits on El Reg. They're probably trying to flog themselves to Rupert Murdoch. :)

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Dwarf with learning difficulty

Like the title suggests, this article is neither big nor clever.

'In depth' ? On the front page ? What were you thinking ?

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Nul points

If that was meant to be humour, I'd advise Jefferson Alberry II not to give up his real job.

"Jefferson Alberry II is a Second Life consultant and Web 2.0 leverage advisor."

Oh dear, he doesn't have a real job.

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Anonymous Coward

Tweaking the nipples...

...I hope El Reg is only posting this to annoy those who have vociferously complained about the excess of iPhone coverage on iPhone Central, sorry, The Register, over the past two weeks.

But really, can we have some different news now. Maybe Paris Hilton?

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What was the point of that article?

Shut up about the cocking iPhone. It's just a phone, not a cure for fscking AIDS. Apple's coke snorting PR/Media luvvies will still hate you, no matter how many articles you write about their fecking phone.

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CIA Handlers

But won't Ozzie BL and al-Zawahir both be receiving iPhones as part of their regular monthly care package of special forces training, money, information and equipment from their CIA handlers?

Surely we should be looking to the creators of Al-Qaeda for their take on this revolutionary gadget? Come on Pentagon, let us know, what do your agents working as Columbian drug lords and Islamic terrorists think? Do they want ring back tones? How is the famous 'touch' interface when you only have hooks for hands after an accident in bomb training camp?

How about the US Dept of Fatherland security scrap the 'Voter Fear Level' propoganda and give us the Terrorist I-Tunes top 10 every week? (After all the download bills will be on their corporate account)

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Anonymous Coward

I am waiting the headline....

iPhone ate my hamster!!

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iQaeda?

What kit do Al Qaeda use? It can't be anything Americun for obvious reasons. Maybe some Middle-Eastern version of Linux - (Saudux?) with Opera and OpenOffice? I think this could be very interesting information and would help to track them down (and sell them iphones).

Is it Friday yet?

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You don't get it do you...?

"Shut up about the cocking iPhone. It's just a phone, not a cure for fscking AIDS. Apple's coke snorting PR/Media luvvies will still hate you, no matter how many articles you write about their fecking phone."

hahahahahaha.... you were so busy getting stressed out that you failed to realize that this article was written especially for you?

Yes....*YOU*... the people who click on every article with "iPhone" in the title just so that you can post a comment about how we've had too many articles on the iPhone.

You're just encouraging them y'know... ;O)

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Loafer

I too am curious as to what Jefferson Alberry Two's real world job equates.

"Hmm, you need to get yourself one of those detatchable dongs for your character. And more rotating paedophilic pictures on your dungeon walls. Then you can sell virtual torture to people for 20 Linden's a go."

Good stuff, £200 well earned.

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Anonymous Coward

Children...

....who can say "satire"?

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It's all just so disappointing

I used to think that the people who read this esteemed pulblication were all bright and witty individuals but yet again we see a case for the flashing gif "it's a joke". I weep.

Also, is there any chance you can just not publish the "What's the IT angle" and "I love/hate apple" posts because they're boring the crap out of me. The fact that people can be bother to write these inane comments is just depressing.

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I used to respect El Reg

But I can't respect El Reg no more. This used to be a respectable IT news site but that has lately been reduced to the status of a second rate gossip column. If you're not helping Apple "Insider" (inside a rectum) get hits, you're reporting celebrity news in a desperate attempt to get some of Perez Hilton's traffic, or taking BBC News articles and rewriting them, or coming up with this latest farce about iPhones and al Qaeda. If you're desperate for hits use better keywords like "Avril Lavigne stolen", "Sicko skewed", "fatso Michael Moore", "Jessica Simpson natural not fake", "Tom Cruise real height", or my favorite, "terrorism red alert David Beckham reunites Spice Girls".

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Wonderful article!

Hehe, gave me a chuckle, defiantely what you need after a morning of speaking to 'tarded customers, and an afternoon of submitting their 'tarded sites to search engines to look forward to

Cheers!

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Re: You don't get it do you...?

Thank you Robert! It's been a while since I've seen so many people miss the point so completely... going so far as to think the writer really was a Second Life consultant and Web 2.0 leverage advisor.

Having said that... this article really wasn't all that funny... it had it's moments, but it wasn't anything spectacular, really.

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Title

"robotic armadillos"?! Ohhhh, anyone got a link?

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Do they listen to music

I know the Talliban didn't approve of music so presumably Al-Qaeda aren't too keen on it either. I suspect wherever you heard that Ayman is a Kylie fan was probably falling for his ploy to sound cool. Somebody probably told him, "hey when you do an interview for the West, tell them you listen to Kylie. It'll make you come across more sympathetic.". Anyway, good article, enjoyed it.

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yeah yeah

Yes, alright very clever. But, to be serious for a moment, what's Paris Hilton's take on the iphone?

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Comments are killing El Reg

When will people finally understand that about 85% of articles on this site are to some extent a piss take, or do you really believe in the flying spaghetti monster?

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RE : Comments are killing El Reg

"or do you really believe in the flying spaghetti monster?"

Sure, I was touched by his noodly appendage :-)

Comments, if you don't like 'em. you don't have to read 'em. Or post them, come to that.

Sure the ability to post comments is bringing a shed load of clueless nutters out of the woodwork, but laughing at clueless nutters is a fine old internet tradtition.

Besides, you want to keep your nutters out in the open where you can see them.

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phone sex

Can we have a researched story which phone is best for the sex life?

I quite would like the idea of a function that improves the agility of my member.

Call it iSexPhone.

Talking personally here now, and I think it goes for a lot of men, is that sexual dis-satisfaction in the marital home leads to excessive interest in gadgets.

My wife just lays there. Gods sake I end up playing with my phone half the night

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Anonymous Coward

Very funny!

Nice piss-take, very surprised so many commenters fail to see the humour. If you enjoy amusing cracks at mainstream media cliches, check out Chasers War on Everything on YouTube. I only recently came across it, but apparently it's the top comedy in Australia. Wet-your-pants funny.

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Silver badge

Once again

I find myself laughing at you all.

Silly people.

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Kylie does Deathmetal

I'd pay to see that.

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Err...

I must confess to just clicking on the comment button, rather than reading TFA... Oops, made myself look like a twunt.

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DAJ

This site is in decline

ok, so there is little IT news today, however please don't fill the pages with utter nonsense.

Your business model is advertising unfunded -- you need to keep your readers

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Anonymous Coward

Yeah, what's the point?

As many other users have commented, what's the point of such an article? What's wrong with you people putting up such cheap pointless talk? And please leave Islam out. You're just offending millions of Muslims who don't see neither Taliban nor Al-Qaeda as their representatives. I've been a frequent reader of this site, but not any more, not until you quit posting such crap.

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Crowbar

Even managed to get a 'sony-incendiary-battery' gag in there. Loving your work!

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Oh dear!

People taking life way to seriously!

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@ Richard Johnson

"Yes, alright very clever. But, to be serious for a moment, what's Paris Hilton's take on the iphone?"

Now that's funny.

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Umm...

Y'all are just weird.

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Anonymous Coward

Handy...

...And the enhanced web browsing is just the thing for viewing the Anarchist's cookbook. The rub: Apple's proprietary interface makes setting up cellphone remote detonators a pain, so they may wait till it is fully 'unlocked' I'll bet they wholeheartedly embrace the i(Islam)-phone.

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Anonymous Coward

Obligatory comment (well, in some circles...)

Cradle of Filth is not Death Metal.

Nor is Kylie Minogue, unfortunately. She cannot do growls.

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re: I used to respect El Reg

I'd probably pay money just to read articles based some of your suggestions.. but "Jessica Simpson natural not fake" I think is worthy of proper debate, and maybe several in-depth articles over the next month or twelve..

Thing is though, as far as I can remember (which admittedly is not more than 4 years ago due to various brain frying activities) the Register has always been like this.. which is why I read it as opposed to your average dry and boring Wired/CNet style IT news site.

I'm just disappointed we haven't had an update on the many Government funded, gay animal research projects.. your US and Aussie correspondents are letting the side down I feel.

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El Reg

Cannot satirise itself.

No redemption for you here, no sanctuary from the wages of your iPhonic misdeeds. You're now so deeply in the hot tub of Apple-lusting guiltred that you've run out of ideas.

So.

Take a deep, corporate breath.

And just admit to the world that you like the iPhone because it's a sweet little phone with a pretty face AND a high IQ. I know this admission makes nerds feel dirty, but only because they don't know what it feels like to be really clean.

The next step is asking that girl out you know, so what are you waiting for?

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Anonymous Coward

holy relic of kazoo

Thou shell not make light of the holy relic of kazoo !! It is the greatest invention of this millenium...."The leader" has blessed it with a divine sprinkle of Grande Triple Easy Foam Latte and proclaimed it infallible.

Seriously ... stop stirring up the cult again before they stone you !!

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Are you all blind to this conspiracy!

The pieces are falling in to place in front of your very eyes, well they are if your looking at the main news page, hit the back button, no again you were on the comments page, there it is. Canadian jogger struck by lightning while listening to religious music? It’s started, am I the only dyslexic that sees Steve Bigjobs is an anagram of Ozzie bin Laden. Repent all yee iSinners for the .Net security update of the board is upon you.

OOOOHHH look Friday, is it time for pub yet.

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Dear Reg

Please write an article about the iPhone every day for the next year. Those of us who want to read such articles can derive enjoyment from doing so; those of us who can take them or leave them can do have fun doing exactly that; and those of us who want to complain about the abundance of iPhone articles can also be satisfied. It's a win-win-win situation. Maybe make it 2 years.

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More analysis, please

Personally, I'd like to (try) to read amanfrommars' thoughts on this tripe!

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oh noes!

"And please leave Islam out. You're just offending millions of Muslims who don't see neither Taliban nor Al-Qaeda as their representatives. I've been a frequent reader of this site, but not any more, not until you quit posting such crap."

Ok - first of all... he was taking the p*ss out of Al-Qaeda NOT Islam.

Second - who cares if he was. They should get out more and read some proper books. (I'm going straight to hell for that one)

Thirdly - how would you know whether the reg has stopped running this stuff if you are not reading it anymore?

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RE: yeah yeah

"Yes, alright very clever. But, to be serious for a moment, what's Paris Hilton's take on the iphone?"

I think that will depend on how strong the vibrate function is ;)

Oh and Steve... i think keeping your nutters out in the open is called indecent exposure.

i'll get my coat...

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iphone

How does the iPhone affect pube-curling in an urban environment?

I pitty the chap above (title 'Phone Sex') who says his wife just lays there. I have the same problem. However I don't play with my phone, I switch on the laptop, connect to the internet and have a wank.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Comments are killing El Reg

....or do you really believe in the flying spaghetti monster?

its not true???!?! noooo!

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Comments

The article by itself had me chuckling, but by the time I finished reading the comments, I had to take a breather before writing this, for fear of falling out of my computer chair. Or more accurately, for fear of toppling the chair over with me in it, because it's really hard to fall out of this chair.

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now we know what JJ Abrams'esesses secret new movie is about..

ZOMG IT'S ALIVE! IT'S HUGE! IT'S A FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER !!!!111!1ONEONEONE

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sex tips...

@ Tout Beau: "My wife just lays there. Gods sake I end up playing with my phone half the night". Put your phone on vibrate, stick it up her bum, then call her on the landline. Oh, do remember to turn the voicemail off though, otherwise it's just a waste of time...

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El Reg is the new dictionary.com

"$PERSON is a Second Life consultant and Web 2.0 leverage advisor." A very long-winded way of saying "wanker."

Funny article. Made me smile. Please continue.

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J

To all of you...

...who say you'll stop reading El Reg if they don't stop publishing XYZ things: please do. I for one won't mind not having you here. It would be quite refreshing, actually. :-)

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