DNA samples taken from the whole village for cow rape
"We are treating this matter seriously."
I bet if they had a DNA database, they'd have a CSI crime scene man there, to inspect the cow for samples, and a look at the DNA database to arrest the perp.
Then to justify the excessiveness of it all, they'd be calling it 'cow rape' and talking up the feelings of the cow and suggesting 3 years in prison.
Then the perps defence lawyer will suggest his client claim that he watched a lot of cow p0rn, and that twisted his mind. In effect the perp is the victim of that nasty internet, no it's not that he was drunk and fancied podging a cow to see what it felt like, no sir! He a victim!
Then the politicians would shake their heads, and make it illegal to even talk about podging a cow on the internet. "How can anyone justify the freedom to talk about cow podging? That's not normal. I like normal sheep sex but cows? That's just unnatural!", says Labour MP Martin Salter.