A cunning plan, worthy of Baldrick. Once the Yoofs suspect that mainstream humanity can understand their tortuous dialect, they will soon stop using it. Nothing annoys a teenager more than the knowledge that his/her/its elders can comprehend their chat.

This has to be a joke, right?

I wonder when I can request literature from my council to be printed up in text speak for me, after all they dish it out in welsh.

"We youngsters learn a lot from the old timers. It is very interesting to talk to them - especially when they go on about the war. Hopefully, we will be able to have even better conversations with them now with the help of this guide."

So this 18-year-old yoof is perfectly capable of forming sentences without recourse to juvenile street slang. Sounds like this is yet another 'solution' to a non-existent problem, basically keeping some marketing-drone in work and drumming up a bit of publicity for the chain.

Gather there around, dobby malchicks, and come viddie these horrorshow platties! etc

It's not just the octogenarions who need help - what about the 40-somthings?

So Tesco think that their older staff should condescend to learn yoof speek, eh?

I say we distribute a leaflet among the under-24s explaining why "'sup, Homie?" is not an appropriate greeting for any situation and that "being well mingin', innit" is not grounds for a refund under the Sale of Goods Act.

Whatever happened to having cancer on ones oddy-knocky, followed by goolying out with ones droogs in search of ptitsas, getting pyahnitsa, crasting cutter, and having a jolly good drat?

The molodoy ones today eh?

You clearly have never worked in Tesco. =(

So I wonder how many non-existent words and phrases were suggested by Mr Church's daughters?

And I bet he thinks he's a great dancer at the disco as well!!

How about teaching the "youngsters" to speak properly, like wot I do? ;)

One of the problems with this society is that we are pandering to their lazy self-absorbed culture - "bitesize" learning is about all they can manage. No wonder the upcoming generation are low achieving and scared of failure and that anyone who can afford to sends their offspring to independent schools to get them away from Tony "Education education education" Blairs schools policies.

Hang on.....I've got it...teach people to speak properly or at least the queens english !!! This would mean that anyone could understand anyone else (well except an Aberdonian)

...Tesco should consider buying books for schools to improve the "yoof's" vocabulary.....

...youngsters knew how to address adults.

What a load of rubbish.

We are just making it easier for the yoofs to get away with their slang talk.

If they can't communicate then THEY need to go away and learn how to speak propa like so whatever init.

If a Tesco employee reckons it's a good idea then why hasn't he just said

"Yeah, it's sick, izzit. Seen."

Ok, so I can see what they wanted to do here. It's not gonna work, in my not so humble opinion....

But lets give the PR drone the benefit of the doubt and say that somehow he manages to pull it off. Quite aside from the point that the only language one needs to have ne-er do wells understand are the words "get out" and possibly "I am arresting you for..."...

What about the 'regions' as the English government use to refer to the other 3 nations in the UK...

I really cannot see this London/US Ghetto hybrid that the southern chavs now speak being quite so well received here in bonny Scotland.....

Picture if you will the earnest "yoof" educated Tesco staff member attempting to engage with our young ned friend, lets call him "Basher".....

(apologies in advance for the travesty that is the language...)

Staff: "Yo, my homie, checks this out, ai? We has some phaat deals on da munchies ai?".

Basher: "Wha the fu*k you on aboot, yer wee daftie? Are yoouse aff yer jellies or somein? Ah jus wanna buy a bottle 'o' buckie, alright pal?"

Staff "Oh fa shizzle my nizzle, but the man, the man don't like that, you know? Dey is not lettin the blood grab their hooch, after 10pm. Dat shit ain't a tesco requirement, but comes from the law, yo?"

Basher: "Waat? Waat? You're a fuckin wide-o fud...geemie ma buckie NOOO, ya dobber!"

Staff: "Yo, homie, I'm down, I'm down, know what I mean? No need to bring it down on a nigger, ai?"

Basher: "What d'yer call me? A'm no a fuckin darkie, yer wee shite. I'm gonnie fuckin do you fer tha"

[tinkle as ned smashes a bottle of "bucky"]

Staff: "Whoa man, put that shit down, man, der is no need to be gettin all agro, init.....am I bovvered?

Basher: "Aye, yer fearty noo, ya wee puffy prick...am gonnae chib you noo!"

It's probably best to leave our two friends here, before the subsequent GBH incident.....

Awesome!

That exchange of words was the funniest thing I've read all week XD It's very true to life as well, you should be a writer (if you're not already) ;)

I want to understand the whole crotch-of-the-pants-around-the-knees-with-all-of-pants-on-show thing.

The English language has, lets face it, always changed, and it always will and for this reason there is no such thing as speaking properly, old words die, new ones are created all the time! (http://www.askoxford.com/asktheexperts/faq/aboutwordorigins/quiz for example) Do you think 100 years ago the way you speak you have been considered 'proper', of course not!

Language changes for a number or reasons: regional dialects merging / immigration / exposure to other cultures, getting around limitations of the language, adapting to new mediums (IM / Text speak) and of course identity / community (ghetto or 'leet speak (back in the '90s)), or just because people hear a new word and they like it!

Although it may be true that with the spread of globalisation that this is speeding up / more noticeable.

But it seems to most of the people on this site anyone under the age of 30 who speaks differently is a lazy, self-absorbed, low achieving criminal, then complain about a lack of respect! (Do you post a lot on HYS on the beeb? If not you should take a look, I think you'd like it)

Kinda (slang alert!) reminds me of Family Guy:

"Hey, why do you cops always have to harsh our buzz?"

"He used a teenage colloquialism; Break out the tear gas."

But as noted by other posts the idea of a single guide to lazy-drunk-violent-yoof-speak is fundementally flawed as, guess what, different groups of lazy-drunk-violent-yoofs speak differently!

Although I do love the idea of the daughters making up words - Trying to remember the Blackadder episode where he met the guy who compiled the first dictionary!

First to the above above: ta....

Now to the above (by Matt):

No. Couldn't disagree more.

Language is not some fixed thing, much as this annoys dictionary buyers (and consequently delights dictionary sellers) and, as you say, is always changing.

One hundred years ago, my everyday speech would be difficult to understand and probably considered vulgar in the extreme. Three hundred, and I'd be totally incomprehensible. That's language for you.

But 'Chav speak' (and our friend Basher and his ilk's Ned speak) is not, and will not form the basis of tomorrow's language. Just as the eighties slang of my childhood, and the beginnings of the txt speak of the late nineties that were my adolescence did not form today's.

It's a trend, in large brought about by the popularity of ghetto street culture, the rise of hip-hop and rap; I suppose you could call it the GTA San Andreas effect. And trend is all it is. In a few years, it'll be replaced by the next language trend, probably another internet trend (we are already seeing that filter in, lol).

Such language trends are natural. A few words and phrases may get integrated, as is normal in language, which is by nature jerry-rigged from the get-go (two previous trends language for you there).

But if you think that in fifty years time the EBC's news casts will be as "Yo my homies, this be the lo-down on the street" you are sadly mistaken.

For the record, I'm a twenty-four year old computer-arts student. I meet hip, slightly wanky street-ies every day, mores the pity. And a lot of them ARE lazy, self-absorbed low achieving criminals. It's sad but true that "Basher" is based upon a neighbour of mine whom we recently had the pleasure of witnessing in a 3 am street brawl with a fellow heroin addict (not to mention about 20 of their close friends and family). Sadly the Old Bill came along and felt their collars and dragged them off. Wonder who called the Police at that time of the day. Must've been one of them older, over 30's Guardian readers. Couldn't possibly have been a young student, cramming in some last minute coding.....

They'd be far too 'hip' and 'ballin' for that, wouldn't they?

I note that Tesco’s aren’t using perfect grammar themselves.

Note the "will" instead of "shall".

Stephen.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

they need to provide the supplemental reading of texting as well...

http://www.allinfoabout.com/text_messaging_sms.html

It's just a refined version of "the pimp roll", a phrase coined by Tom Wolfe in his 1987 novel "The Bonfire of the Vanities".